Monday, March 3, 2014

The Affleck Recant

I'm a big boy, so I'll acknowledge when I've made a mistake.

Anyone who has spent more than five minutes in my presence has heard me passionately preach the following messages:

1. Speedos cause brain damage,
2. Ben Affleck equals "This movie will suck!" and,
3. The moon landing was faker than Milli Vanilli.

Well, I'm here to acknowledge a change of mind on one of those issues...and to offer a heartfelt apology.

Ben, I'm really sorry!

Timmy Boyle Ben Affleck

Now to help you truly understand the magnitude of today's recant, we need to revisit a 2009 post from this very blog.  While discussing Timmy's Top Five Terrors, I publicly cemented my previous position on Affleck with these exact words:


"I really, really wanted to like the movie "Spiderman". I had such incredibly high hopes for "Daredevil". However, each dream was dashed, un-mercilessly, against the rocks of Dunst and Affleck.

They single-handedly sunk two movies - and one entire franchise - for me. I think any film, starring either of these two brilliantly dull "actors", should be found in the Horror section of video stores. They are movie monsters...who have never played the role of a monster.

Ben is Frankenstein. With simple words and awkward actions, his acting will pound you into submission.

Kirsten is an eerie combination of the Sandman & Dracula. First, she puts you to sleep and then she sucks the life out of you.

In fact, if you want to make the ultimate horror flick, cast Ben & Kirsten...together! That, my friends, even if it was a romantic comedy, would be guaranteed to send shivers down your spine. It would be worse than "Home Alone 3" and scarier than "The Shining". SROTCA DAB!"



A literary masterpiece?  Yes.  A little on the harsh side?  Yes, as well.

Before I can continue discussing my repentant spirit regarding Mr. Affleck, I'll need to address the white elephant brought into the room via the previous quote.  "What about Kirsten?", you ask.  Well, my opinion on Ms. Dunst has also softened but I can only emotionally handle one recant at a time.

After much reflection, I'll admit my stabs at Ben seem to be rooted solely in the deep disappointment surrounding his performance in Daredevil.  A casting choice I more recently referred to as a "blind decision".  Get it?  Daredevil.  Blind.  I really need to use this brilliant wit for good.

It's not clear why that particular movie drove such a wedge between Ben & I because, quite frankly, I'm not even a fringe fan of the superhero Daredevil.  I mean, without a doubt, Batman is 100 times greater than Double D yet I didn't write off Clooney after his appearance in the superdud Batman & Robin.  Mind you, Nipple Gate completely overshadowed any chance of critically assessing George's three lines of dialogue in that film.



Sure, Affleck did Gigli.  Pearl Harbor.  Armageddon.  All high ranking flicks on any Worst Film Ever list.  But, here's the kicker:  I've never seen any of them.  In fact, after checking out his credits on IMDB, other than Daredevil...

I hadn't seen ANY movie Ben Affleck was in!

Over the last ten years, I mocked this man's acting prowess (I believe I used the terms "dull", "simple" & "awkward"), based simply on a single first-hand movie experience and a bunch of rotten tomatoes tossed from other people.

I'm quite surprised at this realization and kind of ashamed.

As a performer myself, I certainly wouldn't want anyone to judge me from a single piece of work, especially something I did years ago.  People learn.  People grow.  People change.  However, that being said, I do believe in free speech and the right to share an honest opinion.  I will never watch Daredevil again because I found the entire movie painful to watch & Ben's performance was a big part of that, but...

It was absolutely wrong to hang his entire career and ability off that wonky coat hook...especially in light of a most recent revelation.

You see, when mentioned earlier that I had only seen ONE Af-flick, it was only partly true.  Last year, my decade long Ben-Fast was actually broken the moment I popped The Town into my DVD player.  Lo and behold, to paraphrase Katy Perry, "I watched an Af-flick and I liked it!"  What sorcery was this I thought.  Clearly, the movie was SO good even Ben, as actor AND director, couldn't ruin it.

