Wednesday, January 6, 2010

"20 things you don't know", by Boyle & Milano

Today, I came across an Esquire article written by the lovely and talented Alyssa Milano. Who, by the way, ranks VERY high on Timmy’s All-Time Celebrity Crushes list (to see the list click here).

Now, I have no desire to compete with such a stunning piece of work (which applies to both the article and the author), but as soon as I had finished reading it, I just knew I needed to write a complimentary piece…of sorts.

DISCLAIMER: Alyssa’s views and opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Timmy Boyle! However, Timmy’s views and opinions do.

So, without further ado, here is, "Ten things you don’t know about women" by Alyssa Milano (in BLACK) and, “Ten things you don’t know about me” by Timmy (in RED):

1.
Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.

I used to be extremely self-conscious, but now I am very comfortable with the way I look. Some years ago, I attended a conference called “True Beauty”, where they spoke of beauty being an inward, not an outward, quality. After that conference I was no longer unsatisfied with my physical appearance…mainly because I straightened my teeth, changed my hair cut, put on some muscle, bought a new wardrobe, and cleared up the acne.
2.
Women produce half the world's food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we're fine with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.

I produce 0% of the world’s food, but I also own 0% of the farmland. I’m just doing my part.

3.
Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn.

I love corn! I can’t stand when people hide corn.
4.
Women remember everything. Don't believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won't tell you it was at a party. She'll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy's pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the "what's up" nod. This still infuriates her. ("How could you give me the nod?")

I think my memory is directly connected to my heart, because I can vividly recall each detail of every emotionally charged moment in my life. Now, where are my car keys?
5.
An eyelash curler, while mean and ferocious looking, is not a weapon.

I was once stabbed with an eyelash curler…three times. I was hospitalized for a week and still have panic attacks when I pass my wife’s make-up table. A curler may not be a weapon…but it’s certainly not a toy, either!
6.
No matter how much your woman loves you, there are going to be three to seven days each month when she wants you dead. (She may even quietly fantasize about turning her eyelash curler against you.) You have two options: Tie yourself to a tree and wait out the storm, or stock up at Tiffany's, toss a blue box or two into the wind, and hope for the best. We recommend the latter. (The key chain doesn't count.)

I know my wife loves me, but for 23-27 days of every month, she wants me dead. Has the curler but can’t pull the trigger…again. What a sweet heart. She seems quite content to have me tied to the tree for the other three to seven days.
7.
We think it's weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.

I find it weird when I watch sports and concentrate to help my team…but you can’t argue with a 67% success rate. Although, I have noticed that my mind powers tend to be less effective when my team sucks.
8.
"Hey, Melissa, who's the boss?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Phoebe, where'd you park your broomstick?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Alyssa, you look 250 pounds lighter than Brian Dennehy in that dress." Surprisingly good pickup line.

“Hey Timmy, you look like Alyssa Milano in that dress.” Friends for life.
9.
Women hear better than men. That's before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one first because I'm sure I've lost you by now.

I have a short attention span and believe I’m better off for it. Having the attention span of a statue is dangerous. If you don’t keep moving, the birds poop on ya.
10.
You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You're welcome.

You may be surprised to know that I am responsible for all of the following:

Have a good one,
Timmy

7 comments:

  1. Great ideas as always! Keep up the good 'non'work!!!

    Your southern bud,
    ArlondoBeyondo

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  2. favorite line
    I love corn, I can't stand it when people hide corn
    AnitaB

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  3. That's my wife's favourite as well. She doesn't laugh at my jokes very much, but I got her on that one...

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  4. You crack me up, Timmy Boyle!

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  5. "If you don't keep moving, the birds poop on ya." New favorite quote.

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  6. It's not just a quote. It's a lifestyle.

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