Friday, June 3, 2011

Not Raptured

It's time for an update.  I didn't get raptured.

I came home from touring on May 13 and would have started writing again but a series of events have kept me from picking up where I left off.

1)  May 14 - May 20: Prepared for Rapture

2)  May 21: Waited for Rapture
3)  May 22 - May 26:  Enjoyed the Rapture  
4)  May 27:  Discovered Rapture didn't actually happen
5)  May 28:  Watched UFC 130
5)  May 29:  Listed harp on Kijiji
6)  May 30:  Picked up cats
7)  May 31:  Started smoking
8)  Jun 1:  Told Rapture will still happen eventually
9)  Jun 2:  Pulled harp ad & quit smoking

Clearly, I've been busy.

Plus...this blog is still undergoing a massive overhaul.  I will be back to regularly dispensing my thoughts on the crazy world around me some time in the near future...hopefully before the world ends.

Have a  good one,
Timmy

Friday, May 6, 2011

On Tour

Hey everyone,

My blog is going through a renovation and I'm presently on tour. So, new entries aren't going to happen for the next two weeks. Feel free to check out the archives for a good laugh or two.

If you are interested in finding out what's happening while I'm on the road, you can check out my FB Page (The Real Timmy Boyle) or follow me on Twitter (@timmybits).

Have a good one,
Timmy.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

10 Reasons I Should Be Invited To The Royal Wedding...with Joss Stone

We are two days away from the greatest wedding in the history of the entire world!

That’s right. You heard me.

GREATEST wedding in the HISTORY of the ENTIRE world!

So, with it being such an epic occasion, I certainly understand why some people are quite upset about not being invited.

Take singer, songwriter Lily Allen for one.

I mean, she sang at the 2007 Memorial Concert for Diana (mother of the groom and best princess ever) AND…she’s English.

Slam dunk, you say?

Nope.

To add insult to injury, Miss Allen’s “rival”, Joss Stone (who also sang at the concert…and is English), has been granted a golden ticket to sit within earshot of the historic vows.

Is anyone surprised Lily went ballistic over the apparent snub? Not me.

If I had sung at that concert and was English and hadn’t been invited to this monumental ceremony…but my nemesis had…well, I’d have spit out of my tea, thrown a scone or two, burned my “Prince William” calendars and unleashed an anger fuelled rant longer than the British Monarchy blood-line.

How do I know?

Because, even though I didn’t sing (let alone the attend) the concert, I’m not English (in the “From England” way) and, as far as I know, my rival (Taylor Swift) isn’t going…I responded in similar fashion a few days ago.

You see, after 18 consecutive nights of sleeping beside our mailbox, it finally sunk in. I wasn’t getting an invite to the Royal Wedding.

Once the paralyzing sorrow passed, I refused to roll up the rim on my Tim Horton’s hot chocolate cup, threw a Nanaimo Bar to the ground, burned my “Artist formerly known as Prince” calendars and unleashed an anger fuelled rant longer than the list of Canadians in the Hockey Hall of Fame.

It wasn’t pretty.

I really wanted to go.

But, rather than sulk about it...I’ve decided to be proactive. It may be too little too late, and I could still end up watching the ceremony on TV (curled up in my Princess Kate PJ’s) but I’m not going down without a fight.

So, for anyone who cares…here’s my final plea:

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TIMMY
(who is a better singer than Joss Stone & more English than you know)
SHOULD BE INVITED TO
THE ROYAL WEDDING OF KATE AND…THAT GUY.

1. I have the same last name as Susan Boyle.
2. I ABSOLUTELY PROMISE never to refer to Kate as HRH (Her Royal Hotness)...around William.
3. I’ve watched Spice World over 20 times. Posh rules!...under the Queen, of course.
4. I once saw David Beckham kick a soccer ball in a YouTube clip…at least I think it was him.
5. I’d emcee the reception for a box of scones and a picture with Kate.
6. I prefer tea over coffee. Me and Earl Grey are buddies.
7. I dropped French classes as soon as the opportunity presented itself.
8. I’ve read the palace rulebook from cover to cover…and apply them in my home.
9. I know most of the lyrics to Candle in the Wind…and can almost hum the entire chorus.
10. I don’t like Lily Allen, either.


I'll book my flight...

Have a good one,
Timmy



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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Saved from an AWESOME mistake!

Whew! That was close.

Let me start by saying, I’m so thankful for people like Margaret Andrews - the wonderfully creative and supernaturally insightful author of Nanny Goats in Panties. Not only does her blog often make me laugh, but yesterday she single-handedly saved me from making the biggest mistake of my virtual life!

