Friday, December 18, 2009

Christmas Break...sort of.

Well, that’s it...sort of.

I’m done...for 2009...sort of.

I am taking a two-week vacation...sort of.

When I started writing this blog on August 13th, I really wasn’t sure what was going to happen. Then I got this brilliant idea to make it a 24-5 blog…and now here we are: four months and 86 posts later.

I’ll be honest with ya. Some days have been easier than others and some posts have been better than others. But, I’ve had a blast the entire time…and hopefully you have too.

However, Inside Timmy’s Mind has also been quite time consuming (which my wife will attest to) so, with Christmas approaching, I feel that it is time to slow her down for a while – the blog, not my wife.

I say “slow down”, because I’m reluctant to say “stopping”.

You see, my plan is not to disappear completely, but simply to show up less during the Christmas holidays. In fact, I don't even know if I could stop cold...partly because of my latest initiative Boyle United, partly because my mind never sleeps, and partly because I enjoy this way too much.

So, please keep checking in! I will appear once in a while, but if there’s nothing new when you visit, take some time to catch up on posts that you may have missed. (*Note: if you "subscribe" or "follow" I think you get notified when new stuff is posted.)

And, if you have a friend or two that might enjoy my writings, please pass this blog along. Now is a great time for a new reader to enjoy the archives, before things speed up again on Mon. January, 4th, 2010.

Finally, Thanks so much to everyone who, whether occasionally or regularly, have taken time to go Inside Timmy’s Mind. It is much appreciated. I really do hope I’ve put many smiles on many faces.

My mind is far from empty so, believe me, there is much more to come!

Until then,
Have a good one...and Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Goodbye Roy!

I know we're all getting caught up in BOYLE UNITED mania, (the new video is posted here), but I really do need to take a moment to address another issue close to my heart.

Merry Christmas Phillies fans!

Next season, Roy Halladay, the ace of the Blue Jay pitching staff, and arguably the best pitcher in all of Major League Baseball, will be tossing complete games in the city of brotherly love.

As a Blue Jay fan, I am deeply saddened.

Halladay is a pitcher. Plain and simple. He is not an entertainer. He is not a media hound. He is not a tabloid star. He is…a ball player. Which is a huge compliment! Because, unlike many of today’s elite athletes, Roy Halladay, was all about the game.

I was quite prepared to produce a lot of statistical evidence to prove how great a pitcher he is, but I have decided against it.

Why? Because I realized that there was simply no need. Every once in a while, an athlete performs at such a high level, for such a long time, that they no longer need stats to speak for them.

Roy Halladay was simply the best…on the team and in the league.

In the 33 years of this organization, there are two pitchers who stand head and shoulders over all the rest.

Dave Stieb and Roy Halladay.

One day, down at Sky Dome (a.k.a Rogers Centre), Halladay’s #32 will take its rightful place, beside Stieb’s #37, on the Level of Excellence.

Now, Dave Stieb is my favourite Blue Jay…ever, so if Halladay had finished his career as a Jay (which I hoped for) and, in doing so, surpassed many of Stieb’s pitching statistics, he never would have passed Stieb in my heart.

That being said, among pitchers, Halladay is still #1 on the All-Time Blue Jay pitching list (even though it’s a 1b).

Roy is a class act…all around. He will be sorely missed.

So, I am sad but not surprised.

The news of his departure was not shocking. Once the trade talks started circling, late last season, then it was only a matter of time.

As that time passed, it became painfully clear that Roy Halladay was not going to don the Blue and White (and sadly, "black") again. No matter what anyone says…he wasn’t coming back.

But, I am sad but not angry.

Halladay has pitched for the Jays in parts of 12 seasons, with his last eight being absolutely dominant. He has done everything asked of him, he has represented the Jays, Toronto and Canada incredibly well, and despite some bad teams and management, he has never once cried foul.

He has earned the right to become a free agent; He has earned the right to play for a winner; He has earned the right to leave to a standing ovation.

Last season, I was fortunate enough to attend two games that Halladay pitched. I treated both as if it would be his last. I took many photos, filmed lots of video footage and…stood to clap, over and over again.

