Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Fun AND Lucrative! Call me.

I love my job. It’s a fun job.

However, I recently came across a Yahoo article titled, "Where have all the fun jobs gone?" and discovered a list of eight occupations that are fun AND lucrative (which is probably why “Comedian” wasn’t on it).

After reading it over, I quickly realized that I could easily do each of those jobs on a contract basis and thereby increase my fun level eight-fold and my lucrativity...sixteen-fold (at least).

So, apart from contacting me for comedy/emcee work, I now offer the following services:


#1 Graphic Designer

If it’s graphic...I can design it. Here is a recent project:


Design Packages 
Basic: Any number of 2-D shapes (no colour) - $25/hr
Fancy: Add colour and things other than 2-D shapes (exceptions include animals & people) - Fee $50/hr
Sick!: Add Comic Sans text - Fee $100/hr *add $25/hour for any other fonts...in Microsoft Paint.


#2 PR/Marketing Specialist

Want people to want you. Here is a basic introduction:

“(Insert Your Name Here) is awesome!
If you want awesome, then you want (Insert Your Name Here)!
How do you spell (Insert Your Name Here)? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!”

Marketing Packages
Basic: I’ll yell the above intro from my roof - $25/yell (5 max) *add $25 during rush hour.
Print: 50 business cards handed out while I'm shopping - $50/set of 50 *add $25 to use card stock.
Interweb: I’ll put the above intro in my Facebook status. $100/day (weekly max) *Add $25 for Twitter.

Note:  Insert your name into the appropriate spots for $25 - applies to all packages.


#3 Forensic Accountant

I don’t know what a Forensic Accountant is, but it probably needs a math expert.

Math Resume:
- A+ Grades 1-9
- "Gifted" Class: Grade 10
- can recite times tables in a reasonable time frame (up to 12’s, but excluding 9’s)
- know BEDMAS
- proficient with a ruler (cm’s and inches)
- haven’t needed a 1-100 counting chart for over 15 years.

Accounting Packages
Basic: Addition and Subtraction up to 2-digits - Fee $25/hr
General: Multiplication and Division up to 2-digits - Fee $50/hr
Advanced: All other math related problems - Fee $100/hour *add $25/hr if it includes multiplying by 9’s.


#4 Chef

Cheffery is not what I do. It’s who I am.  Here is one of my secret ingredients:


Chef Packages
Basic: "Loopy Fruity" Special - Fee: $25/bowl (incl. bowl & spoon) *add $25 for milk.
Sous-Chef: "Grilled Cheesiness" - Fee $50/sandwich *add $25 if you want cheese on it.
Top Chef: "KD Delight" - Fee $25/box (3 max) *add $25 for extra creamy and/or hot dog chunks.


#5 Event Planner

Where there is no plan...there is no event.  Here is my award-winning Event Schedule:

5:45 Doors Open
6:15 Greetings
6:15 Pre-Entertainment
6:45 Main Event – Part I
7:45 Intermission
8:00 Main Event – Part II
9:00 Goodnight

Event Packages
Basic: Order the following schedule “as is” - Fee $24.95 (plus shipping) *add $25 for downloadable PDF.
Flexible: Re-arrange the order of events - Fee $50/hr (min. 3 hrs)
Alternative: Add/remove any one element - Fee $100 *add $25 for each additional alteration.
Specific: Include a "specific” in any one element - Fee $995.95 *add $25 for each additional “specific”.

Note: I’ll probably hire someone to work on any orders of Package #4.


#6 Interior Designer

Here’s a freebie:

Sets of three (or five). Complimentary colours. No shag.  You're welcome.


#7 Video Game Designer

I still own Pac Man.  Need I say more.  Here's a screen shot of my latest idea:

"PING"
*Name and image protected under copyright...when I get around to doing it.

I only have this one idea. If you want it, make me an offer.  Please understand the video game market is VERY lucrative, so don’t insult me with anything less than $1,000,000.

Well there you have it.  I look forward to doing business with you.

Have a good one,
Timmy

NOTE:  At the begining I mentioned there were eight jobs and then only listed seven.  If you noticed that one was missing maybe you can be a Forensic Accountant too.

(The missing job was Massage Therapist.  I left it out because you can't provide therapy for a massage.  It must be a mis-print.)

7 comments:

  1. That's the most A-W-E-S-O-M-E smiley face I've EVER seen:).

    ReplyDelete
  2. Here is how you multiply with 9s. Look at your hands. Lets say you are multiplying 4 by 9. You put your 4th finger down. The fingers to the left is the tenths place and the fingers to the right is the ones.

    So 4 x 9, put your 4th finger down, 3 to the left, 6 to the right = 36. It's pretty legit.

    ReplyDelete
  3. THAT IS COOL! Not better than my smiley face...but very cool! I've been moving my fingers for the last five minutes and am astounded each time it works.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm stuck on forensic accountant. I may have to google it...
    -FringeGirl

    ReplyDelete
  5. Fringe Girl, let me know what you discover.

    ReplyDelete

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