You see, in a desperate attempt to more effectively establish my online identity, I dedicated many waking (and sometime sleeping) hours to the intense study of Twitter bios. Noting everything of significance, I eventually compiled enough data to fill 14 notebooks. After transferring the information into an Excel spreadsheet…patterns quickly emerged.

My bio was clearly lacking…in style and substance. There’s no way so many people could be wrong. I realized I had to change or risk being lost in the crowd…as millions of other self promoters marched boldly passed (and over) me.

Brimming with excitement, I began crafting my new...and exponentially more effective, bio.

The most common theme among the online experts was...personal "Awesomeness". It is near impossible to explain awesomeness in 140 characters or less. In fact, I don’t think you can even write “awesomeness” in 140 characters. Well…you could, but you’d have to leave out a lot of very necessary exclamation points.

Now, even though others had attempted it…I wasn’t about to cram my awesomeness.

So, I started my bio like this…

"Hey, I’m Timmy…but you can call me Awesome."


The link would then lead them to my more complete bio…

"I used to be “working for the man” just like you…but, not anymore. I’m an Entrepreneur…with a capital E (which you’ll notice I actually used in the word “Entrepreneur”…because I believe it!). Now, you might find this a little hard to grasp but…I love sports, sex and fart jokes. That’s right. I’m not your regular, run-of- the-mill man. With my incredibly perfect wife (and BFF) – who cooks, cleans & looks like a swimsuit model 24-7 - at my side, I have managed to fulfill so many personal dreams…I simply can’t dream fast enough! In fact, I think I’ve already lived the life of three men! Crazy, eh? How do I keep sane while riding this freakingly crazy ride called life? By pashunately sharing the pashun of pashuns which we are so incredibly pashunate about. My goal (or pashun if you will) is to help you and the rest of the world - who pretty much suck at life - personally experience the awesomeness you deserve…but has evaded you. Believe it or not…it is possible for you to be almost as awesome as me. So, do yourself a favour and connect with me. I not only have the answers…I am the answer. BTW…I’m also awesome at, and pashunate about, marketing. Develop your unique brand by checking out my “Marketing Tips from a Marketing Maven, Strategist & Guru" Fan Page. Peace out, Brethren."

Moments away from posting this, I read Margaret’s words:  *Check 'em out: HERE

Apparently, the majority isn’t always right.

Thanks Margaret…for stopping me from looking foolish!


Have a good one,
Timmy

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Thursday, April 7, 2011

"Yoga"...and Seven Other Awesome "YO-" Words

There was a time when I thought Yoga was only for women…and men who couldn’t quite figure out how to throw properly.

But then…I attempted this:

That’s my cousin, Amy. My attempt looked more like this:


Anyways, I’ve come along way and have actually become a pro-yogaer even though I’m not yet a pro-yogaer…if you know what I mean.

Recently, while stuck in the Downward Dog pose...


...I began to wonder about my previously distorted, and quite illogical, view of Yoga. After all, why would I consider Yoga to be wishy-washy when almost every other thing that starts with “YO-” ends up representing some awesome human quality.


SEVEN AWESOME “WORDS” THAT START WITH “YO”...other than yoga.


1. Yo Yo Ma = Excellence

Gather the top people in any field in the history of the world - Michael Jordan, Socrates, Picasso, Einstein…Snooki – and tell me this world-class Cellist doesn’t stack up favourably. Okay, he’s no Snooki, but he clearly belongs in the group as a whole.


2. Yo Yo = Child-Like Enthusiasm

Sure the Yo-Yo isn’t easy to master, but it’s the ultimate symbol of simple fun. It spins. It bounces. It flies. It rocks. It jumps. It loops. And…if you do it just right, you can fling it within inches of your friends nose.


3. “Yo Mama” = Competitive Spirit

“Talkin’ Smack” has been around from the beginning of time. Ever since Cain told Abel he was the biggest vegetable in the garden, every physical battle of note has been accompanied by a solid war of words. And, “Yo Mama”…is the mother of them all. Game on!


4. “Yo Ho Ho…and a Bottle of Rum” = Entrepreneurship

Who doesn’t want to be a pirate? These brave souls, following their dreams, shunned the 9-5 business world and set off to do what they loved. The peg legs and eye patches are testament to the fact it is not easy being your own boss but, by all accounts, most of these guys turned a very hefty profit. Good on them.


5. Yoda = Wisdom

Yoga sounds like Yoda (except with a “d” sound instead of a “g” sound) and Yoda sounds like every philosopher the world has ever produced. Sure, he may have one wicked problem with Grammar but once you’re able to navigate his topsy-turvy speech impediment you’ll see wisdom beyond his 900 years.


