Friday, October 29, 2010

Halloween Cheer; Christmas Fear (Repost)

*If you have a favourite post from the vault, let me know in the comments and I'll resurrect it on a future Flashback Friday*

In keeping with the season, I'm resurrecting this rant from a Halloween past.  It includes one of my favourite one-liners ever.  If you think you know which one it is, leave me a comment.  Enjoy!

Halloween Cheer; Christmas Fear
Original Post Date:
Oct. 30, 2009

I was out shopping earlier this week. Well, maybe "shopping" is a bad choice of words, because I wasn't planning to purchase anything...

So, I was out looking in stores earlier this week. No...I don't think "looking" is right either, because there wasn't anything that I was seeking out in particular...

Earlier this week, I was blindly following my wife through a variety of stores. Ya...That's better.

Anyways, while on the journey, I had to navigate through aisle after aisle after aisle of Halloween merchandise. Not surprising, of course. 'Tis the season.

Admittedly, I am not a big fan of this particular holiday. I wouldn't describe myself as a Halloween Scrooge, or anything; I just don't go out of my way to acknowledge it's existence.

For me, death, blood and gore have never been overly appealing. Now, I know it's not all dark, for there will be many bunnies, Transformers and lil' Taylor Swifts walking the streets. However, the cute will still be severely outnumbered by the demons, zombies and lil' Robert Pattinsons...creepy!

Also, it's not like Halloween has a whole lot to offer me. I mean, I can get my hands on candy whenever I please and I play "dress-up", more than enough, over a calendar year, to get my fill.

So, as I weaved through the crowd - trying to keep up with my wife - it should really be no surprise that I wasn't paying attention to the ghoulish masks, pumpkin lanterns and tomb stones, which had witty sayings like..."RIP" (not that witty).

But, at one point, I stopped "dead in my tracks" - which is a very appropriate phrase, I figure.

My jaw dropped. A cloud of dread and fear came over me. I was paralyzed. I even tried calling out to Heidi, who had continued on without me, but I couldn't utter a sound. I had never felt so... trapped.

It was the most horrifying sight - and I'm not talking about the XXXL French Maid costume...which was certainly very disturbing, as well.

No. Down the next aisle was...

was...

was...

Christmas decorations.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jeepers Creepers. It was only Oct. 26th. What are these people thinking! Can't we at least get THROUGH one holiday before moving on to the next.

It's getting crazy! Like, stupid crazy.

I mean, do we really need two full months to prepare for Christmas...or any other holiday for that matter.

It was bad enough that, in the past, garland and fruit cake started to surface on November, 1. At least, Halloween was over. But now, stores are selling fake snow almost a week BEFORE Halloween.

On the 61st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...61 skeletons a dancin'

The end is near, folks. Take that big rubber knife, from aisle four, and drive it deep into my fake heart, from aisle three.

For the next few minutes, I stumbled around like a zombie, in complete disbelief. As much as I like Santa, and all, I cringed more at the sight of that jolly ol' elf than I did the creepy man with the loose eyeball.

And now, I fear the very thought of entering a mall on Dec. 14th, with Carols blaring, and having to navigate aisles brimming with gifts for...Valentines Day!

If that happens, be assured that there will be no love flowing from me. Christmas cheer...yes. Love...No.

Maybe the stores should just stock their shelves for every holiday, 12-months a year. Ghosts, reindeer and Cupid, oh my!

Or, maybe they should just merge them into one big holiday. All day, every day: "Happy Consumerism!"

Someone please stop this holiday madness! It's making me so sick, I just dropped a rubber puddle of vomit on the floor.

Have a good one,
Timmy

*If you have a favourite post from the vault, let me know in the comments and I'll resurrect it on a future Flashback Friday*

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Thursday, October 28, 2010

Talking without Typing? What a Novel Idea.

THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

NOW AVAILABLE!
“INSIDE TIMMY’S MIND”…THE BOOK.
Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE

READ ABOUT THE BOOK HERE

TIMMY’S MIND IS:
A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Shoo Shoes!

I’m a pretty simple man (insert not so witty but appropriate shots at my intellect here).

I don’t need a whole lot and could easily get by with my baseball glove, a video camera and a pair of wool socks. In fact, I’ve actually done it…and I’m praying that video doesn’t make it online.

Despite my simplicity, I do understand things tend to accumulate over time. With the passing of days comes the piling of stuff.  Most of the increase can be blamed on four things:

1. Holidays like birthdays and Christmas.
2. The wear & tear of daily life.
3. The complete and utter inability to throw things away.
4. The Dollar Store.

I say, give hugs not stuff, build indestructible underwear and sell everything for $25 or more and shows like “Hoarders” would never see the light of day.

However, I’m not here to preach a life where all my belongings fit into a single shopping cart or even that “collections” are of the devil - although the collecting of Edward Cullen paraphernalia may be slightly sinister. I’m just saying…some things get out of hand.