Go win a championship, Roy. I’m sorry we couldn’t make it happen here.

And, no matter how many logos you end up wearing…you will always be a Blue Jay.

One of the All-time greats:

Dave Stieb, George Bell, Tony Fernandez, Tom Henke, Roberto Alomar, Joe Carter, Carlos Delgado and...

Cy Young award winner, Roy Halladay.

Have a good one,

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Boyle United: Timmy's Got Talent

I'm not Superman, folks. Batman...maybe.

Today, because of that reality, I had to make a choice.

Write a 500+ word masterpiece (as usual), or edit a few of my BOYLE UNITED "audition" videos.

I chose the later. But, if it is true that "one picture is worth a thousand words", than these two moving pictures must be worth at least four blogs.

I'm just so excited about this latest initiative. Boyle and Boyle. Susan and Timmy. England and Canada. It's beautiful.

If you don't know about BOYLE UNITED, you can find out more by reading yesterdays blog here:

But basically, I'm offering to help carry some of the load off of, over-night success, Susan Boyle's shoulders.

I'm proposing that I tour Canada...on her behalf. "Susan Boyle - performed by Timmy Boyle".

It's brilliant!

So, I've put together some videos to showcase my singing ability and ease any concerns that she may have about the partnership.

Audition #1: "Living on a Prayer" (see yesterday's blog)
Audition #2: "O Holy Night"
Audition #3: "I've got you Babe"

Enjoy...and pass 'em on.

Keep updated on this new initiative by joining the BOYLE UNITED Facebook Group

And, more videos will be posted on the UP STANDING COMEDY Youtube Channel

Boyle United. Susan Boyle, call me!

Have a good one,

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Boyle United: Timmy (Susan) Boyle

Canada Shocked!

Susan Boyle has cancelled her much-anticipated concert in Toronto on Dec. 21.

Some months ago, after an overwhelming performance on the reality show Britain’s Got Talent, Miss Boyle sky-rocketed to world-wide fame. "Dare to Dream!"

Now, I didn’t see the performance live, mainly because…I don’t live in Britain. But, I was one of the millions who did see the incredibly popular Youtube video. In fact, I saw it over 10,000,000 times – accounting for over 1/3 of her total views.

And, I am not ashamed to say that I cried…every time. Rivers, my friends…rivers!

Anyways, in an instant, Boyle was tossed into the whirlwind that is success. She sang, “I dreamed a dream” and is now living the dream! What an amazing story. With a monstrous fan base driving her first CD off the charts, Susan Boyle Mania is sweeping across the known world, at an astounding rate.

However, overnight success is not easy. I am sure that, as much as she’s enjoying the ride, she’s pretty exhausted. In fact, that is probably why her team has postponed the Canada tour until 2010.

Being a dreamer myself, I am 100% behind Miss Boyle. So...I want to help her.

She obviously isn’t able to be two places at once, and one person simply can’t fulfill the public demand that stands before her.

That’s where I come in! As a proud Boyle, I am willing to tour Canada…on her behalf!

Did you hear that Boyle fans? Perk up! Boyle could STILL come to just may look a little different.

Boyle United: Think of it as a franchise.

Dear Susan,

There is no need to cancel the Toronto show. In fact, there is no need to cancel anything here in Canada.

I can see it now:

Billboards, from sea to shining sea, reading: Susan Boyle (performed by Timmy Boyle)

It’s pure genius. We split the gate, you keep all the profits from merchandise, and I take a huge travel burden off your back.

I’ve put together a few "audition" videos, to help ease any concerns that you may have about teaming up with me.

I promise to learn your entire CD by the time touring starts, but for now all I have is a collection of cover tunes. This first video was filmed in the ideal setting to showcase my ability: Driving my car.

Let me know your thoughts.

Boyles united! I will not let you down.

Helping you live your dream,
Timmy Boyle

P.S. Don’t feel rushed. It is not crucial that we save the Dec. 21st Toronto show, but having the “franchise” in place by the New Year would be a good idea. I’ll start practicing tomorrow.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The 12 Wacky Days of Christmas!