6. Yogi Bear = Overcoming Obstacles

Despite being raised in the woods among “average” bears, he would not let his environment define his identity…or his future. While other bears were tipping garbage bins, Yogi created elaborate, multi-“pic-a-nic” basket, stealing rigs. A common thief? Yes. A common bear? No. He was smarter than that.


7. Yogurt = Creamy Goodness

Okay. Creamy Goodness may not be a “character quality”…but who doesn’t like yogurt? It’s healthy. It flows. It’s Yoga in a container…without the cramping.


Yo! That’s an impressive list.

So, while I go stand like a tree, would you be so kind as to vote for my cousin in a contest? She’s nothing short of impressive. Much appreciated.

CLICK PIC TO VOTE!
Have a good one,
Timmy

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Tweeting with the Stars!


Today, I respond to some tweets from a few of my favourite celebrity Twits...Enjoy.  Britney is a sweetheart.





Have a good one,
Timmy

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Five Things I'll NEVER Say...Ever...In a Million Billion Years

THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

NOW AVAILABLE!
“INSIDE TIMMY’S MIND”…THE BOOK.
Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE

READ ABOUT THE BOOK HERE

TIMMY’S MIND IS:
A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Friday, April 1, 2011

How to: Be Captain America!

A few days ago I stumbled across the following link:

“How to: Make a Captain America Shield From a Satellite Dish.” *link at bottom of post

That is so…

…AWESOME!

I mean really…who doesn’t want a Captain America shield? My only assumption is dead people. But I bet if you asked them…even they’d want one.

However, I will admit my excitement was short lived as the sceptic inside me quickly began to ask questions.

“Is this just another one of those porn links, or worse…some kind of sick twisted joke?”

Sure, it’s one thing to innocently title a link, “How to: Make a Wonder Woman.” only to shock millions of Fanboys with not so innocent images, but seriously…don’t be promising people they can have Captain America’s shield only to pull the carpet out from under them. That’s plain wrong.

Anyways, with my eyes partially closed and the cursor arrow primed to close the window in a moments notice…I opened the link.

And…

There he was.

Captain America…fully clothed.

Overcome with relief, I settled in to read how I could make a Captain America shield from a satellite dish.

The pictures looked cool and the process seemed surprisingly easy. In fact, the article described the plan as being something “just about anyone with enough time to complete this task could figure it out.”

Well, being the pure personification of “anyone with enough time”, I was clearly equipped for embarking on the most amazing craft project since making those felt covered cornucopia ornaments back in Grade 3. Mine were, as the kids say…epic!

Except back then “Mr. Crafty’s Bin of Craft Supplies” had everything I needed to accomplish the task. Not so today.

But, was I going to let a little obstacle like not having a satellite dish stop me from making a Captain America shield out of a satellite dish? Heck no.

And neither would Captain America. In fact, I asked myself, “What would Captain America do?”

Would Captain America quit? No.

Would Captain America throw a suicidal tantrum because his plan seemingly failed? Double No.

Well, I am not a quitter by any stretch of the imagination…unless you define “quitting” as, “stopping something before you finish because it seemed too hard”. And I’m certainly not one to emotionally snap at the slightest sign of disappointment.

So, with a steadfast determination to overcome this…quote…obstacle…unquote, I picked myself off the floor, wiped my tears, tore up the note and slipped the knife slowly back into the drawer.

It was there - while sweeping up the remains of a vase I had broken during my arm flailing rant at the gods for hating me - I realized...if I wanted a Captain America shield, I could have a Captain America shield!

Although the letter of the law stated, “satellite dish”…the spirit of the law stated, “be creative!” So, jacked up like the Energizer Bunny on Duracell, I ran over to my recycling bin.

A few hours later, I not only had my Captain America shield…

I WAS Captain America!


Have a good one,
Timmy

Go To BitRebels.com: How to Make a Captain America Shield from a Satellite Dish

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Friday, March 25, 2011

The Tour That Started My Career...

Tomorrow is a big day in Timmy’s little world.

I can’t call it my television debut. That was January 12, 2007, when I was highlighted in an Entertainment Tonight Canada segment.


In fact, if you tune in to CTS TOMORROW (Sat. Mar. 26) at 10:30pm (Ont.) you’ll be able to hear a little bit about that experience.

You see, four years ago, not long after I attempted to become the lone male in a female dominated television role, I was asked to road manage a cross-Canada tour called, “Leland Klassen’s Comedy Tournament”.


Little did I know that experience would end up becoming the launching pad for my stand-up comedy career.

So, where does TV come into all this?

Well Leland’s three-fold vision was this (in my words):

One: To create a travelling coliseum in which to pit aspiring comics against each other, for the amusement of others.