Like shoes.

I have SIX pairs of shoes to my name – and by shoes I mean any foot wear that are “non-socks”. Here is what takes up space in my closet:


1. Winter Boots
pa220369

2. Summer Flip Flops
pa220368

3. Every Day Runners
pa220366

4. “Muddy” Runners
pa220367

5. Dress Shoes
pa220370

6. Performance Shoes
pa220371


Now, considering the various seasons and situations I come across, I don’t feel owning six pairs is unreasonable at all.

What I can’t seem to grasp is how this happens:


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Those are ALL the “shoes” that reside in the hallway closet, on the hallway floor and up the hallway stairs. We could play the “Jelly Bean in the Jar” guessing game or I could just tell you there are 73 pairs. Actually, 74…’cause I’m assuming Heidi is presently wearing shoes at work.

Seventy-four pairs of “shoes”! That is outrageous verging on insane.

Now, I realize I have a family of five but let’s take a second to do some basic reasoning...and math.

A simple basic person owns six pairs of “shoes”. Then we add two pairs for the less simple and double that total for women. With my reality and those assumptions in play here is what one could expect the Boyle household to look like:

Timmy (simple male): 6 pairs
Heidi (not simple female): 16 pairs
Jade (not simple female): 16 pairs
Aliyah (not simple female): 16 pairs
Connor (simple male): 6 pairs

Please note it is only a coincidence that the "simple-not simple" split happens to be divided by gender...or is it?

Anyways, a fairly reasonable total pairs for my family would be...60. That's right. SIX. ZERO.

It is STILL absurdly high...because I don’t actually condone the doubling equation for women but am begrudgingly accepting it as an unalterable truth in our world.

I am shoe-shocked!

Not only are we 14 pairs over an already very-very generous shoe margin, but my tiny hallway only has a 175 shoe capacity (200 shoes with no walking space). That is “shoes” not “pairs”, so clearly we are on the verge of some serious sh…oe.

I see three options:

1. Get rid of some shoes.
2. Get rid of the women.
3. Amputate some feet.

A family meeting has been called.

I’m leaning towards option #1, but knowing my women…they won’t want to leave or get rid of their shoes. So, I guess it’s about to get messy.

Have a good one,
Timmy

DON'T FORGET TO CAST YOUR VOTE FOR WHICH 'STACHE I SHOULD ROCK FOR PROSTATE CANCER (See top side bar for details)

Monday, October 25, 2010

Which 'Stache Should I Rock for Prostate Cancer?

On November 1st, I set out to rock the 'stache in hopes of raising awareness and funds for prostate cancer.  But, first I need your help to decide what 'stache I should attempt to rock. 

The poll is open Oct. 25 at 8:00am - Oct. 31 at 8:00pm
The winning 'stache will be announced on Nov. 1.
Weekly upates with pictures & stories will be posted every Tuesday through the month of November.

VOTE NOW

1. Select ONE of the options from the pictures - BELOW
2. Submit your VOTE in the Poll Box - TOP SIDEBAR

CHOOSE ONE 'STACHE and CAST YOUR VOTE!



ALSO, please consider the following:

1. DONATE via my secure Movember Profile Page - HERE
*Region - Canada, Member - Tim Boyle
2. SUBSCRIBE and/or FOLLOW to get notified of updates - SIDEBAR
3. INVITE friends to vote, donate and follow the journey

Making a difference with my face,
Timmy

Friday, October 22, 2010

T is for Tim Horton's (Repost)

THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

NOW AVAILABLE!
“INSIDE TIMMY’S MIND”…THE BOOK.
Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE

READ ABOUT THE BOOK HERE

TIMMY’S MIND IS:
A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Making a Difference...With My Face!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement.

No, I am not running for Mayor of Toronto. The vote is only four days away and although I feel it is more than enough time to gather my stuff together and walk away victorious…I have greater things to accomplish.

I am growing a moustache!

This is pretty monumental. I’ve never grown a moustache before. I’ve shaped a few during various creative shaving moments, only to have each one swiftly chopped off the moment my wife saw them.

No offence to moustached individuals (male or female), but my wife isn’t exactly fond of the facial throw rug. She’d rather wall to wall carpeting or hard wood floor…if you know what I mean.

So then…why am I growing one? Is Heidi dead? Are we separated? Does she not care what I look like? No. No. And…probably no. Actually, she is the one who has encouraged it…but only for a month.

MOVEMBER is fast approaching and I’m diving in face first.

For those who haven’t heard, Movember is an annual event designed to raise awareness and funds for prostate cancer (the number one cancer among men).

It is a call for men to change the face of men’s health by changing their appearance. The moustache essentially becomes “the ribbon” for prostate cancer - which I think is much cooler than pinning a clump of hair to my shirt for 30 days.

