Friday, January 22, 2010

The End of an Era!


Oh my goodness. What a ride!

There were 20 weeks, over the last five months, that I composed a substantial blog post every Monday to Friday. During that time I invested close to 300 hours (8 weeks of full-time work), wrote almost 70,000 words (a good size book) and, as of yesterday, had posted 100 entries.

Although it was quite draining - physically and mentally - I really have enjoyed every moment of it. It’s been a huge challenge to keep the daily pace while maintaining a level of quality that I was satisfied with. Creatively, it may have been the biggest test I’ve ever given myself. Personally, I’m quite proud of how I fared.

I found it interesting that not even I never knew where it was going, from day to day. There were times that I sat staring at a blank screen until midnight, before an idea would begin to formulate. Seeing as most entries took 2-3 hours from conception to completion…it would be fair to say there were some very late nights.

But, it has been an incredible run.

I’ve shared about my family, ranted about my irritations, told tall tales and even touched Hollywood.

My first post of significance was based on something that Ben Stiller had “tweeted”. Who would have known that, 3-months later, Ben Stiller would respond via Twitter to an open letter invitation I posted “Inside Timmy’s Mind”.

The Ben Stiller Saga was simply an awesome experience, as was the fact that two of my entries won first prize in a weekly writing contest, and will be soon published.

I am so thankful for everyone who has visited and read my thoughts. And, although I’ve been very encouraged by the growing readership, it is the personal comments (in and out of the blog) that I have found most satisfying.

Now, having said all that, “Today marks the end of an era”.

Starting next week, “Inside Timmy’s Mind” is no longer 24-5. I am sad, but happy…and hopefully you the reader are as well. I will certainly miss the daily routine, but I’m very excited about what’s ahead. Change is good...and the timing is perfect.

I’m about to embark on journey that, believe me, has the makings of being a pretty wild, entertaining…and possibly life-changing ride. The reality is that I simply won’t be able to keep going the way I was going and still invest the appropriate amount of time into my upcoming adventure.

So, starting next week, “Inside Timmy’s Mind” will become update central for all the latest news on Timmy’s biggest initiative yet. It is…sheer lunacy, and an even bigger challenge.

The whole plan will be revealed in a few days. Check in regularly to keep up to speed, as the postings will be sporadic, OR you can SUBSCRIBE and FOLLOW (right side bar) so you’ll be informed when new posts have been made.

I really hope you’ll continue to follow…and maybe even bring others along for the ride.

As a side note, every Friday will be “Flashback Friday”, where my older posts will run regularly, for those who weren’t around at the beginning…and can’t be bothered to go through the archives on their own.

Anyways, it’s time to go. A new challenge awaits.

Have a good one…and Dare to Dream,

Thursday, January 21, 2010



To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind



A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

What a dumb question!

I’m not going to lie. I find people…well…irritating. There is simply too many of them that seem to say things that seem to be completely void of any logical thought process.

You may have heard the rumour going around, that goes like this:

“A wise man once said, ‘There’s no such thing as a dumb question.’”

Really? No such thing as a dumb question? Let me tell you something. If that rumour is true…then there is such thing as a dumb wise man!

Because, that’s absolutely ridiculous. People ask me dumb questions all the time, and I have no patience for them…at all!

I remember, sitting down for a nice relaxing dinner in a local Toronto restaurant, when my waiter walked up to our table and said, “Good evening sir. Can I get you something?”

“Can I get you something?” What kind of question is that for a waiter to ask? I mean, what did he expect me to say? So, I looked up at him and said, “No thanks. Just show me where the kitchen is and I’ll get it myself.”

He’s my waiter for goodness sake! Of course he can get me something. It’s his job to get me something.

People shouldn’t ask questions like that, but they come from everywhere. Even though my home town of Toronto may be a breeding ground for the Asinine Flu, “Cluelessness” is clearly a nation-wide epidemic.

Some time ago I was in Calgary. I went into a 7-11 to buy some Tylenol – which is my custom on days that I’ve run into people.