Two: To mentor, encourage and raise up a new generation of clean comedians.

Three: To document the entire experience – onstage, backstage & offstage – and present it to the world as a reality show.

This, of course, meant having two camera men looking over our shoulders almost 24-7, gathering footage that would eventually be compiled into the 13 episodes that are now…finally…going to air!

27 Rookies – 20 Cities – 6 Finalists – 2 Cameras – 1 Manager – 1 Veteran and eventually…1 Grand Champion.

Did you see, “1 Manager”? That’s me.

Did you see, “Grand Champion”? That’s…I can’t tell you.

What I can tell you is…heading into the tour I wasn’t exactly sure what it would entail and I definitely wasn’t aware of the crucial role it would end up playing in my future.

I had met Leland a few times at other events I had managed, but we didn’t know each other well. I’m not even sure I knew there would be cameras. But, I DID know I wanted to have a quality story to tell when I got off the long flight from Ontario to B.C.

And, in Episode One you’ll hear The Airplane Story the very first time it was ever told.

“First time”, because not only was it my introduction to Leland and my introduction to those who watch this series, but it went on to become the centerpiece of my first official 7-minute comedy set…and, it’s more polished version, gets to the stage almost every time I perform.





Early in the tour, I was asked to fill a last minute need. Would I be willing to introduce Leland, that night?

I said, yes.

And…well. For me, the rest is history…in the making.

I’m incredibly honoured to be on this series! It’s a brilliantly unique concept that is funny and inspiring. There’s a lot of stand-up, but the series isn’t primarily about the performances…it’s about the stories behind the performances (of which mine is just one).

So, starting tomorrow, tune into CTS every Saturday and watch “a comedy reality show that will touch your funny bone and your heart”.

I hope you’ll enjoy it!

*Find your CTS channel # HERE

Have a good one,
Timmy

Thursday, March 24, 2011

My Hair is Fit For Royalty!

The latest “look” to hit the fashion world has been established by the incredibly stunning, and soon to be “Princess”, Kate Middleton.


Her hair is to die for!

Now, even with world-wide disasters of epic proportions surfacing almost monthly, there are only two things I truly fear:

1. Being a tall thin man with a large gut and,
2. Being “fashionably” late

As a result, all my energy is devoted to keeping those two ugly beasts at bay. Sure it may be an obsession, but have you ever seen a six-foot, 160-pound man whose gut is three times his height, wearing pants three decades too late.

I am NOT going to be that guy.

So, while doing 100,000 crunches a day, I do everything humanly possible to live life on the cutting edge of fashion. In fact, most of the time, I’m ahead of the game. For example, at present, I’m the only one on my street wearing parachute pants. Can’t touch this!

But staying hip in the clothing department is easy compared to being down with the latest hair styles.

I mean what if you misread a cultural fashion shift and accidentally pick up something that’s “so yesterday”? No problem. Your wardrobe malfunction, although embarrassing, can be quickly fixed by dropping by the nearest Walmart or other notable clothing shops and simply picking up something that’s “so tomorrow”.

However, if you chop off the timeless mullet because your gut is telling you “The Bieber” will stick around for a while…and you’re wrong.

Well, there is no quick fix.

It’s either endure endless ridicule while waiting for your "girly bob" to grow back out or...you go all Bruce Willis and be called, “Mr. Wanna Be Bruce Willis” for the rest of your life. It becomes a no win situation.

Do you know what we call people who don’t win…

Losers!

And anyone who has seen me workout can tell by the sweat on my brow and the hot pink leg warmers on my calves that I don’t play to lose. I’m a winner. In life…and especially in fashion.

People, when I do my do...I’m not only looking for what’s hot now, I want staying power.  Because quite frankly, I’m not about to do this again:


That’s where research comes in. Which is why, on any given day, in between crunch sets, you’ll probably find me looking through Allure, watching America’s Next Top Model, studying hairstyle flowcharts from the past or sometimes…just hanging out in some nondescript salon trying to get a finger on the pulse of the little people.

It may seem a little intense, but it’s a necessary evil. After all, if I can find time to exercise, I can certainly find time to make sure my head is as attractive as my abs.

What about the princess? Is Kate Middleton’s hair style the next big thing? Oh ya. I’m all over “The Kate”.


And if I’m right, it’ll be the best hair decision I’ve made since sporting...“The Rachel”.


Have a good one,
Timmy

Monday, March 21, 2011

A Moment for Eternity

THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

NOW AVAILABLE!
“INSIDE TIMMY’S MIND”…THE BOOK.
Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE

READ ABOUT THE BOOK HERE

TIMMY’S MIND IS:
A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Great Twit Experiment: The Aftermath


*Check out the experiment HERE

Okay. To call it an “experiment” is a little extreme, because that implies I actually had a theory & hypothesis in place. So, why did I contact the 77 Twits I follow?