I am more than excited to be taking part in this amazingly brilliant campaign that was birthed just 7 years ago, over a few beers in Australia. Quite frankly, I (and Heidi) are just happy they didn’t create “Speedovember”…even though, in a way, it would actually be slightly more relevant to the cause.

Last year, over 250,000 Mo Bros and Mo Sistas (“supporters” not “growers”…I think) from 10 countries raised 47 million dollars. *Note: Canada raised almost 8 million and ranked 2nd. Oh Canada!

Starting November 1st...Timmy is a Mo Bro! This means for the entire month of November…I’ll be

ROCKIN’ THE STACHE!

But…I need your help. What kind of stache should I rock?


Next week, I’ll be posting the options here Inside Timmy’s Mind and calling on you the reader to VOTE for which Stache Heidi will have to endure as I rock it for prostate cancer!

The polls will open MONDAY, OCTOBER 25 at 8:00am and remain open until SUNDAY, OCTOBER 31 at 8:00pm.

The winning stache will be announced MONDAY, NOVEMBER 1 at 8:00am and I will provide weekly updates of my stache growing journey through pictures and stories each TUESDAY.

RAISE AWARENESS:
1. Get the men in your life to rock the stache with me. Send me their pics along the way and I’ll include them in my updates.

2. Invite your friends (male or female) to VOTE next week & FOLLOW my journey here at Inside Timmy's Mind.

RAISE FUNDS:
1. DONATE online through my secure Movember profile page HERE (I'm on Team Bartender One).

Hope to see you Monday...and throughout Movember!  Let's make a difference with my face!

Have a good one,
Timmy

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Latest Hollywood News and Celebrity Gossip!


I give the people what they want.  If they want the latest celebrity gossip well here it is!




CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE TO TIMMY'S YOUTUBE CHANNEL

Have a good one,
Timmy
CLICK FOR MORE

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Fun AND Lucrative! Call me.

I love my job. It’s a fun job.

However, I recently came across a Yahoo article titled, "Where have all the fun jobs gone?" and discovered a list of eight occupations that are fun AND lucrative (which is probably why “Comedian” wasn’t on it).

After reading it over, I quickly realized that I could easily do each of those jobs on a contract basis and thereby increase my fun level eight-fold and my lucrativity...sixteen-fold (at least).

So, apart from contacting me for comedy/emcee work, I now offer the following services:


#1 Graphic Designer

If it’s graphic...I can design it. Here is a recent project:


Design Packages 
Basic: Any number of 2-D shapes (no colour) - $25/hr
Fancy: Add colour and things other than 2-D shapes (exceptions include animals & people) - Fee $50/hr
Sick!: Add Comic Sans text - Fee $100/hr *add $25/hour for any other fonts...in Microsoft Paint.


#2 PR/Marketing Specialist

Want people to want you. Here is a basic introduction:

“(Insert Your Name Here) is awesome!
If you want awesome, then you want (Insert Your Name Here)!
How do you spell (Insert Your Name Here)? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!”

Marketing Packages
Basic: I’ll yell the above intro from my roof - $25/yell (5 max) *add $25 during rush hour.
Print: 50 business cards handed out while I'm shopping - $50/set of 50 *add $25 to use card stock.
Interweb: I’ll put the above intro in my Facebook status. $100/day (weekly max) *Add $25 for Twitter.

Note:  Insert your name into the appropriate spots for $25 - applies to all packages.


#3 Forensic Accountant

I don’t know what a Forensic Accountant is, but it probably needs a math expert.

Math Resume:
- A+ Grades 1-9
- "Gifted" Class: Grade 10
- can recite times tables in a reasonable time frame (up to 12’s, but excluding 9’s)
- know BEDMAS
- proficient with a ruler (cm’s and inches)
- haven’t needed a 1-100 counting chart for over 15 years.

Accounting Packages
Basic: Addition and Subtraction up to 2-digits - Fee $25/hr
General: Multiplication and Division up to 2-digits - Fee $50/hr
Advanced: All other math related problems - Fee $100/hour *add $25/hr if it includes multiplying by 9’s.


#4 Chef

Cheffery is not what I do. It’s who I am.  Here is one of my secret ingredients:


Chef Packages
Basic: "Loopy Fruity" Special - Fee: $25/bowl (incl. bowl & spoon) *add $25 for milk.
Sous-Chef: "Grilled Cheesiness" - Fee $50/sandwich *add $25 if you want cheese on it.
Top Chef: "KD Delight" - Fee $25/box (3 max) *add $25 for extra creamy and/or hot dog chunks.


