The Mayans Left Me With A Limp And A Lotta Corn!

Well, that’s the last time I listen to the Mayans.

I kept myself very busy on the “supposed” last day of the world…and it was all for naught.  Here’s how I spent my time as the doomsday clocked ticked down:

Dec. 20, 2012

5:00am – Woke up to my personalized alarm: R.E.M’s It’s the End of World As We Know It.

5:15am – Opened the emergency pantry a day early and ate breakfast.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn. 

6:00am – Started my morning radio show…pretending it wasn’t my last. 

8:28am – Sobbed uncontrollably on-air.  Said it was because I had something in my eye.

8:56am – Signed off with a blatant lie that I’d be back tomorrow morning.

9:03am – Gave the station’s "Doubting Thomas" a Mayans R Smart T-Shirt as a “going away present”.

9:31am - Stood on a street corner with my home-made sign, “Honk if you like the end of the world”.  No one honked.

11:45am – Ate lunch.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn.

12:12pm – Manned a lemonade stand to raise money for any underground civilization which will miraculously survive the earth exploding.  $2.10 isn’t much…but at least it’s something.  

3:00pm - Got my hair cut. 

3:36pm – Called my parents to tell them I loved them.  Got the answering machine.

4:25pm – Finished my message.

4:40pm – Received a call from my parents.  They saw I had called…but didn’t listen to the message.  I repeated it.

5:03pm – Pretty sure the phone line went dead.  I’m sure they wouldn’t have hung up on me…just as I was getting to the good part.

5:20pm – Deposited $1.60 (I was 50 cents short at the barber) into my Mayan Prophecy Relief Fund bank account. 

6:05pm – Ate dinner.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn.

6:47pm – Gathered my wife & kids for one final family game of Twister.

6:48pm – Strained my right calf trying to step over my son to the red dot. 

6:52pm – Got scolded by my wife for blaming my son.  I still think he moved.

7:15pm – Debated inwardly between watching PVR’d episodes of The Voice or X-Factor.

8:41pm – Decided on The Voice.

8:43pm – Flipped over to X-Factor.  I had forgotten which one had Britney Spears.

10:00pm – Treated myself to a late night snack.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn.

10:15pm – Ran to the store to get 4 bottles of water and 4 cans of creamed corn to restock the emergency pantry.

10:46pm – Checked over my list of things to do before the end of the world.  Other than having never ridden a Giraffe, I have no regrets.

11:00pm – Got off the phone with the local zoo.  There will be no Giraffe riding for me.

11:05pm – Partied like it was 1999.

11:09pm – Strained my right calf. 

11:59pm – Started my countdown to ‘till the end of the world.

12:00am – Hugged my wife…and waited for the explosion.

12:08am – Limped to bed very disappointed...and wondering what I’m going to do with all that creamed corn.

Have a good one,

Timmy 

My Story...And I'm Sticking To It!

There are some places in this world which are firmly entrenched on the “Must see before you die…or become too old and lose your ability to enjoy life” list.

The top 5 on my list would include…

The Bat Cave, Smurf Village, GI JOE Headquarters, Cybertron and The Crabby Patty.

Unfortunately, as of yet, I’ve never been able to visit any of those legendary locales.  It’s mainly due to finances and partly due to the seemingly un-bridgeable gap between the world of reality and the land of fantasy…but mainly finances. 

The two biggest secrets in life remain:

1)      How do you get the caramel into the caramel bar?

2)      How did Mr. Rogers get to the Neighbourhood of Make-Believe?

Since I have yet to crack the code or come up with enough funds to buy the answer from Cadbury – whom I believe holds the keys to both secrets – I decided do the best with what is available to me.

So, for our vacation, my wife and I chose to visit the closest thing to a fantasy world our real world has to offer.

The City of Lights! (no…not Paris)

The City That Never Sleeps! (no…not New York)

the City of Sin! (no…not Hell, Michigan).

We’re talking the one and only…

Buford, Wyoming!

Then we discovered it had no hotels…so we tried Las Vegas.

In our brief stay I was exposed to so many lights, I was able to see in the dark for days after returning home.  The phrase “Good night” was never uttered…nor was “Good Morning”, for that matter.  As for sin, I had a great time…without sinning.  Surprise.  Surprise.

I really wish I could present a detailed account of our stay in Vegas, but…“What happens in Vegas…Stays in Vegas.”

Seriously. 

We signed a confidentiality contract at the airport upon landing, our true vacation itinerary was disposed of at one of the many VMI (Vegas Memories Incineration) stations and a standard “What I did in Vegas” form was handed to us to personalize.

So, here (according to official documentation) is what I did in Vegas.

That’s my story…and I’m sticking to it.  Viva, Las Vegas.            

Have a good one,

Timmy

Dear Anne Hathaway...I Can Help You!

“I would have played a footstool in this movie.”

                                    - Anne Hathaway

Dear Anne,

I am so sorry your desire to be a footstool in “The Dark Knight Rises” was not fulfilled. 

However, having recently watched and enjoyed the movie, I offer my congratulations on being part of that epic franchise.  And, despite settling on the lesser role of Selina Kyle, you played Catwoman so amazingly well…I don’t even remember who played the footstool! 

Your filmography proves many times over, you are talented enough to play whatever role presents it self. Clearly, if you, Anne Hathaway, dream of playing a footstool…you could be an awesome footstool…in ANY movie!  So, where did it go wrong? 

Since I was not invited to your audition sessions I’m not exactly sure what caused the plan to go south. 

Did you wholeheartedly audition for “Footstool” only to lose out to a more determined actor/actress?  If so…keep your head up.  Those things happen.

Had you forgotten the wise adage to “Keep it simple”?  Overplaying the simple footstool in an attempt to be a multi-purpose storage/coffee table/footstool is a classic mistake.   

Were you simply unprepared mentally?  What was the footstool’s motivation?  Where did the footstool come from?  Was the footstool happy?  Crucial questions for any role.

Whatever the reason, I’m sure you’ve learned a lesson or two for the next time you pursue credit as an inanimate object.  It’s not as easy as it looks.

Anne, I believe in dreams. I believe in you. I’d like to help…and I believe I can!

“But how?” you ask.

Been there.  Done that.

The name is Timmy Boyle.  Yes, that’s right.  THAT Timmy Boyle…or Mr. Inanimate Object, as my Hollywood contemporaries refer to me.

I learned the magic pose in my elementary school playground, perfected it in the halls of my high school, and monetized it in Hollywood.  As an inanimate object, I’ve shared the big screen with the likes of Tom Hanks and have appeared in more iconic movie images than any other actor.

If you really want to be a footstool, Anne…talk to me.  My credits speak for themselves. 
  

Starring Dee Wallace, Peter Coyote, Henry Thomas...
and Timmy Boyle as The Moon

Starring Tom Hanks, Gary Sinise...
and Timmy Boyle as The Bench.

Starring Ralph Macchio, Noriyuki "Pat " Morita...
and Timmy Boyle as The Post

Starring the voice talents of Jodi Benson...
and Timmy Boyle as The Rock

And of course...I'm a fellow Batman alumnus

Starring Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson...
and Timmy Boyle as The Bat Signal

Anne,

Call me!