To satisfy some deep need to understand the complex dynamics of an organic community living in a technological shell? Nope. Just thought it would be cool.

And it was.

The responses, the stats I compiled and especially the questions raised in my own mind, “Why do I follow you?” and “Why should you follow me?” were all…cool.


“Why do I follow you?”

The fact is, despite my “social” experiment, I don’t follow you on Twitter because you’re social. I follow you because you post things I find funny or interesting…or you’re wearing Hotpants in your avatar – I’m sure @IttyBittyBikini479 has some deep insights.

Now, if you want to chat…I’m all for it. I love people and have met some awesome Twits over the last year. However, dropping the occasional, “Hello” isn’t really a requirement for me to follow you.

This may expose me as a brutal self-promoter but, quite frankly, I don’t care if you have Klout or take part in reciprocal following. In other words, I don’t follow you because you can boost my numbers.

And, unless your name is Ben Stiller or Alyssa Milano, I don’t care if you’re a celebrity. Stiller is second to Newhart on my comedic idol list, but it’s his work in Haiti I’m presently admiring. As for Alyssa, sure she tops my All-time Celebrity Crush list, but the Queen of Twitter always has some interesting or amusing nugget to share. My point is your follower to follow ratio isn’t important to me. Having a million followers is impressive…but it doesn’t mean I want to follow you.

If you can make me laugh or think…I’ll probably follow you. That’s it.


“Why should you follow me?”

For the same reason.

Now, I’m not about to turn away any follower or start DM’ing people questioning their decision to follow me.

But, I don’t want you to follow me because I followed you (It’s very nice…but unnecessary), or you were worried my numbers are low (I’m genuinely thankful for your concern) or because you want a new friend (Which may…or may not happen).

I don’t care for auto-follows, for companies who follow based on keywords (I type “credit card” and three credit companies follow me. I type Alyssa Milano and…still nothing) or for people who send mass blind follows hoping to grow a mass blind following.

I want you to follow me because I post things you find funny or interesting…or you think I look great in Hotpants. That’s it.

Look, I’m a pretty simple dude. I’d much rather have a small number of followers who actually enjoy me and the things I produce then a million followers who wouldn’t know if I stopped creating.

So…

I’m looking for people I might enjoy…and people who might enjoy me.

If you know any…tell them @timmybits sent you.




FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER
Click the little birdy...

Have a good one,
Timmy

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Great Twit Experiment: Putting the "soc" in "soc-med"

Inspired by @missstrickie, my partner in crime, I embarked on a little adventure in Twitterland. My goal was to contact every Twit I follow. “Twit” is the official word, right?

I have no idea. In fact, despite being in the blue bird’s nest for almost 21 months, with over 1900 tweets to my name, I know very little about the workings of this vast social network…and still can’t define it in 140 characters or less.

Anyways, starting at 7:00 Friday morning, I began to “put the soc in soc-med” by sending personalized messages to the 77 people I have chosen to follow. Although extremely curious as to how many would respond (the over-under was 28), I was reaching out with no real expectations.


My first response came at 10:03 from a very prompt @mrbigwood, who got back to me in 3 minutes…which was fast, but not as fast as @fringegirl (2 min).

By 3:40pm, eight hours into the process, I had reached out to half my list and only heard back from eight. But, the day was still young…after all, not everyone has a job which allows them to live on Twitter. Sure enough, the floodgates opened after 4pm with 18 responses over the next six hours…including @pyledriver1969 who actually responded almost an hour before I asked him a question. I signed off at 10:00pm…and then waited.

Five stragglers would arrive to the party in the subsequent 12 hours and I officially closed the doors at 8:56pm on Saturday, after @dldiener popped in (31 hours after her invite, but welcomed nonetheless)…only to reopen them briefly at 7:30pm Sunday for @rowdykittens. If two days isn’t being fashionably late, I don’t know what is.

So…I tweeted 77 people and received 31 responses.

That’s a 40% response rate - 55% if you disregard the 21 (4 celebrities, 7 “brands”, 10 non-regular tweeters) who I shouldn’t expect to hear from anyways. Although, getting a “Hey” from @redhourben or the lovely @alyssa_milano certainly would’ve kept me from crying myself to sleep.