#5 Event Planner

Where there is no plan...there is no event.  Here is my award-winning Event Schedule:

5:45 Doors Open
6:15 Greetings
6:15 Pre-Entertainment
6:45 Main Event – Part I
7:45 Intermission
8:00 Main Event – Part II
9:00 Goodnight

Event Packages
Basic: Order the following schedule “as is” - Fee $24.95 (plus shipping) *add $25 for downloadable PDF.
Flexible: Re-arrange the order of events - Fee $50/hr (min. 3 hrs)
Alternative: Add/remove any one element - Fee $100 *add $25 for each additional alteration.
Specific: Include a "specific” in any one element - Fee $995.95 *add $25 for each additional “specific”.

Note: I’ll probably hire someone to work on any orders of Package #4.


#6 Interior Designer

Here’s a freebie:

Sets of three (or five). Complimentary colours. No shag.  You're welcome.


#7 Video Game Designer

I still own Pac Man.  Need I say more.  Here's a screen shot of my latest idea:

"PING"
*Name and image protected under copyright...when I get around to doing it.

I only have this one idea. If you want it, make me an offer.  Please understand the video game market is VERY lucrative, so don’t insult me with anything less than $1,000,000.

Well there you have it.  I look forward to doing business with you.

Have a good one,
Timmy

NOTE:  At the begining I mentioned there were eight jobs and then only listed seven.  If you noticed that one was missing maybe you can be a Forensic Accountant too.

(The missing job was Massage Therapist.  I left it out because you can't provide therapy for a massage.  It must be a mis-print.)

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Great Debate at Connecting Now!

Each week, I'll be taking some time to introduce you to a blog I find interesting, funny or absurd.  Although the content you will be exposed to won't be coming directly from my mind, it will definitely be something my mind loves. So, if you enjoy my mind...you'll enjoy these friends.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Settle in for this one. It's longer than usual, but completely necessary.

The Mik Chiks over at Connecting Now never cease to amaze me.

Although it has only been 35 days since this very funny, yet strangely insightful, advice blog was highlighted on my first ever Mix & Mingle Monday, they have already managed to get themselves back Inside Timmy’s Mind.

Over the last week, I have been very busy preparing for two nights of comedy at a very unique little dinner theatre in Pickering, ON. As a result of this singular focus, I was not keeping as close an eye on the goings on at my favourite blog (that has an orange phone as its logo).

On Saturday, just prior to departing for the second show, I decided to do a quick check of what I’d been missing…and stumbled across a very important matter being raised in the Connecting Now universe. It was, by far, the biggest coNUNdrum I had seen Lisa and Maddie try to tackle.

With so much at stake, and the comments getting clearly out of hand, I knew I needed to jump in, but time was not on my side. To be able to digest all that was before me and comment appropriately, before the 17:00 Sunday deadline (Zulu time)…was simply impossible.

So, I requested an extension and Lisa – wisely – granted me an extra day.

Now, I’m sure some of you are wondering what all the fuss is about…while others have already moved on to another blog.

You see, Connecting Now has a membership system in place and they have just offered up two candidates for entrance into Stainless Steel via debate.

Being a very proud Stainless Steel Member (inducted 10/01/10) I feel it is my duty, when presented the opportunity, to help make sure that, unlike the Hockey Hall of Fame, The Mik Chik Hall remains untarnished and legitimate.

Lisa and Maddie have each chosen to represent a prospective member. Although, in the interest of full disclosure, I am the president/founder of Team Maddie I assure you I am more than capable of keeping my deep admiration for Maddie from clouding my judgement in this very (very…very) important matter.

THE CANDIDATES:

B. Labuff (represented by Lisa) and A. Wiley (represented by the very wise Maddie).

THE CRITERIA:

1) The candidate must do/say something extraordinary.
2) The candidate must be generally likable/pleasing to us.
3) The candidate must prove his/her worthiness for membership in an intense debate against another candidate.

MY SUMMARY AND CONCLUSION:

My conclusion will be based on nothing more than the debate itself. Unlike others, with their emotional blinders on, who have said, “This my beloved friend, so please vote!” I am not basing my decision on anything but…the debate. Let us begin.

Maddie begins with a call to human decency. A sappy, but intriguing start. Point Maddie. Her prospective member (A. Wiley) is presented as lovely, young, faithful, loving and giving. All great qualities that fit nicely into the criteria of “likeability”…except for one. Did Maddie just imply that if A. Wiley had been “old” she would cease to be likeable? Hmmm. Back to zero.

Maddie enjoys the comments of A. Wiley, but uses the word “always” which clearly breaks the debate code of ethics as laid out by eHow. Not wise so early in the game. Win me over first, then drop the code. Minus one.

Maddie uses a recent comment from A. Wiley as proof positive of her incredible humour (note: I used a U in humour, ‘cause that’s the way it’s spelled.)…but is it funny?

"I would have been rushing off to get a tattoo, but sadly I'm allergic to tomatoes
and it would be a short-lived (but very romantic, I'm sure) marriage
ending in anaphylactic death throes...or something like that."

