Friday, September 18, 2009

Survivor: A play by play. (*spoiler alert)

*A play by play account of Episode One, Season 19 of Survivor*

7:50pm Do you know where your kids are? I do. Well, not your kids...but I know mine are sitting with me, getting ready to watch Survivor.

7:59pm One minute to go...Oh, please don't let the President of the United States decide he wants to address the people. Not now!

8:00pm Here it comes...I think I'm going to cry.

8:05pm Where were the traditional opening credits? Very disorientating. I always pick who I think will win immediately after those credits roll. Well, here I go anyway. Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of Survivor Samoa will be...

*Spoiler Alert*

I'm about to tell you who is going to outwit, outplay and outlast. From the opening credits, I have successfully picked a finalist in five of the last six seasons and the ultimate winner three times. Yep, that's right. So take it the bank people.


8:10pm Who is this lady with the mullet? Did she say her name was "Shambo"? This self professed "People Magnet" is so...gone! Not a chance, in Samoa, that she gets even half way.

8:15pm I love when decisions are made on first impressions, alone. First, the team has to pick the leader of your group just by looking at everyone. That's great! Russell. Mick. Sorry guys. The appointed leader doesn't tend to last very long. People are a fickle bunch. When things go sour, they'll blame you...even though they put you in power without your consent. Keep your bags close. They want you now, because you look strong and wise, but in a few weeks, they'll boot your strength and wisdom off the island, because that's what weak people do when they feel inferior.

Now, the leader needs to pick a team based on first impressions...Really!? "Shambo" is perceived to be the smartest...Mick obviously believes in the theory that "looks can be deceiving". This team is toast!

8:17pm Our first winning team. Mick comes out looking like a genius and John (the rocket scientist) looks like a wally. Obviously, Survivor isn't rocket science, so chalk up John as one of the early victims.

And for the record...Erik (my pick) has just been identified as having the "heart of a lion". Hello! Take it home, my friend.

8:20pm This Russell guy is funny. He's making alliances with four different women. What a schemer...and a pig.

8:23pm Rocket Man (John) isn't making any friends. If Ralph Kramden, from the Honeymooners, was on the island it would be "Too the moon!" for this buffoon.

*if you don't know the Honeymooners, you've missed out on some classic comedy.

8:26pm So, this Russell guy has lied through his teeth, emptied every one's water bottles and burned their socks in the fire. It's only episode one...and he's done all this to his own team. If that's not the perfect team mate, I don't know what is.

8:29pm I like Russell! I can see why he's already listed on the Survivor website as a "villain". He's a slimy fella. There will be many who will cringe and boo him every time he does something, but not me. TV needs villains. If Superman didn't have Lex Luthor, he goes from being a heroic figure to a weirdo in tights.

Right before commercial break, Russell said, "I don't need the money, I just want to show people how easy it is to win this game." That's great statement, but he won't win (and not just because I picked Erik). He's already made mistakes. He's been too crafty for his own good. His first mistake was being overly chummy, so early. His second mistake was aligning with Betsy, the police officer. "Hey Russell, you should have stayed with the "dumb blonds" (those were his words, not mine). He's such a charmer, eh.

8:32pm What's with Ben's 1980's "Flash Dance" outfit. Those shorts are too short! In fact, am I missing something? A few of the guys are wearing short shorts. Is that really the style now a days? If so...I'm glad to be out of style!

8:34pm First immunity challenge. Hey, the idol looks like the Predator, from the movie...Predator. It's a freaky looking thing.

8:39pm GALU wins and they even have a team chant. "Galu is in the house!" Actually, you`re in the wilderness, but thanks for trying.

8:40pm The guy with the belly and beard-like thing...Mike...he was just standing there like a lump on a log..he is so heading home! No...I take that back. He's done nothing, so that also means that he hasn't stood out. I doubt half his team even knows that he exists, so he'll live to fight another day. Although, I don`t think the man has much fight in him. He's definitely got a lot of potato chips and pizza...but no fight.

8:44pm Whoa! Back from commercial and who is front and center? The beard and belly guy! He wants the team to vote off the weakest link. Ah...that's probably you, Mike. He begs to differ and says it's Ashley...and, surprisingly, people are listening to him! And to think I almost picked Ashley to win.

Oh oh. Poor Russell. The evil little man is already being outed by Marissa, who by his account is "the dumbest player" he's ever seen. He's also calling himself "The Puppet Master". Pride comes before the fall. And I think Betsy and her "women's intuition" is going to be the one to make him fall.

8:48pm TRIBAL COUNCIL! The moment we've all been waiting for. And...I just realized that there are 20 players in the game. It took me 48 minutes to notice it. That's a lot of players. There's gonna have to be some crazy twists, in this season, in order to widdle that down in time.

So, "Who's the weakest link? Marissa or Ashley. Oh, there goes Ben, shooting his mouth off again. That man is a loose cannon and an idiot. Glad I didn't pick him either.

Six votes Marissa. Three votes Ashley. Goodbye Marissa.

8:54pm "The Puppet Master" wanted Marissa to go. Looks like he's got some sway after all. But there are obviously some people who aren't playing the role of the puppet. But who? I think the cop is one? Marissa is the other...unless she voted for herself to go. If she did then I will anoint the Puppet Master as king!

8:57pm Marissa voted for Ashley. Police Officer Betsy voted for Ashley. And...Mick voted for Ashley. I see a power struggle coming down the pipe. Mick and Russell. The All American Boy v. Diablo (as my son has already started calling him).

9:00pm Well, another season has begun. The pieces are in play. It has some interesting characters and some real potential. But, Elisabeth. Sigh.

Have a good one,

1 comment:

  1. Well, I now know what pretty well happened on the first episode. Thanks, Tim, since we couldn't get the tape to work I was at a loss...this Thurs. you'll have another chance to tape the show for me :) PLEASE make sure it works!!!


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