Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Chosen One!

What an exciting day this is! It’s National Eclipse Day.

It is the day where young girls, their cougarish moms and a few strange boys will flood movie theatres decked out in their tear stained Twilight shirts, to watch the much anticipated sequel in their beloved Edfest series.

Here in Toronto, the police will once again be in full riot gear as they anticipate tensions between Team Edward and Team Jacob reaching critical mass.

Chants of “Glowing vampires bite!” and “Shirtless werewolves are beasts!” will echo throughout thousands of cinema lobbies across the world. Strangely enough, because of the double entendres, both slogans could be used by each group.

For the record…I’m on Team Jacob. The reasons for this are three fold.

First, Edward is down right creepy...and not in a “Cool! A creepy vampire” kind of way but rather in an “Ew! A creepy stalker” kind of way.

Second, Taylor Swift likes (or liked, depending on what tabloid you read) the dude who plays Jacob and, quite frankly, whatever Taylor Swift likes (or liked), I like.

“I knit sweaters, y'all!” ( me.)

Third, I simply can’t relate to a guy who glows. But I definitely know what it is to go shirtless, be covered in hair and have rock solid abs.

So, being such a special occasion, I decided to proudly wave the Team Jacob flag, in a figurative way (because I don't actually own a flag), by going shirtless for the entire day. Which I think is the only proper way to do it, because honouring everyone’s favourite topless werewolf by wearing a Team Jacob shirt is kind of a contradiction.

Anyways, it wasn’t enough to just wander my home flaunting my chest; I needed to make my demonstration public. Since I wouldn’t be caught dead actually going to watch the movie, I decided to post a picture online…but where?

My initial thought was Facebook, but based on the picture I didn’t think it was very appropriate…seeing as my face wasn’t visible. However, after briefly wondering if anyone had created a site called Chestbook, I went back to my first plan.

And then…

Within moments of posting the above picture my keen-eyed (and spiritually alert) friend, Jamie Strickland, noticed something most spectacular…if not miraculous!

I was awestruck. It was beautiful. There, woven into my chest, was…


The insignia was clear as day. I have a blessed chest!

I immediately began considering the significance? Why now? Why me? After much pondering I have concluded the following:

Why now? Well...Edward is a vampire. Vampires are historically known for turning into bats. Batman is a man dressed as a bat (and the best superhero of all time)!

My chest is a reminder to all Edward fans, on this their holy day, that Batman is still the king of all things “batty”. Batman rules the night. Don’t ever forget it! Infact, Batman uses “Edwards” to wipe his nose.

Why me? I have no idea. But, if you rub my chest you'll get super powers! So come on by before it disappears (by miracle or combing).

Have a good one,


  1. This is really funny. It just stood out to me, what can I say?

  2. Wow. That's about all I can say. Wow. I'll be looking at the grocery check out stand for pictures of your chest. I'll be very proud.

  3. only Tim can do this.....your too funny!!

  4. jamie the comedianJuly 1, 2010 at 11:31 AM

    Bruce Wyane has nothing on you...

  5. I just don't know where to start. Wonder what would happen if a little cow pooh was rubbed into that?

    Did you know that Taylor - the twilight guy lived near us and went to the schools my kids did? He moved to CA when he was younger - didn't finish here. We're all hoping he keeps his home grown roots and decency about him.

    You, on the other hand, let's just say we'll put you on the prayer list :)


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