And, on this particular day, the people I had come across had absolutely drained me. I was not only feeling horrible, but I was looking horrible. My eyes were all red, my face was pale, my lips were dry and cracked and my hair was all dishevelled.

But when I stumbled up to the counter, the cashier looked at me and smiled. Flashing his big ol' toothless grin, he then hollered out, into my already ringing ears, “Hey there! How y’all doing today?!”

Now, first of all, I need to address the “y’all”. Y’all? Folks…I was alone. Who’s the “all”?

Secondly, was this guy not paying attention? I mean really, I’m buying Tylenol and I look sicker than that guy Edward from the Twilight movies.

It was clearly a decision-making moment on my part. I could do what comes incredibly natural and confront this man’s inner twit. Or, being a Christian, I could do what Jesus would do. But, since I couldn’t think of a clear passage of Scripture that talked about Jesus buying Tylenol in Calgary…I don’t know what He would do.

So, with a clear conscience, I looked the man in the eyes and said, “I…we…are all doing marvellous! In fact, I don’t even need the’s an impulse buy. After all, is there anything more exhilarating than feeling like you’re being poked in the eye over and over and over again? Is there? Have you ever experienced such joy?!”

And he hadn’t.

So...not wanting to rejoice alone.

I poked him in the eye.

Y'know. Dealing with people would be so much easier if it didn’t involve people.

That is all.

Have a good one,

Monday, January 18, 2010

King and Kermit!

Today, in the United States, it is Martin Luthur King, Jr. Day.

Here, in Canada, it’s just…Monday.

Now, that just doesn’t seem right, but we’ll leave that discussion for another day.

Alright…it’s a discussion for today.

However, if you’re looking for some really deep, profound, reflective insight into human rights and equality well…then you’ve entered the wrong mind.

But, if you’re looking for someone to find a connection between Martin Luthur King Jr. and Kermit the Frog…BINGO!

On August 28, 1963 Mr. King stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and addressed a crowd of over 200,000 people with his, now famous, speech “I have a dream”.

Six years later, during the first season of Sesame Street, Kermit the Frog sat on a tree stump and addressed close to 7-million children with his, equally famous, song “Bein' Green”.

King and Kermit.

Two very different individuals.

Two very different audiences.

Two very different presentations.

ONE very similar message:

We’re all different, but we’re all special!

So, let's have unity in spite of diversity.

My Canadian brothers and sisters,
Today is no longer “just” Monday. I now proclaim, in Canada, January the 18th to be "Kermit the Frog Day"!

Have a good one,

Today’s blog was brought to you by the letter K and the number 1.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Am I too competitive? NO!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am mentally exhausted. I am emotionally drained. I can not go on like this much longer. I am done fooling around. It is time to get some answers.

My competitive spirit is itching for the announcement of an “undisputed” champion and it will not rest until an arm is raised in victory! I simply must know…

Is Alyssa Milano wittier than I?

One would think that my little poll would have settled it, but it didn’t. Thanks very much to all who have voted, but the “battle of wits” still feels very…unfinished.

So, after a week of sleepless nights, I have begun taking steps to find rest for my soul.

Here is the letter that I have just sent to Esquire magazine:

Dear Esquire Magazine,

I recently came across an archived article, in your magazine, written by actress Alyssa Milano. Being pleasantly surprised by her wit, I felt compelled to write a complimentary piece.

It was quite obvious that Alyssa was good, but now I needed to know if she was "Timmy" good. So, it quickly became a little thing I like to call The Literary Duel, which I put to a public vote.

As of today, I am presently leading in the polls. But, seeing as it is my personal blog and the sample size is so small, I will admit that it has not been as satisfying as I had hoped.

It is clearly not a definitive victory, and in the arena of writing, I simply must know “Who’s the boss?”

Therefore, I would like to propose a re-match…in a different venue and with a bigger crowd. Would you consider hosting such a challenge?
“Canadian, ‘stay at home’ dad, Timmy Boyle vs. Hollywood actress, writer Alyssa Milano. The pen is mightier than the sword. May the best wit win!”

