I don’t need a whole lot and could easily get by with my baseball glove, a video camera and a pair of wool socks. In fact, I’ve actually done it…and I’m praying that video doesn’t make it online.
Despite my simplicity, I do understand things tend to accumulate over time. With the passing of days comes the piling of stuff. Most of the increase can be blamed on four things:
1. Holidays like birthdays and Christmas.
2. The wear & tear of daily life.
3. The complete and utter inability to throw things away.
4. The Dollar Store.
I say, give hugs not stuff, build indestructible underwear and sell everything for $25 or more and shows like “Hoarders” would never see the light of day.
However, I’m not here to preach a life where all my belongings fit into a single shopping cart or even that “collections” are of the devil - although the collecting of Edward Cullen paraphernalia may be slightly sinister. I’m just saying…some things get out of hand.
I have SIX pairs of shoes to my name – and by shoes I mean any foot wear that are “non-socks”. Here is what takes up space in my closet:
2. Summer Flip Flops
3. Every Day Runners
4. “Muddy” Runners
5. Dress Shoes
6. Performance Shoes
Now, considering the various seasons and situations I come across, I don’t feel owning six pairs is unreasonable at all.
What I can’t seem to grasp is how this happens:
Those are ALL the “shoes” that reside in the hallway closet, on the hallway floor and up the hallway stairs. We could play the “Jelly Bean in the Jar” guessing game or I could just tell you there are 73 pairs. Actually, 74…’cause I’m assuming Heidi is presently wearing shoes at work.
Seventy-four pairs of “shoes”! That is outrageous verging on insane.
Now, I realize I have a family of five but let’s take a second to do some basic reasoning...and math.
A simple basic person owns six pairs of “shoes”. Then we add two pairs for the less simple and double that total for women. With my reality and those assumptions in play here is what one could expect the Boyle household to look like:
Timmy (simple male): 6 pairs
Heidi (not simple female): 16 pairs
Jade (not simple female): 16 pairs
Aliyah (not simple female): 16 pairs
Connor (simple male): 6 pairs
Please note it is only a coincidence that the "simple-not simple" split happens to be divided by gender...or is it?
Anyways, a fairly reasonable total pairs for my family would be...60. That's right. SIX. ZERO.
It is STILL absurdly high...because I don’t actually condone the doubling equation for women but am begrudgingly accepting it as an unalterable truth in our world.
I am shoe-shocked!
Not only are we 14 pairs over an already very-very generous shoe margin, but my tiny hallway only has a 175 shoe capacity (200 shoes with no walking space). That is “shoes” not “pairs”, so clearly we are on the verge of some serious sh…oe.
I see three options:
1. Get rid of some shoes.
2. Get rid of the women.
3. Amputate some feet.
A family meeting has been called.
I’m leaning towards option #1, but knowing my women…they won’t want to leave or get rid of their shoes. So, I guess it’s about to get messy.
Have a good one,
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