Friday, January 28, 2011

The People On Mercury Have It So Good!


To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind



A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I've Got A Beef with Vegetarians!

Where’s the beef?

Veggie Burgers.

Nope. But it’s definitely where MY beef lies.

For the record, I am a meat eater and have been for as long as I can remember. My favourite dishes include Meat Loaf, Meat Balls & Meat Pies - which although they include cow are very different than “Cow Pies”.

Would you like fries with that? No thanks…but I’ll have another burger. I mean really, why would I fill up on starches when I could have a second patty? Silly rabbit, fries are for kids.

I remember the first time I ordered Wendy’s Triple Burger with cheese. It was heaven! Okay, maybe it wasn’t heaven, but it certainly almost got me there. ¾ lbs of beef, 1030 calories, 63 grams of fat and more grease than a 1950’s high school dance. My heart stopped four times. It was glorious.

Healthy? No. Satisfying? Yes!

Now, having said all that let me put it in the proper perspective.

I love meat. However, I am not a pure carnivore. I have been known to, when the social situation calls for it, eat the occasional “green” and I thoroughly enjoy watching Veggie Tales (that cucumber is so wacky).

Officially, I am what the people of Science call an “Omnivore” - although, I actually prefer the term “Semi-Carnivore” or “Carnivore with Herbivoric Tendencies”.

I am not an extre’meat’ist (“Eat meat or die!”) or a beef’angelist (“No Beef. No Peace. Know Beef. Know Peace.”). So, if you’re a vegetarian, you need not fear I will one day bludgeon you with rack of lamb or fill your mailbox with pro-protein flyers.

And, I definitely don’t participate in meat snobbery. If you and I were to go to Wendy’s and you ordered a garden salad with a plain baked potato on the side, I might chuckle mildly to myself…but I would still sit with you.

You see, I have absolutely no beef with people who choose to eat no beef.

I mean, if you want to leave "Hell’s Kitchen" and move into the "Garden of Eden", that’s your choice. I won’t come with you, but it’s a free country - which means crazy people are allowed to do illogical things.

No. My problem is people who desire to leave the world of burgers and still think they can have “Burgers”!

Burg-er n. a sandwich consisting of a fried cake of minced beef, served on a bun.


If you desire a burger then fry yourself up a nice juicy patty of minced beef, slap it on a bun and enjoy your “Burger”!

If, however, that’s not how you roll then fry yourself up a nice juicy patty of minced veggies, slap ‘em on a bun and enjoy your…“Minced Veggie Sandwich”!

It’s not a burger. It never will be!

You want to eat tofu and veggies ‘cause it’ll extend your life, fine. Stay in the garden and eat your wraps.

But if you want a BURGER…then step back into Hell’s Kitchen and enjoy a slice of Heaven!

Have a good one,

Monday, January 24, 2011

An Exponential Pain in the Brain

In High School, I took “Finite Math” because the “Basic Probability Theory” is applicable in everyday real-life settings…like trying to win the lottery and break Vegas.

Recently, after making known my disdain for any math with no practical purpose (like multiplication and fractions), a young mathematician named Roy offered to share with me the relative merits of the Sierpinski Triangle.

When I responded with, “The what?” Roy looked horrified and proclaimed, “Only the most famous triangle in the world!” Please. Even the Obtuse Triangle would rank higher.

Over the next 30 minutes, I listened intently as Roy declared the amazing mathematical wizardry behind the Triangle of the Gods. His monologue was akin to a defense lawyer making a closing argument. I had never seen someone so passionately discuss a shape. Well, at least not since Cookie Monster drooled over a circle because it looked like…a cookie.

I was following along well until the word “fractal” caused my mind to briefly wander. I have such fond memories of my sister and I watching “Fractal Rock”. Good ol’ Gobo, Wembley and those cute little green Doozers. Oooh, I just want to squish their pudgy cheeks.

My mental drifting didn’t last long. Roy, noticing my blank stare, began drawing a diagram to refocus me. He drew at such a frenetic pace you would have thought he was drawing a map to the lost city of Atlantis.

I watched closely as his pencil feverishly drew line after line…after line. Eventually, with lines darting every which way, my eyes concluded it was probably best to split up and follow different areas of the page.

At one point, the pattern got so crazy my left eyeball flat out gave up, dislocated itself and, for the duration of the lesson, floated around randomly…which made me even more distracted and others slightly queasy.

All of a sudden, as quickly as it had begun, the pencil stopped moving. My first thought was sheer terror. “Oh crap, my brain froze!”

You can imagine my relief when I saw the floor…then the wall…then the ceiling. This proved it was indeed the pencil which had stopped, and not my brain. Clearly my left eye was still recording information during it’s now steady rotation.

With the initial panic subdued, my right eye glanced up at Roy, who was wearing a smile fit for the Cheshire Cat, and waited for my left eye to come full circle. For a moment, albeit brief, I locked both eyes onto his. He was so enthralled with his perfectly demonstrated point he didn’t even wince when my right eye darted off again.

Not ready to confess my total lapse of interest, I slowly glanced back down at the diagram hoping to see the beautiful interlocking of art and math that Roy saw. But all I saw…was the final daily tally left by a lifer on their prison cell wall.

“So…how does this apply to life?”

Roy said, “You know the Hydra…from Greek Mythology?”