You pick the topic, Milano and I duel it out and I, regardless of the outcome, finally find absolute closure.

If I win, Alyssa gets me an autographed photo of Tony Danza; if she wins, I send her an autographed photo of me…or something like that (we can work out the details later).

Please seriously consider this request,
Looking forward to hearing from you,

If I don’t hear from Esquire, then I go elsewhere…Stay tuned.

*To read the Literary Duel click here

Have a good one,

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Wait for the Beep.


Sorry. I know you probably fall for that every time, but I’m not here right now.

You have reached Timmy’s Mind, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I have had to momentarily step away from the computer. Your visit is very important to me, so please leave your name, time and a brief comment after the word "beep", and I will respond to your message as soon as I possibly can.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Way to go, Conan!

Way to go Conan!

I’m sure it will not be a surprise to anyone, when I say I am a fan of late-night talk shows. With my night-owl disposition, passion for comedy, genuine interest in people and love of television, it is quite obvious I have been wired for such.

From the moment I was allowed to stay up to watch Carson, I have embraced the late night world. Despite a few valiant, but failed, efforts to change the landscape, my entire adult life has really consisted of the Big Three: Leno, O’Brien and Letterman.

For the record, I’m a Letterman fan. I have never found Leno that funny and was shocked when he secured the coveted, Tonight Show gig, over one of my comedy heroes. As for Conan…I had never really formed an opinion. I knew he was doing things a little different, much like Letterman in his earlier days, but I simply never got around to watching.

However, when I watched his hosting of the Emmys, I kind of wished I had followed him a little more closely. He had this brilliant running gag about killing Bob Newhart if the notoriously late running awards show went over-time. Now, although Newhart made the bit work because of his amazing dead-pan reactions, it was clearly a brain-child of O’Brien. The concept was so…not normal. And, I loved it.

Anyways, the late-night world has been shaken lately. Here’s the Cole’s Notes: Early this year, Leno retired from The Tonight Show, O’Brien moved in and Jimmy Fallon, the new kid on the block (not a “Hanging Tough” new kid), slipped into Conan’s old chair.

It was a text book changing of the guard, except, unlike Carson, Leno didn’t retire from television. He went on to do another show…in an earlier time slot.

Now, there was time, not to long ago, that transition periods such as this were met with great patience. A network would spend months, even years, grooming the heir to the throne, who once in place would then be allowed adequate time to make the kingdom their own.

But in today’s instant gratification culture, apparently that luxury can no longer be afforded. In only a few months, with Leno’s ratings (which equals money) not doing well, the suits who need to fund their million dollar homes began to panic and decided to put Leno back in his old time slot. This, of course, has started a ripple effect within the late-night ocean. And Conan is none to pleased…mainly because that ripple is about to become a Tsunami.

It's a Tsunami that is threatening to rip apart one of the few remaining entertainment “institutions”. Here is an excerpt from O’Brien’s official statement:

"...I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show...I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.”

This is where I jump on the O’Brien bandwagon. He may be a maverick who is always looking to try something new and fresh but he also has a tremendous respect for the history on which his show rests and the entertainers who have gone before him. It is a unique blend of embracing the future & the past, and one that I admire greatly.

I find it interesting that the world cries out for new ideas, fresh concepts and change, only to lack the patience necessary to see those ideas and concepts find their legs.

In today’s world, you’d never know about classic shows like Cheers or Mary Tyler Moore…they probably would have been cancelled after season one.

I find this tremendously sad and it is the very reason why my grandchildren will probably never have an “institution” to protect. So, stick it to them, Conan. You’ll have no problem finding another show, but hopefully…you won’t have to.

The official slogan of the new decade: “Succeed! You have 24-hours.”

So sad.

Have a good one,

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

What a pain!


When I read those letters my heart overflows with gratitude, because they immediately make me think of …phonics, and without phonics I would be a spelling disaster.