Am I angry with the 45% who didn’t respond? Nope. Oh, a purge is necessary but it’s definitely not based on who did and who didn’t respond. This isn’t a bitter lashing out at the 30 regular-tweeting, non-celebrity, real people who won’t talk to me, because that would be petty…in a High School Cheerleader kinda way. You see, there are many legitimate reasons why these individuals didn’t acknowledge my outstretched hand:

1. My message got lost in their busy news feed.
2. They’re extremely busy.
3. They can’t read.

Believe me, I don’t take any of this personally. If I did…I couldn’t expect my off-line friends to constantly forgive me for taking three weeks to respond to their emails…or return their call.

However, this experiment did raise two questions…that I do take seriously.

“Who should I follow?”…and more importantly, “Why should someone follow me?”

I’ll tell you my thoughts…tomorrow.

P.S. @dandelionfleur has now responded…a mere 71 hrs after initial contact was made.

That’s 32.

**READ what happened next HERE

Have a good one,
Timmy


FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER
Click the little birdy...

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Days of our Lives



THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

NOW AVAILABLE!
“INSIDE TIMMY’S MIND”…THE BOOK.
Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE

READ ABOUT THE BOOK HERE

TIMMY’S MIND IS:
A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Oscar goes to...Flannelgraph Clooney!



THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

NOW AVAILABLE!
“INSIDE TIMMY’S MIND”…THE BOOK.
Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE

READ ABOUT THE BOOK HERE

TIMMY’S MIND IS:
A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Timmy's Top 10 Favourite Princesses! Part III

Welcome to Part 3 of Timmy's Top Ten Favourite Princesses. If you missed Part 1 or Part 2, please take a few moments to catch up by clicking HERE.

Now it is time to find out which princesses I’d love to rule with…assuming I wasn’t already married to my beautiful Queen (statements like that are what allow me to keep posting entries like this).

Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you my TOP THREE Favourite Princesses:


3. Diana
aka - Wonder Woman

Diana is Xena without the bloody past…and the leather.

She’s not just a princess. She’s an Amazon princess! Hello! She sits high on my list primarily because, as this chart shows, top to bottom her strengths clearly outweigh her weaknesses:

Strengths:
Strong
Fast
Agile
Smart
Beautiful
Bullet-Proof Bracelets
Lasso of Truth
Tiara Boomerang
Invisible Airplane
Short Shorts

Weaknesses:
Sometimes loses her invisible airplane
No leather

A princess this top heavy deserves to be recognized.


2. Leia

The only black mark against Leia is she has an absolute twit for brother…

Along with being “Force-sensitive”, this princess has more spunk wrapped up in those side hair buns than most people have in their entire body. She’s small, but feisty. Leia, got game…and a lot of it! She brought the high flying Han Solo to the ground; She talked smack to Lord Vader – the evilest dude in the entire universe; And she literally choked the life out of the biggest, meanest, ugliest slug the world has ever known…while wearing a golden medal bikini.

Have you ever tried to strangle a giant slug while wearing a golden medal bikini? Give this princess the props she deserves.


1. Diana (of Wales) 

Diana was the people’s princess.

An absolutely captivating woman. She wasn’t born into The Royal Family, but royalty was certainly born into her. There isn’t a princess on the planet who had such a global impact. The world celebrated her wedding…and remembered where they were when it happened. The world mourned her death…and remembered where they were when it happened. The majestic wedding and her tragic death were bookends to a life marked with incredible charity work. An unlikely “rebel”, Diana was a seemingly tortured soul who used her immense platform to bring joy, hope & comfort to other tortured souls. She wasn’t perfect, but clearly took her role seriously…and the monarchy hasn’t been the same since.

The worst illness of our time is that so many people have to suffer from never being loved.
                                                                                                      - Princess Diana of Wales


Hey (soon to be Princess) Kate,

You probably don’t have magic hair or latent Jedi powers. You might not be able to create a Glee-like moment in the middle of a public park, sing bass or call on the forest animals to do your will. You can’t be a mermaid, a warrior princess or an Amazon goddess. And, you won’t be Diana.

But next year...if you rebel a little and love a lot…you might just make this list.

P.S. I understand if you don’t want to walk around in a paper bag…but have you considered leather?

Just think about it.

Have a good one,
Timmy

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Timmy's Top 10 Favourite Princesses! Part II

Welcome to PART II of Timmy's Top 10 Favourite Princesses. If you missed Part I, please take a few moments to check it out by clicking HERE.

It’s time to find out which Princesses fill out the middle of my list. Here we go, starting at number 8:


8. Vespa

Vespa may be a diva, but put an automatic weapon in her hand…and not even Sigourney Weaver can touch her.

You really have to appreciate someone who has a singular passion…even if it is her hair.
Sure she made someone else lug her monster hair dryer across the desert, but consider this…she uses a monster hair dryer! Tell me that doesn’t take some amazing forearm strength. With those, “flashing eyes, flushed cheeks and trembling lips” she may be ugly when she’s angry, but hands down…

…the sexiest female bass singer you’ll ever meet.