Thank goodness dinner was ready...

Have a good one,

Friday, January 21, 2011

Life Saving Tips From My Brain.

Human beings, including myself (despite suspicions I am probably from another planet), seem to possess an innate tendency to assume each hurdle which stands before them, every curve ball life throws and all Gladiators they must fight are problems unique to them.

However, there is a basic fundamental flaw in such thinking. Mainly that hurdles, baseball games and Gladiators haven’t been seen in the same arena since, like…the 60’s.

Understand, I often use that term to refer to any time between the 70’s and Ancient Rome.

Anyways, the less obvious flaw in thinking every battle is a completely new experience is that it’s simply not a true fact of life. There is nothing new under the sun (although the right side may have some surprises for us).

You see, every obstacle we face has been faced by another and every obstacle we face will be faced by another. Do you know what that means? It means, “Every obstacle we face has been faced by another and every obstacle we face will be faced by another.”

And…it means, if each person would be willing to teach the secrets behind their victories as well as the lessons learned from their defeats this world, with all of its hills and valleys, would become easier to navigate.

So, it is time to start using my mind to help others deal with problems they either are facing or, most likely, will face in the future.

Because, despite what my wife says, there is more to me than a great smile, rock hard abs, magnetic charm, cool socks and a wit you could cut through metal with. There is a tonne (give or take 1 kg or 2.2 lbs) of wisdom stored up in this head of mine.

Now, for the sake of full disclosure, bear in mind I’m only 37. So, I’m no Mr. Miyagi…but I’ve been to a few dog and pony shows in my day. Well, one actually…and I still don’t know how that chubby bulldog beat the lean greyhound in the tunnel race. Steroids? I’m just sayin’.

The question remains. What precious gem of insight should I drop into the collective lap of the world first? How can I best help the most people in one shot? What grain of knowledge will produce the most fruit?


How to jump hurdles? Nope. I was a triple-jumper in school. Jump. Hop. Skip. Or was it, Skip, Jump, Hop? Listen, it’s a hard enough task without having to do it some particular order. And, don’t even consider attempting it while chewing gum.

How to hit a curve ball? Ah? Nope. In High School, I couldn’t hit a curve ball if my life depended on it (which at my school was a possible scenario). Of course, I couldn’t hit a fastball either. But I walked a lot because of my great eye…and the pitchers were brutal.

How to fight a gladiator? THAT I know.


…and wait for the principal to save your sorry butt!

More wisdom in the days to come,
Have a good one,

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Palin-Timmy 2011

Of course!

It was as clear as a frosted window in December!

The game plan for 2011 and the key to my success...

Mama Grizzlies!

When I mentioned it to my wife (and BFF), she pursed her lips, scrunched her brow, pulled the covers over her head and muttered, “Turn off the vacuum!”

Maybe I should give you a little back story.

A little over two weeks ago, I was waiting with eager anticipation for the clock to strike midnight and the calendar to switch over to 2011. Well…the clock did its job, but the calendar just sat there. Fail!

After kissing my wife (long and passionately), singing Auld Lang Syne (with a little beatboxing) and vacuuming the living room (nude, of course) – a tradition that symbolizes living life to the fullest – I sat down to reflect on 2010 and the year ahead.

In that monastically silent moment, I had to man up to my errors (although extremely few) and prepare to face the unknown. As visions of my past danced with hopes for my future, I rode an emotional rollercoaster which left me tossing up my last meal of 2010.

Staring into the toilet, I flushed, what was originally, an absolutely awesome spaghetti dinner down the drain. It was then, as the clean water re-filled the bowl, I experienced the A-HA moment I was seeking.

Mama Grizzlies!

Sarah Palin, future prime minister of Canada and eventual queen of the entire planet – I’m just sayin’ - used this term to invoke an image of the vigilant protection of everything we hold dear…or she was supporting mean women wearing fur.

I suppose I could’ve Googled it, but why? Because it doesn’t really matter what she meant because it’s the coiner of the term, not the term itself, which fascinates me.

Princess Sarah, possess’ a certain je ne sais quoi…or as the English would say, “The Wow Factor”. She speaks with passion. “Wow!” She waves with conviction. “Wow!” She married Todd. Seriously? Todd? “Wow…”

Anyways, as a result, Sarah Palin has gone viral!

Her meteoric rise among the American people, from Mayor of some small town in Alaska (a suburb of Russia) to Vice Presidential candidate of the United States (a suburb of Canada) to celebrity superstar has been nothing short of epic!

Now, that’s what I’m talkin’ about! And, I’m willing to fight anyone - who is shorter, slower & smaller than me…and is preferably blind – who wants to refudiate my analysis.

How did she do it?

By making up words like refudiate.

The Mama Grizzly of Mama Grizzlies, by vigilantly protecting her quirky, unconventional self, has successfully blazed a trail…across the grain! And, like her or not, she’s still moving forward.

You go, girl!

So today, when I read LSSU’s annual “List of Words to be Banished”, I knew exactly what I had to do.

Use each of those 14 words (which include 2 Palinisms) in this post…

…’cause that’s the way I roll.

Timmy - Palin 2011: Going Against the Grain

P.S. I coined the word "coiner".
Have a good one,

Monday, January 17, 2011

Hey, Jan 17th! Stick it up your...


To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind



A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

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