For those who didn’t have the privilege of being taught Phonics, “ow” makes the sound “ow”, like you would find in words such as, cowch, sowr and bowt.

I know it seems simple, but it took me a while to pick it up. However, now that I’ve finally ingrained the system into my mind…I am a spelling masheen!

After some more reflection, I began to notice that “ow” is also very similar to the word “ou”, which is often used to express payne. Examples being, “Ou, that hert!” or “Ou, that fork is stuck in my hed”.

In Phonics, they both sound the same, even though they have different spellings. It’s kind of funny in its own crazy way. So crazy in fact, my spell check can’t seem to tell them apart.

So since these little red lines, that keep appearing all over my page, are driving me nuts, I will now spell “ou” (the sound of payne) “O-W”. Yes, I understand that proper spelling is important, but so is one’s personal sanitee.

Anyways, enough about Phonics. Let’s talk pain.

Everyone has experienced The “Ow”. It is no respecter of persons. Whether you are rich, poor, strong, weak, smart, dumb, famous or not, you are guaranteed to have an “Ow” moment, or two…or three…thousand!

It is simply an unavoidable aspect of human life. The “Ow” happens!

Now, although there are many levels of The “Ow” (ranging from “ow” to “ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…ow!”), I have decided not to focus my attention on hangnails and spilled milk, but rather on The “Ow” of “Ows” in three areas of an individual’s life: The Physical, Mental and Emotional.

By way of word picture, I hope you will feel these ultimate “Ow” moments.


What a rush! Here I am free falling 10,000 feet above the earth. How crazy is that! It’s so exciting my adrenaline is pumping faster than Santa’s reindeer on Christmas. I’m free as a bird! I’m actually flying! Oh how I wish this could on forever, but it’s time to pull the chute. Hmmm. What did they say again? Was it the red cord or the blue cord? Red is for emergency, so it must be blue. Yes, it was the blue cord…or was it red? Righty tighty, Lefty loosey. No, it was definitely blue. Got it! Pull the…



When the molecules of the indefinite article begin to bond with gaseous transforming mites, the spectrum of inexistence is sheered, leaving nothing but an electrical shock equal to that of a stratus meteor fully charged by the ions of cumulus clouds after a nuclear dip in the iodonic esoteric module of precipitation and solar imminence.

To counteract such a fusion of pure energetic flatulence, it is of crucial and indelible importance that the expanse of space that holds the conspicuous viral excerpts be in direct proportion, both in mass and volume, to the sum total off the superlative cortex of the indirect fascination of time…



Dear Jim,
I have spent many weeks wondering if I should write this letter. As you know I have experienced many deep hurts in the past, as a result of my openness. But, with you, I once again feel safe. I don’t know if I will ever meet anyone like you again. You have been my strength, my encouragement…my knight in shining armour! Thank you for being there for me during some of my darkest days. Jim…I love you! More than you’ll ever know! I really want to take our relationship to the next level.
Always and forever,

Dear Susie.
Who are you?


Well there you have it. What exactly? I'm not sure. But like my mother always used to say, "If you have nothing encouraging to say, write a blog about the word Ow."

Have a good one,

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Baby Whisperer


To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind



A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Timmy vs. Alyssa: A Literary Duel

IT'S THE WEEKEND. New posts resume on Monday.
Please take some time to check out the archives,
but don't forget to cast your vote...

I have initiated a literary duel with
actress Alyssa Milano!

The polls are now open. You will decide the winner!

1) Please take a moment to READ the dueling post:
"20 Things You Don't Know, by Boyle & Milano" (click on title)

2) Decide who showed the greater wit.

3) Cast your VOTE in the top-right corner of this site.
4) PASS the link on to all your friends (the more votes the better).
This is only the beginning!
Regardless of who wins, I plan on officially challenging Milano to a re-match!
She's good, but is she Timmy good? Stay tuned!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Lost in Translation

Parlez-vous bonjour chien?