However, my self-lie, now weakened, took a fatal blow last night, when I found myself captivated, beginning to end, by the Oscar winning picture ARGO.  Starring Ben Affleck.  Directed by Ben Affleck.

This guy is good!

Some people like what I do while others don't.  That's fine and I accept that.
Some people like Ben Affleck while others don't.  That's fine...and I'm sure Ben accepts that.

Does he care what a little known Canadian comedian thinks about him? Probably not.
Will Ben Affleck ever read this recant?  Probably not.  But, sometimes you just need to admit you were wrong.

Ben, I wish to one day have the type of success you've experienced.  You weren't hunting for my good will, but you definitely found it.  Keep up the great work...and please don't screw up Batman.  Thanks.

Sincerely,
Timmy
























Friday, August 23, 2013

Why is Timmy Boyle is on Social Media?

Timmy lifting shirt to reveal his clearly fake abs.

Of all the questions I’m asked which don’t have to do with my abs, the one that seems to surface more than the others is, “Why are you on Social Media?”

Now, depending on where the emphasis is added, that question can lead down many paths.  For example, some inquirers emphasize the words “Social Media” as in “Why am I on Social Media instead of say, drugs?”  Others put the emphasis on “you” as in “Why would you, a man with such great abs, need anything else?”  While still others stress the “Why” as in, “What is your reason for having a Twitter & Facebook account?”

It is the final question I plan on answering today.  Here are:

The Top Ten Reasons I’m on Social Media:

1) If it’s good enough for Grandma, it’s good enough for me.

2) Talking to my kids = 30 minutes.  Lurking on my kids = 5 minutes.  A no brainer.

3) Always only one click away from letting the world see my abs.

4) Without Facebook I’d have no idea how many events I’m not invited to.

5) 25 friends simply doesn’t cut it!

6) How else can the government keep tabs on me for my own safety?

7) I can’t sleep if I don’t know what everyone has had for lunch.

8) No one phones me anymore.

9) Twitter is how I met (it’ll happen) Alyssa Milano (see #3) & Ben Stiller.

10) I’m not.  I have people do it for me.


Have a good one,
Timmy

Monday, August 12, 2013

A Smurfin' Awesome Good Time!

SMURFS 3:  “SMURFIN’ AWESOME”!

I saw a sneak preview for Smurfs 3…and it was “Smurfin’ Awesome”!

Coming Soon Smurfs 3! Starring Timmy Boyle, Alyssa Milano, Brad Pitt, Ben Stiller & Bob Newhart as Papa Smurf

After only two movies the Smurf franchise was turning blue due to lack of oxygen...but with an all new All-Star cast, life has been breathed back in.  Long live the Smurfs!

Not since the Ocean’s trilogy ended in 2007 has there been an ensemble with this much comedic chemistry.  In fact, the repartee between Uber-Cool Smurf (voiced by Brad Pitt) & Insanely Clever Smurf (voiced by Timmy Boyle) is very reminiscent of Danny Ocean & Rusty Ryan of that legendary casino robbing team. 

However, unlike Ocean’s, neither of these men are running this show, because that distinction belongs to Papa “Bob” Smurf (voiced by Bob Newhart).  From the opening scene when “Bob”, in Newhart’s trade mark stutter, rally’s his little troops with “Let’s S-S-S-Smurf…” the audience is already laughing their blue tails off.

Although “Bob” wields the big stick, another Smurf is the glue which holds this group of 3 apple high misfits together.  Playing the classic “sane person surrounded by fools” role is the one who perfected it as Madagascar's Alex the Lion…Mr. Ben Stiller.  Not only does Focker Smurf cause a giggle every time he’s mentioned, but Stiller proves once again he is a straight man with no equals.

And, straight he is.  But, really, who wouldn't be when the spunky blonde bombshell from Brooklyn, Smurfette (voiced by Alyssa Milano) is lounging outside her mushroom every day checking her Twitter feed and perfecting her blue tan.  

Quite frankly, with Boyle, Ben, Bob & Brad…This B movie becomes an A because of Alyssa. 