Okay, “death throes…or something like that.” is definitely funny. Assuming Maddie is trying to imply that “humour” fits into the aforementioned “likeability” category, then job well done. However, she negates her victory by comparing A. Wiley to Shakespeare.

Although Willie (may he rest in peace) did write about romances ending in tragic deaths…or something like that…and has a name similar to Wiley, he wasn’t exactly lovely, young or a woman, which makes Maddie’s comparison rather weak. It is a classic example of over doing it to cover up a perceived flaw. What is A. Wiley’s flaw? I’m not sure, but Maddie worked real hard to keep us in awe...rather than be realistic.

Still down a point, Maddie uses another A. Wiley comment to establish, once and for all, that A. Wiley is just as witty in the conscious and unconscious worlds. For, even a “perceived” typo makes for an LOL…or two.

"I thought about trying out for Dead or No Deal..."

We don’t know if that is a typo or not. It’s pure conjecture, and I’m pretty sure you can’t use conjecture…at least Matlock would never use it. Minus two.

If it is a typo then A. Wiley truly is funny even when she’s not trying (a very “likeable” quality). If it isn’t a typo, she is either referring to a very obscure HBO series or simply revealing a very dark side which really isn’t so likeable after all.

Put that one in your pipes and smoke it…as Maddie would (and did) say.

SCORE:
MADDIE (A. Wiley) -2
LISA (B. Labuff) TBD

Now let’s take a look at Lisa’s side of the argument. And unless she really tanks…it doesn’t look good for Wiley.

Going down a different route than her opponent, Lisa doesn’t start by describing her candidate. Rather she attempts to kiss-up to the voters by describing them as “perceptive” and “discerning”. I’m not sure if most of her readers understand three syllable words, but I do and willingly accept the kiss-up...and grant her one point.

On kiss-up alone, I will also overlook the early use of the word “always” (even though it’s in all caps).

Maddie had proved one thing and one thing alone. Wiley is funny. Lisa does not disagree and simply needs to prove that B. LaBuff is either MORE funny or brings more to the table than being lovely, young, faithful, loving and giving.

Lisa opens with an example of LaBuff’s commentary that reads,

"As I was reading Lisa's name and all the initials between Lisa and Mikitarian...
I'm mental-ly [emphasis on the mental] was saying each of the names. :)"

Hmmm? Interesting…but not necessarily more funny. Had she wrote “…or something like that” at the end it may have been closer.

Emphasizing the “mental” part of the word mentally is like emphasizing the “car” in the word “cars”. Removing the suffix isn’t necessary and definitely doesn’t help LaBuff’s cause in this particular challenge. Back to zero.

However, I will acknowledge the reason Lisa used the above statement was not to address “funniness”, but rather to try and prove something about LaBuff that wasn’t proven to be true about Wiley. That being, LaBuff has a good memory. But, Wiley was never proven to be lacking memory and, as Maddie rightfully argued, it is only implied with Labuff. Therefore, we minus one point for wasting our time.

Lisa then takes a personal shot at Maddie, which although very amusing...and intriguing, does fail to address the issue at hand and forces me to take away another point.

On my score sheet, it’s all tied up. Minus 2 to Minus 2. I have a gut feeling that Lisa knew it was close, because it is here that she brings out what she herself calls the “most persuasive piece of evidence”.

Lisa goes on to describe a LaBuff that has seemingly worked her Buff off on behalf of “the readers AND (Lisa & Maddie).”

That sound you hear is Maddie/Wiley taking an uppercut…flush to the jaw!

Then, Lisa reveals this gem from LaBuff,

"Lisa, have you ever thought of being Li-Mik (kind of a J-Lo type thing? :)"

OOOOH! A wicked left-cross. Don’t even bother counting to ten. Maddie/Wiley isn’t getting up.

MADDIE (A. Wiley) -2
LISA (B. LaBuff) 0

The final score isn’t pretty, but there is a clear winner.  And if my 1000+ words mean anything at all,

Welcome to the club…B. LaBuff!
(unless all this work only equals one measly vote...then too bad for you)

No offense to A. Wiley but, as hard as this is to say, Team Maddie dropped the ball on this one. She made Lisa try on the glove…and it didn’t fit.

Wiley, you may be a very deserving candidate (and probably are), but you might want to consider representing yourself next time.

*You could check out the entire debate HERE…but why? I just summarized it for you?  Unless you just wanna get connected with Connecting Now...which isn't such a bad idea.

Have a good one,
Timmy

P.S.  I'm still wearing the Team Maddie T-Shirt.

CLICK FOR MORE

Friday, October 15, 2010

Talking Turkey! (Repost)

*If you have a favourite post from the vault, let me know in the comments and I'll resurrect it on a future Flashback Friday*

In honour of the Thanksgiving theme this week, I'm reposting my memories from last years Thanksgiving.  I love turkey!