That, my friends, is the sum total of over six or seven years of French class. I also know the words "banque", "pamplemousse" and "poutine"…but I can’t put them in a sentence.

Now, I really do wish I could speak French fluently, but I just never could get a really solid grasp on the language. There were simply too many things that kept me from soaking in the language of love.

First of all, I found French too amusing. In fact, the only reason I even remember the words “banque” and “pamplemousse” is because I used to crack myself up saying them. Pamplemousse…that’s funny. I don’t even know what it means.

Second, I found French teachers amusing. They always spoke with an accent. It made me giggle. But, the cream of the crop was my grade nine French teacher. I don’t remember if he had an accent, but I do remember that he was a guitar playing hippy. That year I learned more about bad folk music than I did conjugating verbs.

I think I saw him playing for money in the subway a few years later.

And third, I found French to be well…useless. I’m just being honest.

You see, in my young mind, the language served only two purposes…communicating in France (or Quebec), and wooing the ladies.

Well, back then, I figured that I wasn’t leaving Toronto anytime soon and this scrawny awkward little boy was going to need a lot more than French to woo anyone…so, why bother?

I was not alone in this assessment. A friend of mine actually failed, on purpose…by principle, French class because he used to say to me “This is so stupid, when am I ever going to use French?” At the time, I thought he was logical dude.

However, I saw him recently. He’s now a Trekki that has taught himself to speak Klingon. Klingon? Really? Somehow I don’t think he uses the same template to make his decisions, anymore.

Now, I don’t know if he regrets his past attitude towards French, but I will admit that I do...for two reasons:

1) I ended up leaving Toronto: Some time ago, I had to drive through Quebec on the way home from the Maritimes. Believe me, when I stopped for gas at 2:00am in that small town outside of Quebec City…“Pamplemousse”, almost got me beat up!

2) I grew up: After High School, I became much more comfortable with myself and the opposite sex, and boy did I wish I knew something more than “Parlez-vous bonjour chien?”…it almost got me beat up!

So, if you were to ask me now, I’d say that mastering a second language would be well worth attempting. Of course, learning English is hard enough (see FOH-NIKS) so you really need to have a deep passion in order to pull it off.

In regards to passion, I’m not there yet, but I have begun to dabble in multiple languages. For instance, I know that on the Dutch Sesame Street, Pino is “blauw”,
and that "Ikea" is Swedish for "Common Sense".

So, technically, I am now multi-lingual.

I’ve come along way.


Thursday, January 7, 2010

Sheer Lunacy!

Sheer lunacy!

That’s how my wife refers to the ideas and initiatives that flow freely from my head. I disagree with her assessment.

If the overflow of my mind is lunacy then that makes me a lunatic. If I am a lunatic then I would be a person who is mentally ill, dangerous, foolish and unpredictable.

By that definition, I am only ¼ loony (you can decide the fourth that applies). In Canada, that means I’m equal to 25 cents or 75 cents short of being a full Lunatic.

Sheer lunacy! I love writing it.

Sheer lunacy! I love saying it.

In fact, ever since Heidi first uttered those words, in response to something I was planning to do, I have embraced them wholeheartedly.

I know she doesn’t really think I’m a lunatic (at least, I think she doesn’t think I’m a lunatic), but rather she feels that some of the children my brain gives birth to are a little on the odd side. That is just fine with me.

The other day I had a conversation with someone about WIIFM. Although I’m sure most of you know what those letters stand for…for those who don’t, it means, “Watermelon Ireland Indigestion Frog Missiles”.

Now, if my wife was reading over my shoulder, this is where she would scream “Sheer lunacy!” Why? Well, it’s because WIIFM obviously doesn’t mean “Watermelon Ireland Indigestion Frog Missiles”.

And that’s my point.

My other point is that always following the conventional “norms” of life, just because it’s the norm, might actually be a better definition of “sheer lunacy”.