7. Snow White

Snow White is the ultimate symbol of purity.

That’s cool and all, but it’s not why she got on this list. You see, Snow White’s “snow white” image is pretty attractive, but when Shrek 3 revealed a previously hidden, “edgier” side to this iconic princess…I was sold. Remember the scene when she angelically whistled and sang her way to the enchanted trees which were guarding the castle, only to unleash the woodland creatures like bats out of hell. That’s hot!

Ya I have a sweet tooth but, every once in a while…I like a little spice.

Click pic to watch the clip


6. Ariel

Ariel is a mermaid. Enough said.


5. Rapunzel

Rapunzel has blond hair, big eyes and a frying pan. What more could you ask for?

How ‘bout MAGIC hair? Done! Not only can Rapuzel’s mile long golden locks revive a dead person and guide a lost soul through a dark cavern but they make Spiderman’s web seem…silly. In fact, every time she whips her hair Indiana Jones comes across like an amateur. And, Rapunzel’s saucer size eyes aren’t nearly as appealing as the way she handles the frying pan. She may not be able to cook with it, but she can certainly use it to clean house…if you know what I mean.

This sweet little thing is absolutely lethal. I think I’m in love.


4. Xena

Xena is using her power for good…and wears leather - both very admirable qualities.

How many ruthless warlord princesses do I know? None.
How many ruthless warlord princesses turned protector of the people do I know? One.
Xena is the ultimate bad girl turned good girl…and she wears leather.

She’s a princess with purpose. The same passion and drive which earned her the title “Destroyer of Nations” now motivates her to defend the weak. With a name meaning, “Hospitable”, the Warrior Princess could play host & security guard at her own party. She’d welcome guests with open arms…and snap the neck of any who dare crash the festivities. She’d also be killer at Ultimate Frisbee.

Did I mention she wears leather?


Seven Princesses who would make any Kingdom a better place.  Go To Part III HERE to find out which Princesses sit on the three thrones of my heart...and read my final words for Princess-to-be Kate Middleton.

Have a good one,
Timmy

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Timmy's Top 10 Favourite Princesses! Part I

I know it’s still a few months away, but I’m really excited about the impending Royal Wedding…despite not receiving my invitation yet. I’m sure it’s in the mail.

On April 29, Prince William and Kate Middleton will become man and wife and while Prince William seems like a good dude and all…I’m not really interested in his role in all of this. I want to talk about Kate.


I like Kate…and she’ll probably make a good princess.

Which got me thinking. What makes a great princess? Is it wisdom? Good fashion sense? Great legs? Charity work? Charm? Great legs? Wit? Great legs?

Let me tell you…with so many factors in play it’s not an easy thing to determine. So, rather than consider what makes a princess great, I simply listed my favourite princesses…and later discovered a trend.

Over the next week, I will list my favourite princesses of all time, reveal a slight bias and give Kate a little insight into how she could one day break the top-ten.

So…here we go. Starting with a few who just didn’t quite make the cut:

Honourable Mentions:

Queen Latifah (remember when she was just Princess Latifah?), Prince (the name is deceiving) and the Princess who could feel the pea beneath like 100 mattresses (that’s just freaky cool).

Now...on with the show:

10. Elizabeth
aka - the Paper Bag Princess

Elizabeth is a princess who wants a prince, but doesn’t need one.

She’s resilient enough to get up after being knocked down; she’s brave enough to confront her past by staring down the very dragon which put her in rags; she’s smart enough outwit said dragon and she’s wise enough to rid herself of the "Jersey Shore Look at me!” Ronald.

A princess who walks around in a paper bag? C’mon, if that isn’t unpretentious, down to earth and strangely appealing, what is?

9. Giselle

Giselle is clueless…but as real as it gets.

Sure she doesn’t have an ounce of street smarts, but is that such a bad thing? Maybe…but Snooki has tons of street smarts which clearly isn’t good either. Sure Giselle could buy a clue or two, but there isn’t a hidden agenda anywhere under that poofy dress of hers. She’s virtually un-hateable. You might be jealous of her “glass is always completely full and over flowing into the other overflowing glasses all around it” outlook on life, but you can’t hate her for it. She’s a believer…in dreams, in people and in love. She’s just so darn adorable!

I would love to take a walk in the park with her!






Well folks, those two princesses are pretty awesome...but they only round out my Top Ten. Go to PART II HERE to find out what princesses I ranked higher.

If you think you have some ideas of who they may be, please post a comment...I'd be very interested in your predictions. I think there will be some surprises.