To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind



A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Great Wolf Memories!

Well, I just got home from another great vacation at Great Wolf Lodge. Here is how I spent some of my time:

Don't be afraid. That's just me wearing a wolf hat.

Two minutes to get in. 30 minutes (with help of a staff member) to get out.

I'm a rocker! The only difference between me and Bon Jovi is talent.

Driving, while on a cell phone. I am a rebel...

...and a cowboy.

This is me attacking the stairs to the waterslide.

There's a lot of stairs.

I was there for over an hour. Kids just kept stepping over me.

I actually find those waterslides a little scary.

Okay...alot scary.

Finally, I found something more my speed.

We had dinner in a Gingerbread house. The meal was awesome...

...but not as good as the house.

I finished off a whole wall.

After such a big meal, I took a the lobby.

Back at my room, I discovered the down side of keeping all of my past wrist bands. Which one opens my door?

Well rested, and loaded with sugar, I burned some energy "bed jumping". (Note the lack of headroom because, unfortunately, I didn't).

My wife says I was outcold for at least twenty minutes.

But, later on, I tried again...under a higher ceiling (and in my wife's PJ's).

This is my eye. I love underwater cameras.

And, if anyone asks why the Hot tub had to close down for an wasn't me. Really.

Have a Great Wolf day,

Thursday, December 10, 2009

A Great Wolf Pictorial

Oh, the wonderful world of technology.

I am sitting in a little quiet corner, on the 4th floor of Great Wolf Lodge. We are, once again, back in our families “Happy Place”, and it is a milestone of sorts. This is not only our 10th visit to the Lodge, but we are also celebrating my daughters 16th birthday.

So, as you can imagine it’s been a great day.

From the moment we arrived, I’ve been taking snapshot after snapshot. However, the primary purpose of my camera happiness was not simply to create a nice family album. No, I had a bigger plan in the works. I wanted to document our stay so that I could post those memories as a pictorial blog…for you!

The plan was that, after everything here at the Lodge had shut down, I would take a few moments to upload the pictures, make some witty comments, post the blog and then settle down to rent a movie that the family could watch before bed.

That was the plan.

But, once in my room, I very quickly realized that there was no way to get those awe inspiring pictures from my camera onto my computer. You see, my USB cable is still lying neatly on my bed - at home - waiting to be packed.

So, with my glorious plan in shambles, I figured I had two options. I could keep sobbing uncontrollably or I could turn my frown upside down and make this lemon into lemonade.

After three hours of sobbing, I decided to go with the latter.

I’m actually not going to allow technology (or the failure of) rob me of my joy…again. No!

A pictorial blog this will be! It just won't be exactly how I envisioned it.

Today, you will need to you use your imagination. Remember, "Imagination"? It was what people used before technology.

Anyways, without further delay, with my camera infront of me, let me walk you through:

My day at Great Wolf pictures (in your head)

1) This is me. We just arrived. Yes, it’s raining…and no, all those bags in my hands, on my shoulders and under my arms, are not all mine. In the background, you’ll notice that my family is running across the parking lot…empty handed.

2) This is me and Jade in the arcade. We’re playing the game Guitar Hero. I like how my tongue is hanging out. I’ve done that for years, whenever I’m really concentrating on something. I think we’re playing some song by KISS. So, actually, the hanging tongue is very appropriate.

3) This is me smashing the guitar, after I lost.

4) This is the Arcade manager. He’s pretty ticked.

5) This is our room. They upgraded us to a Loft Suite. That’s my arm in the top corner. Aliyah and Connor are attempting to lower me down headfirst from the loft.

6) This is Heidi applying ice to my forehead. The details are fuzzy. Aliyah says Connor let go first and Connor says Aliyah did. Yes, that’s Jade laughing in the background. Teenagers are so unsympathetic.

7) This is my foot. I must’ve taken that by accident on the way to dinner.

8) This is the cool gingerbread house that we ate in. For a $20 donation, you could reserve it. We thought it would be a unique birthday dinner for Jade.