Talking Turkey!
Original Post Date:
Oct. 13, 2009

What a great weekend!

I have just arrived home after spending a fantastic three days, hanging out with family, up near Huntsville, Ontario. And, believe me, once the Fall season has begun, I can't think of a better place to be than in the heart of the Muskokas. It has that refreshingly crisp chill in the air and, of course, the spectacular changing leaves that, by this time, have adorned the hillsides with every colour of the majestic rainbow...except for blue...and indigo.

Okay, so the trees are only covered with five of the seven colours of the rainbow. Which, on second thought, isn't that impressive. I mean, that's only 71.43% of the rainbow's colours. In Canada, 71% is good for a B-minus. With a mark like that, the supposed, "stunning beauty" of Autumn is really, nothing more than, the provincial standard...with much room for improvement.

But, really, who am I to criticise nature for a B-minus. I stopped getting 71's in grade 10. Then again, I'm not comparing nature to me. With this information, I now declare the "Leaves in Fall versus Rainbow" debate, officially...over! Rainbow wins.

Now, I'm not here to talk about something so frivolous as "leaves". I'm here to talk...Turkey! That's right. Turkey! So, let's talk turkey about turkey!

And, if you don't know what the phrase "talk turkey" means...look it up. I'm not about to define everything I write...which means that I'm not going to tell you what things mean.

Now, please understand, when I say we're going to talk about turkey, I'm not talking, "Three strikes in a row" Turkey, or "Failed theatrical production" Turkey. No. I'm talking "Gobble gobble" Turkey. I'm talking that "Quirky little bird that is so yummy in my tummy" Turkey. That's the turkey I'm talking about!

But, when I'm talking about that turkey, I'm not talking, "Vacuum sealed-preservative laden-sliced" Turkey. No. When I'm talking about that Turkey, I'm talking "Gravy-stuffing-mashed potatoes-buttered rolls-cranberry sauce-corn on the cob" Turkey. That's the turkey I'm talking about!

I'm talking "Turkey". "Big time turkey dinner with all the fixings" Turkey! Mmmm Hmmm!


So, this being Thanksgiving (in Canada), it was obviously a very special weekend. But not simply because I had Turkey, but because it marked the first of what will be, at least, four turkey dinners over the span of 83 days. That's right. Four turkey dinners! At least! That is a one turkey dinner every 21 days...every 504 hours...every 30240 minutes. That is awesome!

I just had my October turkey dinner, next I'll be having one in November, with another one in December and then...even one in January! That is four straight months of Turkey! And, seeing as February to September is lacking such a glorious treat, I am now entering "Turkey Time", which is, nothing less than, "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!"

Now, being as this weekend was Thanksgiving, I didn't want to just focus on Turkey. I really do want to take a moment to share with you, the things that I am most thankful for...other than Turkey. So,

I am thankful that I am Canadian. It is truly an honour to be a citizen of this great country that celebrates Thanksgiving...with turkey dinners! October Turkey!!!

I am thankful that my mother is American. Each year, her heritage has enabled me to be double thankful as I celebrate the U.S. Thanksgiving...with all the fixings! November Turkey!!!

I am thankful for Christmas...a time to give generously to those we love, and then gather around the table for...December Turkey!!!

And lastly, I am thankful for each new year that dawns. The hope that lies ahead and...the turkey that lies on our New Years Day dinner table! January Turkey!!!

I would like to close with these immortal words from Mr. Carlson of WKRP in Cincinnati:
"As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly."

Hope you had a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Have a good one,
Timmy

*If you have a favourite post from the vault, let me know in the comments and I'll resurrect it on a future Flashback Friday*

Thursday, October 14, 2010

He's Thankful. He's Thankful Not. Part II

THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

NOW AVAILABLE!
“INSIDE TIMMY’S MIND”…THE BOOK.
Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE

READ ABOUT THE BOOK HERE

TIMMY’S MIND IS:
A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

"As God is my witness..."


My VLOG will return next week, but in keeping with this week's Canadian Thanksgiving theme, I couldn't resist posting this:

It's by far the funniest Thanksgiving moment in TV history.  A classic! 

"AS GOD IS MY WITNESS..." - Mr. Carlson




CLICK ON THE IMAGE TO WATCH THE FULL VERSION:
Have a good one,
Timmy
CLICK FOR MORE

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

He's Thankful. He's Thankful Not. Part I


THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

NOW AVAILABLE!
“INSIDE TIMMY’S MIND”…THE BOOK.
Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE

READ ABOUT THE BOOK HERE

TIMMY’S MIND IS:
A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Meet Nanny Goats in Panties


Each week, I'll be taking some time to introduce you to a blog I find interesting, funny or absurd. Although the content you will be exposed to won't be coming directly from my mind, it will definitely be something my mind loves. So, if you enjoy my mind...you'll enjoy these friends.
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I recently hooked up with a little site called, NetworkedBlogs.

