Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Chosen One!

What an exciting day this is! It’s National Eclipse Day.


It is the day where young girls, their cougarish moms and a few strange boys will flood movie theatres decked out in their tear stained Twilight shirts, to watch the much anticipated sequel in their beloved Edfest series.

Here in Toronto, the police will once again be in full riot gear as they anticipate tensions between Team Edward and Team Jacob reaching critical mass.

Chants of “Glowing vampires bite!” and “Shirtless werewolves are beasts!” will echo throughout thousands of cinema lobbies across the world. Strangely enough, because of the double entendres, both slogans could be used by each group.

For the record…I’m on Team Jacob. The reasons for this are three fold.

First, Edward is down right creepy...and not in a “Cool! A creepy vampire” kind of way but rather in an “Ew! A creepy stalker” kind of way.

Second, Taylor Swift likes (or liked, depending on what tabloid you read) the dude who plays Jacob and, quite frankly, whatever Taylor Swift likes (or liked), I like.

“I knit sweaters, y'all!” (Swift...call me.)

Third, I simply can’t relate to a guy who glows. But I definitely know what it is to go shirtless, be covered in hair and have rock solid abs.

So, being such a special occasion, I decided to proudly wave the Team Jacob flag, in a figurative way (because I don't actually own a flag), by going shirtless for the entire day. Which I think is the only proper way to do it, because honouring everyone’s favourite topless werewolf by wearing a Team Jacob shirt is kind of a contradiction.

Anyways, it wasn’t enough to just wander my home flaunting my chest; I needed to make my demonstration public. Since I wouldn’t be caught dead actually going to watch the movie, I decided to post a picture online…but where?

My initial thought was Facebook, but based on the picture I didn’t think it was very appropriate…seeing as my face wasn’t visible. However, after briefly wondering if anyone had created a site called Chestbook, I went back to my first plan.


And then…

Within moments of posting the above picture my keen-eyed (and spiritually alert) friend, Jamie Strickland, noticed something most spectacular…if not miraculous!


I was awestruck. It was beautiful. There, woven into my chest, was…

BATMAN!


The insignia was clear as day. I have a blessed chest!

I immediately began considering the significance? Why now? Why me? After much pondering I have concluded the following:

Why now? Well...Edward is a vampire. Vampires are historically known for turning into bats. Batman is a man dressed as a bat (and the best superhero of all time)!

My chest is a reminder to all Edward fans, on this their holy day, that Batman is still the king of all things “batty”. Batman rules the night. Don’t ever forget it! Infact, Batman uses “Edwards” to wipe his nose.


Why me? I have no idea. But, if you rub my chest you'll get super powers! So come on by before it disappears (by miracle or combing).


Have a good one,
Timmy

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Twitter, Milano and a Challenge Renewed.

Well, I am in a state of shock.

About an hour ago, as I was perusing my Twitter feed, I came across a video link that had been posted by Alyssa Milano



I not only found the video quite funny, but I was quite intrigued by the theory it expounded.  For those of you who lack the ability to push the play button on the above link, the theory is this:

Twitter allows the average joe (or joe-ette) to be ignored by those in the realm of celebrity faster than the old days when we had to send written letters to various fan clubs (which I have never done).  In other words, it is a great time saver in regards to rejection.

Within minutes I decided that a test of the theory was in order. But, who to contact?  Hmmm.  I didn't ponder long as the most obvious choice was the original poster (poster n. one who posts) of the link.

So, around 3:57 EST, after wiping my sweaty palms, I typed the following message to Alyssa via Twitter:

timmybits @Alyssa_Milano Thanks for posting that awesome video. Don't worry about saying "You're Welcome", just read this: http://bit.ly/9owQcC

The link I left her was to a previously written post challenging her to a Literary Duel. You can read the article "Ten things you don't know" by Boyle & Milano here.



Having sent that message, I immediately followed it up with the following statement...again via Twitter:

timmybits I'm about to be ignored by @Alyssa_Milano.
She has 'til 8:00pm EST. I'll let you know. Until then: http://bit.ly/ampSPL

I was all prepared for this nice dramatic countdown, and was looking forward to the moment the clock would strike...8.  It was to be this long drama that would sadly end with my carriage turning back into a pumpkin (It's not perfect imagery, but you get the point).  However, at 4:30 EST (long before 8:00pm), the following message appeared in my Twitter feed:

Alyssa_Milano @timmybits Hi.

GET OUT OF HERE!  I almost fell of my couch.  And that, considering I didn't fall off it yesterday when the earthquake hit, should tell you something.