9) This is me eating a chunk out of the wall. It was real candy, alright.

10) This is the restaurant manager. He’s pretty ticked.

11) This is Connor’s eye...I think.

12) This is Connor’s finger.

13) This is Connor’s nose.

14) This is…

Hey, who let Connor have the camera…and where are all MY pictures?

Well, I’m sorry folks. It appears an unfortunate accident has occurred. Apparently, all of the photos of me in my hot pink Speedo, with the words “Chick Magnet” emblazoned across the back, have been deleted.

Sadly, you will never have the opportunity to imagine what that would look like.

Of course, I suppose I could just take more pictures tomorrow.

Have a great wolf day,

P.S. If you've never seen our Great Wolf Lodge Video (or just want to see it again) check it out here

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Father of a "Sweet 16"

Can you believe that I am now the father of a 16 year old?

Either can I.

Happy Birthday, Jade.

My oldest daughter has just turned 16. That is simply a magical event! Okay, maybe “magical” is the wrong word. “Miraculous” might be more appropriate.

You see, anyone who has had a child, seen a child, known a child or…been a child will know that, with kids…accidents happen. All the time!

It really is amazing anyone gets to adulthood.

Now, I’m sure good parenting plays a role, but I think it’s more a testament to the durability of children. They may be vulnerable, but they’re not exactly fragile.

Any parent who has cringed in horror, while witnessing their toddler run full bore into the corner of a table, only to see them get up, shake their heads back into consciousness, and continue on their playful journey will know what I’m talking about.

If an adult experienced a similar accident – but with, obviously, a much bigger table - they’d be in the hospital with whiplash, a broken nose, and severe head trauma.

Anyways, Jade has survived to see 16...and we’re glad.

Teenagers are an interesting lot. With eight years as a youth pastor and two years with Youth Unlimited (formerly, YFC), I spent my entire 20’s investing in the lives of young people. But, it’s a very different experience when the teen you're building into is YOUR teen.

One thing I’ve discovered about people, in general, is that most never seem happy with their age. Adults always want to be younger - like the 40-year old, who has been perpetually 29 – and teenagers always want to be older.

I noticed this with Jade.

When she was 12…she was 12. But when she turned 13…she was “almost 14”. Then she turned 14, and was “almost 16”.

A few hours into her 15th birthday she announced that she was only three years away from 18. What!?

Now 16, she’s pretty much 42, with three children, married to a lawyer in Miami with a beach house.

I’m like, “Whoa, slow down pumpkin! Let daddy enjoy these maturing years: The anxiety about boys, the stress of hormonal changes, the financial debt caused by trying to buy your love and affection…so, you say he’s a lawyer with a beach house, eh? When, exactly, can we get this deal done?”

Teenagers are an odd bunch. Things happen to teenagers that I just can’t explain…In fact, I don’t think they can either. For instance, last winter, Jade was out with a bunch of her friends. At the end of the day, I picked her up and she said, “Dad, I got this huge splinter in my finger”. When I asked how it happened she said, “We were building a snowman.”

A snowman! How does a person get a splinter from a snow man?! Only a teenager…

Actually, I still don’t know how she did it, because I never followed up on it…I was just happy she was talking to me.

Jade is a good kid. She probably wouldn’t want me calling her a kid, but I call 20-year olds “kid”. It’s sad, but it’s a sign that I’m getting old. This year I turned 29 for the 8th straight year.

Heidi and I are very proud of her.

She is becoming a beautiful young lady, with a solid head on her shoulders and a deep desire to do what is right. Those are certainly reasons to be thankful.

Jade is also growing more responsible. Her increased help around the house, by daily doing dishes and making lunches, is a huge help and much appreciated.

A talented “artist”, Jade is beginning to show a lot of promise in her early photography work, while also developing a very cool and unique drawing style. Just recently, I saw her in a rare dramatic performance. Also, very impressive.

I think her 17th year will be filled with great things. I hope she continues to make wise decisions, grow in faith, hope and love, and develop her artistic skills.