Now, I realize the term "hooking up" has come to imply things that I am no way suggesting – nor would even be possible with a blog – but I am from a different generation and am using the term in the most innocent light.

As part of my continual quest to discover people who make me laugh (or at least smirk), I decided to peruse the “Topics” at NetworkedBlogs in hopes that it would lead me to that end.

Scrolling down, I came across two words: “Humor” and “Humour”.

I chose the latter. After all, if they can’t spell humour properly (read “Canadian”), then how funny can they be?

I would have started at the first one, but I don’t read Greek very well. So, I moved down to number two.

I immediately noticed that this particular blog was tagged with the words, "humour"…AND "humor". Hmmm. Is the author confused (“U” or not “U”, that is the question) or cowardly (just take a stand, would you)?

Both were obvious reasons to move on, but I couldn’t. I was paralyzed. I said, in my Captain Kirk voice, to no one in particular, “I…must…read…this…blog.”

The title was drawing me in like a tractor beam.


Be honest. You wouldn’t have moved on either.

So, I clicked on the link, hoping beyond hope that I wasn’t about to stumble upon some very inappropriate farming images.

With my head turned slightly, eyes half-open and mouse cursor ready to close the page in a millisecond – if needed - I read the following title,

Mayo vs. Miracle Whip. What say you?

Jackpot! We have a winner!

Even though raising a debate between Mayo & Miracle Whip is nothing but a distraction from real problems in our world – like Cheese Whiz – you gotta like any blog that dips into the arena of sandwich spreads!

But was this a one-hit wonder?

I went into the archives to find out, and didn’t have to dig too deep to discover this was, in fact, the real deal.

NGIP (which is short for Nanny Goats in Panties and pronounced NGIP) is the home to some very witty and creative stuff as well as Lacy, an actually little goat – albeit stuffed – with adorable pink panties.

The author, Margaret Andrews, is a “huge baseball fan”, “lyrically challenged” and has an “overabundance of cynicism”. She’s basically me…except female, living in Sacramento and has a lot more followers.

I’m convinced that Nanny Goats in Panties will certainly accomplish its goal for, “Eliminating All Hope for World Peace. One Post at a Time.”

I am a fan of Nanny Goats in Panties. But if, after all I just wrote, you’re still not sold…then let Margaret’s own words, regarding a confrontation with an overzealous security guard, bring you over to the dark side.

I got all Zsa Zsa Gabor on him and slapped like I was swimming the 100-meter dash.

Beautiful.

I never thought I’d utter these words but…Check out Nanny Goats in Panties www.nannygoatsinpanties.com 

You can start at MY FAVOURITE post HERE.  You won't be disappointed.

Have a good one,
Timmy
CLICK FOR MORE

Friday, October 8, 2010

Confessions of a Sick Man - as in "ill" not "deranged" (Repost)

THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

NOW AVAILABLE!
“INSIDE TIMMY’S MIND”…THE BOOK.
Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE

READ ABOUT THE BOOK HERE

TIMMY’S MIND IS:
A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Happy Birthday H

My wife (we’ll call her H) is a very special woman.

Now, you might be wondering why I am referring to her by a simple letter. Well, my wife has requested, for privacy reasons, not to be named in these public forums. So, out of respect, I simply use H instead of Heidi.


Today, I’ve chosen to use this space in order to honour her publicly through the power of the written word. “Why today?” you ask. Well, today is a very special day for my very special wife.

Today is H’s birthday. And, if I remember correctly, her birthday fell on October 7th last year, as well.

When you’re married it is very important to remember these sorts of things. If you’re a husband, you simply can’t let certain dates pass by, un-acknowledged…especially if you want to stay married.

Dates like your Wedding Anniversary, your Wife’s Birthday and Garbage Day are at the very top of that list.

Garbage Day is usually a weekly occurrence so it’s less easy to forget. But for the others you really need to stay alert. With a whole year (or so) in between celebrations it is easy to get complacent. Although 365 days may seem like a long time, if you’re not paying attention that next big day can sneak up on you faster than Gargamel on a lost Smurf.

Now, this particular birthday is even more important than normal. Am I on the ball, or what?! Today's birthday is the big 1-0. Yep, that’s right. One. Zero. It’s hard to believe really. Where has the time gone?

If you’re thinking I married a minor, you’d be wrong. I’m not talking age. I’m saying that today H and I are celebrating Heidi’s birthday for the 10th time since we’ve been married...and I haven’t missed a single one.

Wait. Hold on. Something doesn’t feel right. Give me a second while I talk this through…

We got married in September, 2000, so we celebrated H’s birthday, for the first time, in October, 2000 (probably on the 7th) and then celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary in September, 2001 (definitely on the 1st…or 2nd). This would mean that our 2nd birthday celebration happened just after our 1st wedding anniversary…which would then make everything, at least numerically, one year apart even though it’s only one month apart.