*SPOILER ALERT*

The story begins with Smurfette getting a call to pose for Maxim.  It had been almost 15 Smurf years since she had been on the cover, so with Papa “Bob” Smurfs blessing she heads to New York.   

But, while picking berries in the forest, Uber-Cool Smurf over hears Evil Sorceror turned Casino owner, Gargamel (played by Andy Garcia) telling his cat Azrael that the Maxim photo shoot is just a ruse to capture Smurfette. 

This news from Uber-Cool spurs Insanely Clever Smurf - who has had a thing for Smurfette since he was a Smurfling – to devise an intricately brilliant plan to break into Gargamel’s Paris-based Casino and steal Smurfette back.

Then the magic happens.  

The action, comedy & dramatic twists that unfold will leave your heart pounding, your eyes watering & your cheeks hurting.  And just when you think the happy singing in Smurf Land is about to resume…the whole plan (despite being intricately brilliant) falls apart.  Uber-Cool Smurf has lost his swagger, Insanely Clever Smurf is baffled, Papa “Bob” Smurf my never walk again & Smurfette is doomed.  Until…Focker Smurf reveals an ace up his sleeve.  

Enter The Penguins.

The frantic pace of the final scene is hilarious, action packed & incredibly satisfying.  When the credits rolled no one wanted to leave the theatre.  Which was a good thing…because if you did, you’d have missed the surprise ending!  

Papa “Bob” Smurf wakes up next to Emily Hartley and discovers the entire experience was a dream.

The audience went nuts! 


Have a good one...and tell your friends.
Timmy

Smurfs 3: Smurfin’ Awesome 
Thumbs Up: 5/5
Rating: R
Running Time: 420 minutes
Release Date: TBD

"Milano looks smurfalicious in blue!" - Maxim Magazine
"Newhart & Stiller will make you smurf 'till it hurts!" - Some guys blog    
 "Timmy & Pitt make a smurfingly brilliant combination!" - George Clooney 

Starring:
Timmy Boyle – Insanely Clever Smurf
Alyssa Milano - Smurfette
Ben Stiller – Focker Smurf
Brad Pitt – Uber-Cool
Bob Newhart – Papa “Bob” Smurf

Other cast in order of appearance:
Hank Azaria - French Smurf, Line Cook Smurf, Hot Dog Vender Smurf, Dog Shampooer Smurf, Barista Smurf, Carnival Ride Operator Smurf, Hay Baler Smurf, Movie Usher Smurf, Black Jack Dealer Smurf, Grocery Store Bagger Smurf, Blogger Smurf, Sewing Machine Mechanic Smurf, Funeral Director Smurf, Tax Collector Smurf, Parking Lot Attendant Smurf, Crossing Guard Smurf, Telemarketer Smurf, Protester Smurf, Data Entry Smurf, Pest Control Smurf, Travel Agent Smurf, Financial Advisor Smurf, Blood Donor Smurf, Random Smurf.  
Andy Garcia - Gargamel
Hugh Jackman - Wolverine
Neil Patrick Harris - Man in suit 
Johnny Depp - Guy wearing white face paint sitting on bus
Tom Hanks - Man on bench eating chocolate
Jennifer Aniston - Girl with friends in coffee shop
Matthew Perry - Guy with friends in coffee shop
Courteney Cox - Girl with friends in coffee shop 
Lisa Kudrow - Girl with friends in coffee shop
Matt LeBlanc - Guy with friends in coffee shop
David Schwimmer - Guy with friends in coffee shop
George Clooney - Cool man with grey hair in the grocery store
Jack Nicholson - Older man wearing sunglasses watching women at the beach
Adam Sandler - as himself
Tom Cruise - Short man jumping on couch
Jim Carrey - Guy talking from his butt
Robert Downey Jr - Actor playing an Australian guy playing a black guy 
Bruce Willis - Bald man in bloody white shirt eating in deli
Nicolas Cage - Man washing his superman cape at the the dry cleaners
Ellen Degeneres - Woman dancing in street
Suzanne Pleshette - Emily Hartley

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