Friday, October 29, 2010

Halloween Cheer; Christmas Fear (Repost)

*If you have a favourite post from the vault, let me know in the comments and I'll resurrect it on a future Flashback Friday*

In keeping with the season, I'm resurrecting this rant from a Halloween past.  It includes one of my favourite one-liners ever.  If you think you know which one it is, leave me a comment.  Enjoy!

Halloween Cheer; Christmas Fear
Original Post Date:
Oct. 30, 2009

I was out shopping earlier this week. Well, maybe "shopping" is a bad choice of words, because I wasn't planning to purchase anything...

So, I was out looking in stores earlier this week. No...I don't think "looking" is right either, because there wasn't anything that I was seeking out in particular...

Earlier this week, I was blindly following my wife through a variety of stores. Ya...That's better.

Anyways, while on the journey, I had to navigate through aisle after aisle after aisle of Halloween merchandise. Not surprising, of course. 'Tis the season.

Admittedly, I am not a big fan of this particular holiday. I wouldn't describe myself as a Halloween Scrooge, or anything; I just don't go out of my way to acknowledge it's existence.

For me, death, blood and gore have never been overly appealing. Now, I know it's not all dark, for there will be many bunnies, Transformers and lil' Taylor Swifts walking the streets. However, the cute will still be severely outnumbered by the demons, zombies and lil' Robert Pattinsons...creepy!

Also, it's not like Halloween has a whole lot to offer me. I mean, I can get my hands on candy whenever I please and I play "dress-up", more than enough, over a calendar year, to get my fill.

So, as I weaved through the crowd - trying to keep up with my wife - it should really be no surprise that I wasn't paying attention to the ghoulish masks, pumpkin lanterns and tomb stones, which had witty sayings like..."RIP" (not that witty).

But, at one point, I stopped "dead in my tracks" - which is a very appropriate phrase, I figure.

My jaw dropped. A cloud of dread and fear came over me. I was paralyzed. I even tried calling out to Heidi, who had continued on without me, but I couldn't utter a sound. I had never felt so... trapped.

It was the most horrifying sight - and I'm not talking about the XXXL French Maid costume...which was certainly very disturbing, as well.

No. Down the next aisle was...

was...

was...

Christmas decorations.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jeepers Creepers. It was only Oct. 26th. What are these people thinking! Can't we at least get THROUGH one holiday before moving on to the next.

It's getting crazy! Like, stupid crazy.

I mean, do we really need two full months to prepare for Christmas...or any other holiday for that matter.

It was bad enough that, in the past, garland and fruit cake started to surface on November, 1. At least, Halloween was over. But now, stores are selling fake snow almost a week BEFORE Halloween.

On the 61st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...61 skeletons a dancin'

The end is near, folks. Take that big rubber knife, from aisle four, and drive it deep into my fake heart, from aisle three.

For the next few minutes, I stumbled around like a zombie, in complete disbelief. As much as I like Santa, and all, I cringed more at the sight of that jolly ol' elf than I did the creepy man with the loose eyeball.

And now, I fear the very thought of entering a mall on Dec. 14th, with Carols blaring, and having to navigate aisles brimming with gifts for...Valentines Day!

If that happens, be assured that there will be no love flowing from me. Christmas cheer...yes. Love...No.

Maybe the stores should just stock their shelves for every holiday, 12-months a year. Ghosts, reindeer and Cupid, oh my!

Or, maybe they should just merge them into one big holiday. All day, every day: "Happy Consumerism!"

Someone please stop this holiday madness! It's making me so sick, I just dropped a rubber puddle of vomit on the floor.

Have a good one,
Timmy

*If you have a favourite post from the vault, let me know in the comments and I'll resurrect it on a future Flashback Friday*

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2 comments:

  1. Nicely done Timmy! There were a few candidates, but I'm going with this one..."As much as I like Santa, and all, I cringed more at the sight of that jolly ol' elf than I did the creepy man with the loose eyeball".

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ok, the XXXL French Maid costume comment made me laugh out loud. I'll have to have my husband read this. He'll appreciate it!

    -FringeGirl

    ReplyDelete

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