Then, if we stagger that through the next few years, even though we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary, we’re technically in our 11th year. So, this birthday celebration is actually the 11th time we’ve celebrated H’s birthday. But, if that’s true then the big 1-0 was last year. What did we do last year? Did I miss the big 1-0? Oh…crap. Are you serious? I’ve been planning for this day for 10 years. I wanted the 10th time we celebrated H’s birthday to be simply amazing!

So what did I do last year? Maybe it was amazing? No. I think I just got her flowers ‘cause it was only the 9th birthday celebration…not the 10th...even though it was the 10th. This is not good. What do I get her now?

Well, seeing as today is the 11th time we celebrate Heidi’s (I mean H’s) birthday and not the 10th. I guess…

Flowers it is!

I’ll go all out on the 20th birthday celebration, which should happen around Oct. 7, 2020. Or is it 2011?

Let’s see…

…We got married in September, 2000…

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

This Vlog is "Sick"!


Just turn on the camera and vlog...




CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE TO TIMMY'S YOUTUBE CHANNEL


Have a good one,
Timmy
CLICK FOR MORE

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A Feverish Account

THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

NOW AVAILABLE!
“INSIDE TIMMY’S MIND”…THE BOOK.
Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE

READ ABOUT THE BOOK HERE

TIMMY’S MIND IS:
A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Meet Grace Fox

Each week, I'll be taking some time to introduce you to a blog I find interesting, funny or absurd.  Although the content you will be exposed to won't be coming directly from my mind, it will definitely be something my mind loves. So, if you enjoy my mind...you'll enjoy these friends.
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This morning, I was about to introduce you all to someone when a little note in my Facebook sidebar appeared that caused me to bump someone else to the front of the line.

Now, although I get lots of requests to “like”, “join” or “accept” things, many of them remain untouched. Call me picky, but I’m not one of those people who complies with such requests just because they are there. Infact, I’ve never climbed a mountain for that same reason.

Believe it or not, I need to actually “like” what’s being proposed in order to “like” it. However, that being said, I still have many acceptable requests that have remained un-responded to…mainly because of laziness. I’ll get to them eventually.

Anyways, this morning I "liked" something/someone and hopefully you will too.  I’m very excited to introduce an amazing writer, speaker...and friend. Please say “Hello” to

GRACE FOX


I love Grace. She and her husband Gene are amazing people and I had the immense privilege of not only working with them, but living with them…in principle.

I first met Grace, almost four years ago (ish) when she joined the Girl’s Night Out team. GNO is a traveling women’s event created by World Vision Canada, on which I was the Tour Manager.  As a result, Grace, Gene and I spent many (many) hours together…in the van, at a restaurant or pool side at the hotel. We shared countless laughs and even a few tears.

Well, today I got word that Grace is promoting her deeply inspiring book, Moving from Fear to Freedom.


So, I've decided to try and help in my own little way because I “like” it (and her) enough to do more than just “like” it…which I did, by the way.

You can “like” it here, as well: http://www.facebook.com/CSSVBT.GraceFox.MovingFromFeartoFreedom

From Grace’s website:

“Grace Fox is an author and speaker best described in three words: Daring. Deep. Devoted. Her passion is to help women develop the same characteristics – to become daring in their faith, deep in their convictions, and devoted in their relationship with Jesus Christ…Grace’s quick wit, real-life stories, and biblical insight keep her in constant demand…Everywhere she goes, she exudes a contagious desire to show how God’s truth can help women.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

If you’re a woman, then you really should connect with Grace.

If you’re NOT a woman, then you really should connect the woman in your life to Grace.

And, if the whole “Jesus” connection makes you leery, understand this:

Grace may be passionate about her faith, but she isn’t judgemental. Grace is not only her name…it’s her lifestyle. I’m sure the AIDS-afflicted outcasts (modern day “lepers”) in Eastern Europe, with whom she has worked extensively, would attest to that.

VISIT Grace Fox at her blog: http://www.gracefox.com/blog
and be sure and tell her that TBoy sent you. Enjoy.

Grace if ever read this, “Give Gene a big hug for me. Love ya both!”

Have a good one,
Timmy

*If you have an amusing or interesting blog that you think could be highlighted on Mix & Mingle Monday send me an email (timmyboyle AT upstandingcomedy.ca)*

CLICK FOR MORE

Friday, October 1, 2010

Orange - A Shift in the Life of a Hall Monitor (Repost)

THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

NOW AVAILABLE!
“INSIDE TIMMY’S MIND”…THE BOOK.
Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE

READ ABOUT THE BOOK HERE

TIMMY’S MIND IS:
A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

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