Have a good one,
Timmy

Friday, February 11, 2011

A Singular Focus

THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

NOW AVAILABLE!
“INSIDE TIMMY’S MIND”…THE BOOK.
Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE

READ ABOUT THE BOOK HERE

TIMMY’S MIND IS:
A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

My Journal

Jan. 1, 2010
Dear Diary,
It’s New Years Day! You know what that means? It means I get to write the first of many entries. So…here it is. I must say I’m very excited about all that lays in store for me over the next 12 months. That’s why my New Year Resolution is to keep a daily account of all my comings and goings. All my ups and downs. All my tasks and emotions. Life goes so fast. I think taking time to stop and process each day as it comes will really help me enjoy the individual moments even more.

I plan on being absolutely transparent, which may mean I’ll write some silly things I’ll end up regretting, but I’ll also learn more about myself in the process…especially when I look back on the whole picture through the glasses of hindsight. It’s going to provide so much insight into me as a person. I’m sure it will reveal many strengths and many weaknesses. It may not be easy to read…but it’ll prove to be beneficial.

I’m sure it’s not easy to write every day, but I’m looking forward to the challenge. I just need to constantly remind myself of the benefits of taking on a task which at times might feel mundane. I mean, not every day is going to be a Shakespearean play mixed with drama, comedy and intrigue. I’m sure some days I’ll just write “Had a good day”, but that’s Okay. It’s the journey which interests me. The day to day accounts will reveal steps which, at the time, seemed insignificant but later proved to be very monumental. There will be days I write bland statements, unaware the next day will prove to be charged with emotion. That’s why I made it my New Years resolution and unlike previous years…I’m going to keep it this time! Well, that’s it for now. See you tomorrow. I can’t wait.

Jan. 1, 2011
Dear Diary,
Last year is such a blur…

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

"He Lives!" Is it a Miracle or Good Theatre?

Do cats have nine lives?

Quite possibly.

Mine has at least two.

You see, last week I watched my cat die and…come back to life.

On Sunday, we noticed Spanky wasn’t well which was both surprising…and not. His sudden “Unspankiness” caught us off guard because, except for the occasional war wound, he’s always been quite healthy. However, Spanky is also living in his “-er” years. If you know someone over 60, you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

They’re not old. They’re old-er.

Well, Spanky is 14 which is the equivalent of a 72 year old human (see chart) and places him firmly at the high end of any life span chart. But, although 72 may mean slowing down…it isn’t exactly death incarnate. Take, for example, Jack Nicholson who at 73 is looking great but has decided it’s time to stop hitting on younger women in public. Then again, there is Keith Richards who at only 67 may actually be death incarnate.


Anyways, when we noticed Spanky was having trouble eating (not one of his weak areas) we rightfully grew concerned.

Over the next 24 hours, with his strength fading at an incredibly uncomfortable rate, he began distancing himself until he eventually curled up by the washing machine…in the far reaches of our basement. Assuming he had chosen his final resting place, I wrote an emotional blog entry entitled, “Goodbye Spanky” to post first thing in the morning.

However, when I got up for my regular midnight bathroom visit, I almost tripped over…Spanky! I was freaked, yet impressed. I mean, how many dead cats do you know who can walk up three flights of stairs?

I don’t think he slept all night. He was determined to skirt death by staying awake…for ever! So, we spent the next day speaking in whispers and walking on tip-toes trying to give this poor cat a chance to “fall asleep”.

But, not only would he not die, Spanky started eating and drinking again. Eventually, I figured if he’s going to be so stubborn about this whole death thing, I might as well get him to a vet to get him ready for life #2.

Turns out, Spanky was just really sick and not lying on death’s door after all. Apparently, the symptoms of a dying cat can also be symptoms of a cat with other problems…less fatal than death. Who knew?

Since the experience was more dramatic revitalization than miraculous resurrection, Spanky is actually less Jesus and more Hulk Hogan.


In true wrestling theatre, Spanky appeared to grow weaker and weaker until, just as his paw was about to limply drop to the mat for the third and final time…his leg started shaking. Raising his once lifeless body to his feet, he body slammed my wife, cupped his ears (feigning bad hearing) and strutted victoriously, with “I Am a Real American” blaring, over to the kitchen...high-fiving my kids all the way to his food dish.

I guess, “Goodbye Spanky” will remain a draft…for now.

Have a good one,
Timmy

Friday, January 28, 2011

The People On Mercury Have It So Good!


THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

NOW AVAILABLE!
“INSIDE TIMMY’S MIND”…THE BOOK.
Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind

ORDER YOUR COPY HERE

READ ABOUT THE BOOK HERE

TIMMY’S MIND IS:
A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

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