But the thing I love the most, is her deep involvement in the early stages of my comedy career. She has been my travel companion, my photographer, my Facebook expert, my graphic designer, etc. Hopefully, one day soon she’ll manage my merchandise.

I can not fully express how much I love having her around in these capacities. When most parents don’t ever see their teenagers, I consider myself very blessed that I have a 16-year old daughter wanting to help her dad.

Jade. I love you. I’m very thankful for you. I’m very proud of you.

Happy 16th Birthday,

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

My Colourful Night


To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind



A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Bob Newhart. Living Legend.

Bob Newhart A living legend

Last night, I had the tremendous privilege to go and see one the premier, comic geniuses of our time.

To witness Bob Newhart perform live has been a dream of mine for some time. There really is no perfect way to express how thrilled I was to be given that opportunity.

As many of you know, about a month ago, I had invited Ben Stiller to accompany me to this "historic" (at least for me) event. Unfortunately, he was unable to attend...but did send his regrets.

Since Ben declined the invitation, many have speculated about who would end up joining me. Would it be Ryan Seacrest? or maybe Ellen Degeneres?

Well, despite the rumours that circulated, if it wasn't Stiller, then there was really only one other person on my list.

So, last night, I experienced a dream fulfilled...with my dad. For one hour, it was Bob - my hero in comedy, Dad - my hero in life, and me. The three of us had a great time.

The excitement of going
to see Bob Newhart live
had a transforming effect on me.

Newhart is 80 years old. He's been performing comedy, as he mentioned last night, for 50 years. FIFTY YEARS! This man has been perfecting his craft for longer than I've been alive. He is one of the last remaining members of an era of comedy that I respect deeply.

I wore a suit to the show, partly because it was an incredibly special night and partly to reflect my love for the "class" that exudes from Newhart and some of his contemporaries.

For me, there has always been something very compelling about the entertainers of the 50's and 60's. To watch them do their thing, so relaxed, while in suit and tie, has always impressed me.

On the old TV shows, they would casually chat, laugh and even act out sketch comedy routines, all while dressed like they were going to a wedding. I find it amazing. This sketch, with Bob Newhart & Dean Martin, is one of my favourites.

The "Classic" look and feel, of Newhart and the Golden Age of comedy, has influenced me tremendously.

It is reflected in my "brand" name Up Standing Comedy; in my logo; in the red curtain, I often use as a backdrop; and in my stage attire. On stage, I even drink from a glass - not a bottle of water - in a silent homage to Dean Martin, who always had a glass in his hand (which, contrary to popular belief, was often filled with apple juice).

Regarding my attire, when Up Standing Comedy officially launched, I took to the stage dressed in black pants, dress shoes, crisp white shirt and...a fedora. Since then, I have debated - in my mind, whether or not to add the jacket and tie, to complete the look.

But, you can bet, the next time I perform will be in the full suit. Newhart settled that little inner argument last night.

Maybe it was just the excitement of the moment, but when he first appeared on stage, with jacket and tie...argument over. I was sold. Jacket and tie, it is!
Watching the show, was a little bit of a balancing act. Throughout it, I found myself crossing back and forth from spectator to student. Unlike many of the other people in attendance, I was not only enjoying the comedy...but was enjoying the comedian.

It was a thrill to watch Newhart perform. I know he's being doing this a long time, but the man is a true pro. From the moment he was welcomed into the spotlight, with a standing ovation, to the time he walked off stage (after a third standing ovation)...he was simply outstanding.

One of the things I admire about him, is his ability to make a low-key, slow pace performance, feel like it's moving a mile a minute.

With his trademark stammer, leading the way from story to story, there was many moments of crowd silence. Most performers would cringe at such a thought, but Newhart continued unfazed, because as an expert "storyteller", although the crowd was one was ever bored.

Those silences are little sacrifices for the bigger victory. In a recent Toronto Star article, Newhart addressed that "challenge", while recounting his comic idol, the late (and great) Jack Benny.