But, let’s get back to our Acronym of the day. WIIFM actually means “What’s in it for me?”, and it is a classic question in the world of Marketing. The understanding is that unless a product (any product) has value for an individual, they will not invest anything into it.

So, all this got me thinking...which according to my wife could be a dangerous thing. Why would anyone want to spend time “Inside Timmy’s Mind”? What could possibly be in it for them? The answer, my friends, may be...sheer lunacy.

I believe “Inside Timmy’s Mind” is an escape. It’s an opportunity for the reader to step out of the normality of life and experience sheer lunacy…without being the lunatic. You’re welcome.

Some time ago, I was asked what my blog was about. I said, “Um?” Then we sat silently…

You see, it’s not a blog about family, sports or celebrity, although I have touched on all those topics, at one time or another. It’s not a daily diary, a personal rant or even a place of reflection, even though it may feel like those, at times. It doesn’t have a theme or a specific target group.

In fact, most days I don’t even know what I’m going to write until I sit down and start typing. It really is just what comes out of my mind.

Despite the fact that I’m breaching this particular subject today, I don’t usually ask deep questions like WIIFM (M being potential readers), I just write. I write about the things that interest me, confuse me, irritate me and encourage me, and wrap it all up in humour...not out of design, but because it’s who I am.

There are many nights that I’ll read my latest post to Heidi, and she’ll sit there stone faced while I chuckle endlessly at my own jokes. My wife and I have very…very different senses of humour. Even though I know she usually won’t laugh, I read them to her because, as my wife, I want her to share in the process with me. But, I don’t write for her…or anyone else for that matter. I write for me. If I laugh, I post it.

So, why exactly do people come “Inside Timmy’s Mind?”…I don’t really know. But, I’m glad they do and I hope many more follow them. I must be providing something and I hope its laughter, because I cannot explain the immense satisfaction I feel when I make someone else laugh.

Well that’s it for now.

If you’ve read this and are now asking, “What the heck was that?” My response to you is, “Sheer Lunacy! Welcome to Timmy’s Mind. Hope to see you tomorrow.”

Have a good one,

P.S. if you feel so inclined, please leave a comment telling my why you enjoy Timmy's Mind. I'd love to know.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

"20 things you don't know", by Boyle & Milano

Today, I came across an Esquire article written by the lovely and talented Alyssa Milano. Who, by the way, ranks VERY high on Timmy’s All-Time Celebrity Crushes list (to see the list click here).

Now, I have no desire to compete with such a stunning piece of work (which applies to both the article and the author), but as soon as I had finished reading it, I just knew I needed to write a complimentary piece…of sorts.

DISCLAIMER: Alyssa’s views and opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Timmy Boyle! However, Timmy’s views and opinions do.

So, without further ado, here is, "Ten things you don’t know about women" by Alyssa Milano (in BLACK) and, “Ten things you don’t know about me” by Timmy (in RED):

Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.

I used to be extremely self-conscious, but now I am very comfortable with the way I look. Some years ago, I attended a conference called “True Beauty”, where they spoke of beauty being an inward, not an outward, quality. After that conference I was no longer unsatisfied with my physical appearance…mainly because I straightened my teeth, changed my hair cut, put on some muscle, bought a new wardrobe, and cleared up the acne.
Women produce half the world's food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we're fine with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.

I produce 0% of the world’s food, but I also own 0% of the farmland. I’m just doing my part.

Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn.

I love corn! I can’t stand when people hide corn.
Women remember everything. Don't believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won't tell you it was at a party. She'll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy's pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the "what's up" nod. This still infuriates her. ("How could you give me the nod?")

I think my memory is directly connected to my heart, because I can vividly recall each detail of every emotionally charged moment in my life. Now, where are my car keys?
An eyelash curler, while mean and ferocious looking, is not a weapon.

