Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Shoo Shoes!

I’m a pretty simple man (insert not so witty but appropriate shots at my intellect here).

I don’t need a whole lot and could easily get by with my baseball glove, a video camera and a pair of wool socks. In fact, I’ve actually done it…and I’m praying that video doesn’t make it online.

Despite my simplicity, I do understand things tend to accumulate over time. With the passing of days comes the piling of stuff.  Most of the increase can be blamed on four things:

1. Holidays like birthdays and Christmas.
2. The wear & tear of daily life.
3. The complete and utter inability to throw things away.
4. The Dollar Store.

I say, give hugs not stuff, build indestructible underwear and sell everything for $25 or more and shows like “Hoarders” would never see the light of day.

However, I’m not here to preach a life where all my belongings fit into a single shopping cart or even that “collections” are of the devil - although the collecting of Edward Cullen paraphernalia may be slightly sinister. I’m just saying…some things get out of hand.

Like shoes.

I have SIX pairs of shoes to my name – and by shoes I mean any foot wear that are “non-socks”. Here is what takes up space in my closet:

1. Winter Boots

2. Summer Flip Flops

3. Every Day Runners

4. “Muddy” Runners

5. Dress Shoes

6. Performance Shoes

Now, considering the various seasons and situations I come across, I don’t feel owning six pairs is unreasonable at all.

What I can’t seem to grasp is how this happens:


Those are ALL the “shoes” that reside in the hallway closet, on the hallway floor and up the hallway stairs. We could play the “Jelly Bean in the Jar” guessing game or I could just tell you there are 73 pairs. Actually, 74…’cause I’m assuming Heidi is presently wearing shoes at work.

Seventy-four pairs of “shoes”! That is outrageous verging on insane.

Now, I realize I have a family of five but let’s take a second to do some basic reasoning...and math.

A simple basic person owns six pairs of “shoes”. Then we add two pairs for the less simple and double that total for women. With my reality and those assumptions in play here is what one could expect the Boyle household to look like:

Timmy (simple male): 6 pairs
Heidi (not simple female): 16 pairs
Jade (not simple female): 16 pairs
Aliyah (not simple female): 16 pairs
Connor (simple male): 6 pairs

Please note it is only a coincidence that the "simple-not simple" split happens to be divided by gender...or is it?

Anyways, a fairly reasonable total pairs for my family would be...60. That's right. SIX. ZERO.

It is STILL absurdly high...because I don’t actually condone the doubling equation for women but am begrudgingly accepting it as an unalterable truth in our world.

I am shoe-shocked!

Not only are we 14 pairs over an already very-very generous shoe margin, but my tiny hallway only has a 175 shoe capacity (200 shoes with no walking space). That is “shoes” not “pairs”, so clearly we are on the verge of some serious sh…oe.

I see three options:

1. Get rid of some shoes.
2. Get rid of the women.
3. Amputate some feet.

A family meeting has been called.

I’m leaning towards option #1, but knowing my women…they won’t want to leave or get rid of their shoes. So, I guess it’s about to get messy.

Have a good one,



  1. look on the bright side - your peeps only have 2 legs per person - our BEBs have four legs and all four feet have to go through a bath every so often. So. . . it could be worse . . . just trying to get you to look on the sunny side - and don't listen to Pessimus Prime.

  2. You don't have slippers? Or are your slippers slipper socks?
    Let's just say we're under count here. And if you're doing the amputation thing, I'd start with yourself. It might go well with your comedy routine.

  3. Well RR, If I had 4 legged BEBs I wouldn't need shoes. So that sounds like a win.

    Joanne, I used to have slippers until I realized that my wool socks serve the same purpose...except for the fact that I tend to slip in them.

  4. this from a man who as a boy wouldn't - would NOT - throw away OLD, tattered, torn runners after getting his NEW runners for the season - seasons being split into summer, fall for school, winter so that the snow wouldn't override the top of a runner called HighTops and just perfect for a city kid. As Tim grew older through the teens he still held onto the OLD because they were comfortable - nothing like an OLD SHOE! Slippers were bought but they had to be Raccoons - which gave him another way to tease his sisters. Get the picture? Am I surprised there are so many shoes in a household of 5 - 2 males outnumbered by 3 females? Not at all! Love that son of mine!

  5. Your females don't have NEAR enough shoes. I feel sorry for them. I think a shopping trip is in order, then an addition to the house - a shoe-room.

  6. Thanks mom for the history lesson. You get the prize for longest comment. I still have the raccoon slippers by the way...love ya.

    Catrina, we have a shoe room. It's called "our house".


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