Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Fear Factor - Part 2

Welcome back to Timmy's Top Five Terrors. If you haven't read Part 1, I'd encourage you to take a few moments to find out what was #5 and #4, before continuing. Click here for Part 1.

Now, it is time to find out what things cause me to scream like a little girl.

TIMMY'S TOP FIVE TERRORS


THREE
Kirsten Dunst/Ben Affleck

I really, really wanted to like the movie Spiderman. I had such incredibly high hopes for Daredevil. However, each dream was dashed, un-mercilessly, against the rocks of Dunst and Affleck.

They single-handedly sunk two movies - and one entire franchise - for me. I think any film, starring either of these two brilliantly dull "actors", should be found in the Horror section of video stores. They are movie monsters...who have never played the role of a monster.

Ben is Frankenstein. With simple words and awkward actions, his acting will pound you into submission.

Kirsten is an eerie combination of the Sandman & Dracula. First, she puts you to sleep and then she sucks the life out of you.

In fact, if you want to make the ultimate horror flick. Cast Ben & Kirsten...together! That, my friends, even if it was a romantic comedy, would be guaranteed to send shivers down your spine. It would be worse than Home Alone 3 and scarier than The Shining. SROTCA DAB!

TWO
Speedos

I've mentioned the Speedo in a previous post (See The Name that Makes me Cringe), and it certainly deserves to be on this list. Because..."Speedos kill".

In Nightmare on Elm Street, Freddy Krueger wore a metal glove of knives. Scary? You bet! But, if you really want nightmares, then imagine that thin, disfigured man, with burnt skin, wearing nothing but a Speedo.
Knives or not, THAT is an image you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy.

Yet, sadly, that nightmare is lived out on our beaches each year. You, an innocent person, dressed in modest attire, just want to go for a nice, relaxing walk along the water's edge and then, out of no where...

"My eyes! They're burning!"

And it wasn't because of the glaring sun. No. You had just witnessed the large old man with sagging skin, wearing the Speedo...or, at least, you think it was a Speedo. It's always hard to tell when the wearers belly button hangs lower than their waist line.

Just because you can buy a Speedo...doesn't mean you should wear one.

But, that's what makes Speedos so evil. The (the Speedo) mainly use their diabolical powers to draw in people who shouldn't wear one. You see, the Speedo preys on the obese, the bony thin and the elderly.

Once the Speedo has a person of bone, wrinkle or flab, within purchasing distance, it is on to step two. Quickly, the Speedo sends mind control pulses to render "common sense" paralyzed, and then easily convinces these individuals that wearing as little fabric as possible, will help solve world hunger.

At this point, the cautionary advice from friends and family is powerless. So, under the Speedos hypnotic spell, these people proudly march the public beaches, completely unaware of the fact that they are implanting horrific, debilitating images into the minds of the public.

Once man kind's minds have been deadened, the call will be made to the Speedo mother ship and...world domination will be theirs.

Tell me that's not scary!

And now, it's time for Timmy's #1 Terror

ONE
Women with Hairy Armpits

I just can't go there, folks.

Well, there you go. I'm not so sure if I should have revealed all of this. Now, if I'm ever in a situation where international spies need to get a secret code out of me...they know the key.

Sit me in a washroom stall and send in the clown. If that doesn't work...just slowly ramp up the pressure. Kirsten Dunst, followed by the fat guy in the Speedo. Still nothing? Release the hairy woman!

"I'll Talk! I'll Talk!"

Have a good one,
Timmy

6 comments:

  1. Really? That's your #1 scary thing?
    It's just hair.
    I guess France isn't on one of your places to travel, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's not "just" hair. It's hair where hair shouldn't be...so says my mind that was influenced and shaped by "Baywatch."

    France in the winter maybe.

    ReplyDelete
  3. maybe...but so is the word "lame".

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm growing my pit hair for US Thanksgiving.
    Also, I like the word "lame". It's short. And zingy.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That's fine...just no tank tops.

    I like the word "zingy".

    ReplyDelete

From your mind to my mind:

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