Well, there you go!  Hollywood starlett Alyssa Milano said "Hi" to Canadian Joe Timmy Boyle.  I'll never wash my Twitter again.

Let the record state:  Alyssa Milano acknowledged my greeting in 33 minutes and for that we give her three thumbs up (I've had an extra thumb since birth).  Now, as cool as that may be, there are still three questions that remain. 

Does Timmy really have three thumbs?  Did Alyssa read the link before she responded?  And if she did... Is she up to the literary challenge?

Here's thinking that we'll never know.  Why?  Because it's Twitter.

Although it was a rare but very nice gesture, Ayssa Milano isn't about to strike up a real conversation or get into some writing challenge with some anonymous...Twit (Twit n. A person who communicates on Twitter).

Infact, my good friend @Vanster, who connected with Ben Stiller some time ago on my behalf, kindly pointed out that Alyssa "probably thinks (I'm) some creepy stalker guy."

But, that's crazy talk.  I mean, everyone knows that creepy stalker guys always preface each attempted contact with the words, "I'm not a creepy stalker guy..." 

There are no creepy stalker guys that just say "Hey".  They say things like:

"I'm not a creepy stalker guy, but I wanted to say 'Hey'..." or
"I'm not a creepy stalker guy, but I would love to meet you..." or
"I'm not a creepy stalker guy, but I do watch you through your curtains every evening..."

Anyways, hopefully Alyssa understands that I'm just a nice Canadian dude who was impressed with her wit and wants to have a little writing competition.  And surely a good ol' girl from Brooklyn wouldn't turn down a friendly challenge.

But, with that being said, it's probably in her best interest to stick with "Hi" and pretend to ignore the whole Literary Duel.  I mean, after all...I'd probably wipe the floor with her as a writer.

You still listening, Alyssa?  You know where to find me...

Read "Ten Things You Don't Know" by Boyle & Milano

What about the video you ask?  It's real funny...and mostly true.
 
Have a good one,
Timmy

Thursday, June 10, 2010

That Hurts!

Well, once again a part of my body is wrapped in ice. Last Friday it was my right knee.


Today...it's my left wrist & forearm.


Now, unlike the happiness that surrounded my knee "injury", there is certainly no joy in this latest meeting between me and the ice pack. As it stands right now, I have either a very badly sprained wrist or a hairline fracture.

While playing baseball on Tuesday night, I dove to catch a last-inning liner that arched just over our 2nd basemen's head (and yes I did catch it). The whole play didn't seem much different than any of the other numerous diving plays that I've subjected my body to over the years, but this time my landing was obviously a little heavy on the glove hand.

Soon after the game my fingers began going numb, and pain started to shoot up my forearm every time I twisted my wrist. I didn't sleep well because of it and became quite worried that I had done some damage that I couldn't just "stretch out" or "walk off".

So, first thing yesterday morning I was off to visit my good ol' doctor who, after poking and twisting my arm for a few minutes, sent me upstairs to get an X-Ray.

Then came the bad news. It was the end of an era.

Getting the X-Ray would effectively end an iron man streak that I am immensely proud of.

Here is a picture of my left arm:


Do you notice anything?


My family frequents an awesome family water park resort called Great Wolf Lodge. It is our happy place.



Well, two years ago, on Father's Day weekend, I decided to start keeping the GWL bracelets, from each subsequent visit, on my arm.

That large sun-deprived area of skin, in the picture above, marks the spot where NINE Great Wolf Lodge bracelets once dwelt, 24-7!


So, here was my choice: Get the X-Ray or keep the bracelets on. And honestly...I had to think about it.  But, in the end I did the wise thing.  "DARN YOU WISDOM!"

Anyways, cutting off those bands hurt more than twisting my wrist side to side.

Now, I was planning to remove them soon anyways so you'd think that would make me feel better...but it doesn't. Why? Because I was forced to do it just 5 days short of the two year anniversary of the oldest band. 

Next weekend my family will be back at the Lodge for the annual Father's Day celebrations, and I was really looking forward to doing a ceremonial removal of the bracelets in Cub Club with a few of our Great Wolf friends.  Oh well...C'est la vie! (which means "Such is Life" or "Where is the bathroom?"...I can't remember)

So, for now it's ice and restricted movement while I wait for the X-Ray results. I have never broken a bone, as far as I know, but part of me is hoping this turns out to be my first...at least then my bracelets won't have died early in vain!


Have a good one,
Timmy
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