I was once stabbed with an eyelash curler…three times. I was hospitalized for a week and still have panic attacks when I pass my wife’s make-up table. A curler may not be a weapon…but it’s certainly not a toy, either!
No matter how much your woman loves you, there are going to be three to seven days each month when she wants you dead. (She may even quietly fantasize about turning her eyelash curler against you.) You have two options: Tie yourself to a tree and wait out the storm, or stock up at Tiffany's, toss a blue box or two into the wind, and hope for the best. We recommend the latter. (The key chain doesn't count.)

I know my wife loves me, but for 23-27 days of every month, she wants me dead. Has the curler but can’t pull the trigger…again. What a sweet heart. She seems quite content to have me tied to the tree for the other three to seven days.
We think it's weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.

I find it weird when I watch sports and concentrate to help my team…but you can’t argue with a 67% success rate. Although, I have noticed that my mind powers tend to be less effective when my team sucks.
"Hey, Melissa, who's the boss?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Phoebe, where'd you park your broomstick?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Alyssa, you look 250 pounds lighter than Brian Dennehy in that dress." Surprisingly good pickup line.

“Hey Timmy, you look like Alyssa Milano in that dress.” Friends for life.
Women hear better than men. That's before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one first because I'm sure I've lost you by now.

I have a short attention span and believe I’m better off for it. Having the attention span of a statue is dangerous. If you don’t keep moving, the birds poop on ya.
You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You're welcome.

You may be surprised to know that I am responsible for all of the following:

Have a good one,

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Go Big or Go Home!

With the New Year comes much hope, hope is where dreams lie, and dreams are where chickens can play the accordion.

At the beginning of every year, I take a few days to reflect on my place in life, my skills, my passions and the open doors that stand before me. When my deep meditation has run its course, I take all that I’ve come to realize to be true about myself, and the circumstances that surround me, and convert it into numbers, which I plug into an Excel spreadsheet.

Assuming I’ve created the proper equations, those numbers will be crunched into a singular 4-digit number that will become the foundation on which I build my goals for the coming year. It is a perfect blend of the mystical and the practical.

Now, when I set goals I like to strive for things that are in reach. In most cases, when setting goals, too many people set themselves up for failure. I’m not about failure. I’m about success.

So, I don’t have a lot of time for “pie in the sky” goals like eating less, exercising more or spending more time with my children. I want measurable, achievable goals.

Here are a few of the modest goals I am looking forward to pursuing in 2010.

1) Tour Canada on Susan Boyle’s Behalf

This brainchild was birthed at the end of last year (read more here), but the campaign to team up with Susan Boyle will be kicking into full gear in 2010. Dreamin’ the dream, baby! Boyle United! Bring it on!

2) Produce the #1 Blockbuster Movie of All-Time

Last weekend I went to see the highly hyped Avatar. It was long, but impressive…and that was just the line-up to get in. Having already made over $1 billion, it is now the 4th biggest movie all-time. Only Titanic, Lord of the Rings & Pirates of the Caribbean have made more moolah.

After looking at that list, I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on what makes a successful movie. So this year I plan on spending much time developing a project that, come 2011, will bump everyone down a spot. It will be the spectacle of all spectacles. It will make pirates walk the plank, turn the holder of the rings into a mere pauper, sink the Titanic and make those creepy blue Avatar giants look like Smurfs…midget Smurfs!

I can’t tell you my plan, lest the ears of Hollywood are listening, but guaranteed it will have the one thing all those movies have in common. It will be painfully long!

3) Be Elected Mayor of Toronto

Today, I found out that the race for Mayor of Toronto officially begins. Although this was a shock (I didn’t know that Mel Lastman had finished his term), I will admit the scenario has left me quite intrigued.

I’m not sure about all the details, because the article was fairly lengthy and it had no pictures so I kind of just skimmed it, but I figure the process is very much like applying for Survivor. I’ll start working on my 3-min audition video soon. Then it’s only a matter of figuring out whether to be called, “Your Highness” or “King Timmy”.

My wife calls it is all sheer lunacy...but she often confuses the word "lunacy" for "brilliance".

2010. The world will never be the same again.

Have a good one,

Monday, January 4, 2010

Y2K: A family survives


To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind



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