"Jack was one of the bravest comedians who ever worked because he wasn't afraid of silence. There are some comedians, they panic if they haven't got a laugh in the last 15 seconds...but Jack would take the time to tell the story because he knew it was going to pay off. I guess I'm not afraid of silence either as long as it doesn't go on too long, like half an hour."

So many of the great comedians, of the past were (and in Newhart's case, "are") storytellers. But to be a comedic storyteller, you needed that "bravery"...that fearlessness, in regards to silence.

Although, not low-key, I am a storyteller as well.

In fact, my first "official" comedy routine was based, almost solely, on a single story that I wrote while flying from Toronto to BC. And, even as my "set" has developed, over the last few years, "story-telling" continues to be the base on which it is being built.

So for me, like Newhart and Benny, attaining (and maintaining) that "fearlessness" is crucial... especially when performing in a generation that doesn't embrace silence, and needs to be constantly stimulated.

My dad and I had great seats. Main floor. Centre stage. 16 rows back. Awesome!

I wasn't allowed to take pictures of the show itself, which was a huge disappointment, but I won't soon forget what I saw in Roy Thompson Hall, at 8:00pm, on Friday, December 4th, 2009.
I saw one of the all-time greats. I saw a living legend.

In an age where fame is fleeting and fads are all the rage, the "comedy stylin's" of Bob Newhart are still, 50 years later, hilariously relevant. Bob Newhart has proven to be timeless.

I stood when he came to the stage, I stood when he left the stage and I stood when he left...again.

And, even though I was physically sitting for everything in between...there was a constant standing ovation going on in my heart and mind.

It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and as my dad said, when we were leaving:

"It would have been a real shame, to have not been able to see someone you admire so much."

Yes. Yes, it would have been. Thanks for the tickets, Dad.

Have a good one,

Friday, December 4, 2009

Our Wacky Christmas Tree

Today, I have a tree in my house.

After weeks of pretending like I didn’t hear my kids ask me to get out the Christmas decorations...I finally gave in.

Now, I didn't delay because I'm against Christmas, because I'm not. I LOVE Christmas! I just don’t think it should start so early.

I mean, over exposure to anything can eventually grow tiresome…even a good thing, like Christmas.

Take Christmas carols, for example. I love Christmas carols, but when they are played 24-7 for an entire month, by the time Christmas actually arrives, sometimes I want the bells to stop ringing.

So, each year I try to wait a little longer to unpack the boxes, loaded with ornaments, garland, wreaths and the snoring Santa (a legendary – and very annoying – Christmas fixture in the Boyle home).

My goal is usually to go Christmas-less until, at least, the first weekend of December. But, this year, with the pressure from my family building, and my oldest daughter going away on Saturday, I caved…two days early.

So, reluctantly, I headed down into the basement to dig out the tree and all its fixins’.

And what fixin’s they are!

Here are some of my favourite ornaments, that are presently hanging on the Boyle Christmas tree:
OHHHHHHH! Who lives in a Christmas tree down by the lake? Sponge Bob Square Pants! Yes, indeed, that it Sponge Bob...and he is singing about the birth of Jesus.
Yep. That's a pine cone. A real honest to goodness pine cone...with a red ribbon, at that. We've had it for years. I think it adds some "realism" to our fake tree.

This is a classic. Every parent has one of these on their tree. My daughter made this for us, back when she couldn't cut straight. This year, with where it's positioned, it looks like the angel has come to visit the baby Aliyah.

Speaking of babies. This was one of my first ornaments. If you look at the white ball on the hat, it says '78. I would have gotten that when I was five years old. It's been on my Christmas tree for 32 years!
Are those the three Wise Men? Nope. It's the three Beauty Queens. But Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White do come bearing gifts: a glass slipper, a spinning wheel and a poison apple.

Our Christmas tree is often just another surface to pile things on. Those are scissors. I found at least eight pairs, scattered on various branches.

This one is brutal. It's a tiny song book, forever turned to O Holy Night. Now, I love that song - I sing it out at the top of lungs, with long holds, while driving - but this ornament is so old, I'm pretty sure it was handcrafted by the man who wrote the carol.

