Thursday, September 23, 2010

My Cats Are Out To Get Me!

The world seems to be separated into two very distinct categories.

Me and everyone else.

But that’s for another day.

However, there is yet another way to divide this great planet of ours.

There are those who love cats and those who…

…watch Glee.

Sorry. I’m not sure why, but I suddenly realized that I’m probably the only living person to have never referenced Glee in their blog (let alone watched an episode) so I took the opportunity to drop it in…even though it didn’t actually make sense.  Unless, of course, all Glee watchers hate cats…because then we have something.

Anyways, I have two cats. Spanky, the sour, cranky, but occasionally cute, fluffy grey one, and Podgy, the mentally challenged, incredibly needy, food hoarding fat black one.

They’re adorable.


Interestingly enough, as my sarcasm comes pouring out onto the virtual page, one of those furry precious gifts is coughing up something nasty onto my very real and recently cleaned carpet.

Coincidence? I think not.

Cats are a sinister breed. Deceptive, even.

Think Puss from Shrek.

Cats know more than we think they know and are capable of greater evil than we can ever imagine.

I simply don’t trust them.

People have said that dogs are smarter than cats because they can do tricks. Well, I’m certainly in the camp that agrees that cats actually prove their amazing intelligence by NOT rolling over for our amusement.

Some wise man from the distant past (probably the 80’s) once said, “Cats were worshipped in Egypt and they’ve never forgotten it.

Take that to the bank!

If you were to sit in the center of a very large empty room, with plenty of roaming space all around you, and began to assemble a puzzle, any cat worth its cattiness would wait until you were half-finished and then wander all the way over...just to step into your project. Mean? Yes.

Then they would slowly spin around making sure to kick away any loose pieces. Cruel? You bet.

Then they would flop onto the ground so as to destroy everything you have worked on. Malicious? Certainly.

Then, with a side glance and a smirk (I’ve seen the smirk), they’d stretch their elastic-like body as far as they possibly could...scattering the entire puzzle out of arms reach.

It is a shock and awe campaign like no other. Every move the cat makes is slow and calculated yet it is so deceptively swift that it paralyzes you into doing nothing until it’s too late. And, when you do finally snap out of the hypnotic state and try to remove the perpetrator from the scene of the crime, the cat goes “dead weight” limp and begins to madly swing their tail in a last ditch effort to make sure that at least one piece gets lost, so you’ll never be able to finish the puzzle…ever!

Knowing that blank gap in the center of your beautiful photo of "Paris at Night" will haunt you, the cat eventually would stroll away, purring with satisfaction.

Yesterday, while cleaning the living room, I stumbled across my cat’s most recent plot. And, quite frankly, I’m terrified. As I swept the cat hair off my carpet and couch I was astonished at the sheer mass of fur that had accumulated.

I don’t know which feline (the stupid one or the lazy one) is the mastermind, but they are clearly up to something big. Really, big!

By distributing the sheddings over the entire carpet it was impossible for the naked human eye to recognize anything out of the ordinary. Their ominous plan was hidden in plain sight. Now, that’s bold!

After sizing up the situation I am now completely aware of their intentions.

They are planning to build an army of cats!

Those fiends!

I realize that by ridding the house of that giant hair ball I haven’t stopped them.  I've simply delayed the inevitable...and probably made them quite angry, in the process.  It may not be long before they figure out I'm on to them.

All I can say is when I took this picture...

...I hope they were really sleeping!

Please note:  If I succumb to an “accident” over the next few days. Suspect A and B (and possibly C) will be lounging on my couch...smirking.

Have a good one,


  1. hehe. I'm all for the connection. I also love cats, and have never watched Glee. In fact as far as I know, this response is the very first time I have even typed that TV show title.

  2. It feels good doesn't it...Glee. Glee. Glee. It just makes me smile.

  3. HA! You are really funny. That picture cracked me up. I wasn't CM, though. I was GLALG. Try to figure that one out.

  4. Thanks. And, you probably shouldn't GLALG too much or your A may fall O.


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