Who is this bearded man? Well...which biblical character do you think of when you hear the words "Christmas"? Yep. It's NOAH! Why do I have Noah on my tree? I really don't know.

But, I do know why I have a pink bunny on my tree. That's Ralphie, the kid from A Christmas Story...which is the best Christmas movie, ever!

None of these ornaments are noteworthy, in and of themselves. I just love how there are FIVE ornaments crammed on this single bottom branch. It was so full, they couldn't even hang the string of beads properly.

Our newest ornament. If a blue owl, with bloodshot eyes, doesn't scream "Christmas!", I don't know what does. Just so you's hanging at the back of the tree.

Here's another ornament I've had for years. It's a marionette reindeer...with no head. It's amazing what we hold on to.

Now, this one is very cool. It has the names of each member of our family written on one of the hearts. That's really sweet.


This next ornament is, by far, my favourite of all the things hanging on our entire tree...

Laverne and Shirley! It even sings their theme song!

Every Christmas eve, after singing "Silent Night" and "O Little Town of Bethlehem" our family belts out:

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated. We're gonna do it!..."

Well, there you have it. Our Christmas tree is up...and as wacky as ever.

The Christmas season has officially commenced at the Boyle household.

So, on behalf of my family, Sponge Bob, Laverne, Ralphie, Noah and the pine cone, I say
Have a good one!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Midnight Thrill


To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind



A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

30 days and counting...

It’s December.

That’s crazy.

December 1st has come and gone, with the end of 2009 closing in fast. That’s right. 2010 is right around the corner. The countdown has begun. 30 days left. What to do…what to do.

Here in the early morning of December 2nd, I am trying to decide how to best spend the remaining days of 2009.

Dec. 1 – Write fictional schedule for blog.

Dec. 2 – Post blog…as if I just wrote it this morning.

Dec. 3 – Condense and begin my “New Year’s Resolution” daily exercise program...for 2009. It’s never too late to start.

Dec. 4 – Go to Bob Newhart concert. Hope Ben Stiller changes his mind, last minute.

Dec. 5 – Use Tim Horton’s gift card to pick up their new “Coffee IV Drip”, for my wife.

Dec. 6 – Write my Christmas wish list: 1) A wickedly sharp jaw line, 2) The vocal chords of a bass singer and, 3) Sandwich bags.

Dec. 7 – Drive to Ohio to visit the Christmas Story house. Gotta pick up a leg lamp.

Dec. 8 – Go to Ikea to buy a living room set to match the lamp.

Dec. 9 – Happily go to Great Wolf Lodge…with tears in my eyes!

Dec. 10 – Sadly, leave Great Wolf Lodge…with tears in my eyes!

Dec. 11 – Send Christmas gift to Alyssa Milano. Not sure what it’ll be, but I’m thinking…my heart.

Dec. 12 – Finally decide whether I’m going to attend the Facebook event “Christmas”. There’s almost 900,000 people confirmed, but I’m leaning towards declining. That’s gonna be swine flu heaven.

Dec. 13 – Wear Santa outfit while on Hall Monitor duty. The “nice” people will get a candy cane; the “naughty” ones will kiss the floor.

Dec. 14 – Send urine sample to the lab. Doctor’s orders. What a Scrooge.

Dec. 15 – Send Christmas gift to Kirsten Dunst. The Christmas Spirit made me do it.

Dec. 16 – Hang up Connor’s sign for Santa: “Meree Krismuhs Santuh!” I hope Mr. Claus learned Phonics.

Dec. 17 – Brush Teeth

Dec. 18 – Write Christmas newsletter. This year I’m sending it via Twitter. “Merry Christmas to all my friends and family. The Boyle family has experienced so many fantastic things in 2009; here is some of our favou

Dec. 19 – Go watch my sister in a Christmas play. This year she’s the baby Jesus.

Dec. 20 – Watch Survivor Finale. I hope Elisabeth wins.

Dec. 21 – Go to mall to get picture taken with Santa. Hope Ben Stiller changes his mind, last minute…oh, wait he’s Jewish.

Dec. 22 – Dust off shot gun. Some people cut down their own Christmas tree. I hunt my own Christmas dinner. “Here, turkey, turkey, turkey!”

Dec. 23 – Watch the Christmas classic, Die Hard.

Dec. 24 – Go Christmas shopping.

Dec. 25 – Open my present. Nobody ever reads my list…it’ll probably a Speedo (again).

Dec. 26 – Return my gift.

Dec. 27 – Take down Christmas tree. Decorate for Valentines.

Dec. 28 – Put away baseball equipment. Chance of a surprise pick-up game, any time soon, is well below 40%

Dec. 29 – Submit application to be host of The Oprah Winfrey Show in 2011. Want to get in early, just in case. Dare to dream!

Dec. 30 – Visit a psychic to see how my new year looks. Not gonna make an appointment…surely they know I’m coming.

Dec. 31 – At 8:00pm, turn all the clocks ahead, so they say midnight, wish my family “Happy New Year” and go to bed.

Have a good one,

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Brown: Swedish for change


I am surrounded by it.

I blame my in-laws…and Ikea.

We all experience different phases in life and my wife is no different. But, there is one particular phase that she seems to have cycled through our little world, more often than any other.

I call it the “We desperately need to bring immediate change to the entire colour scheme of our house, or any chance of us living happy and fulfilled lives will be rendered completely impossible” Phase.

Oh, how I dread this phase.

It’s just that I’m a simple guy, who adapts easily. I’d be more than comfortable sitting in a blue chair, on an orange carpet, in a room with lime green walls. In fact, if I needed to, I could stay there, at peace, for years while maintaining a high level of sanity.

My wife, on the other hand…15 minutes. Tops! I’m pretty sure any longer, in a room like that, would bring on a seizure.

Okay, maybe lime green and orange will bring about a seizure in almost anyone, but you get my point. My wife and I are very different in regards to our environmental comfort thresholds.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a big supporter of things like change and colour co-ordination. It’s just that the frequency of this phase with its immediate, all-encompassing, dire nature is causing me to hate…Ikea.

I have nothing against the Swedes. It’s just that, although, my dream vacation would still include a visit to their beautiful country, I have definitely scratched their, convenient and affordable, furniture shop, off my desired destination list.

It is because of Ikea that I find myself sitting in this, brand new, brown living room. They were also responsible for my, previously, red living room…and the blue one, before that.

And the green, beige and flower print ones.

My home is travelling around the colour wheel at a feverish rate. Round and round it goes, where it’ll stop nobody knows. What I do know is that when it does stop…it won’t be for long.

However, I will acknowledge that I can’t blame all of this on Sweden’s number two import (ABBA being number one…obviously).

No, Ikea is just a symptom. The problem really rests in my wife’s deeply rooted need for fresh home d├ęcor, every three months.

That fragile emotional state, which is directly connected to the length of time between wall papering and new seat cushions, falls squarely on the shoulders of her parents.

You see, growing up, my wife slept on a pink bunk bed, in a room with pink curtains, dressers and carpeting…for years. One day, she just snapped!

Tearing a Barbie decal off the wall, she approached her parents and demanded a different colour scheme. When they rebuffed her request, she packed her bags and left.

She was 27.

My in-laws have recently told me that they had hoped my wife would have gotten the hint a lot earlier. Of course, what they didn’t realize was that their little plan would have a long-term impact.

My wife hasn’t had a meaningful relationship with any living room, that has lasted more than six months. I think that’s sad.

When it comes to furniture and home decoration, too much change causes just that. Change! No bills…just a pocket full of change.

However, things are starting to look up. As a result of my in-laws confession, I have since told them that they need to start paying for a portion of our decorating costs. After all, if they had just painted their daughter’s bedroom blue, at some point, she might not have developed her decorating complex.

And…they’ve agreed. Theyll be writing their contribution off as “therapy” expenses.

So, for now…it’s brown. Everywhere! But, the new Ikea catalogue has just arrived and my father-in-law has given me their half in advance.

It’s only a matter of time.

For everything there is a season. A time for war, a time for peace…and a time to change the colour of your seats.

Have a good one,
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