Wednesday, April 27, 2011

10 Reasons I Should Be Invited To The Royal Wedding...with Joss Stone

We are two days away from the greatest wedding in the history of the entire world!

That’s right. You heard me.

GREATEST wedding in the HISTORY of the ENTIRE world!

So, with it being such an epic occasion, I certainly understand why some people are quite upset about not being invited.

Take singer, songwriter Lily Allen for one.

I mean, she sang at the 2007 Memorial Concert for Diana (mother of the groom and best princess ever) AND…she’s English.

Slam dunk, you say?


To add insult to injury, Miss Allen’s “rival”, Joss Stone (who also sang at the concert…and is English), has been granted a golden ticket to sit within earshot of the historic vows.

Is anyone surprised Lily went ballistic over the apparent snub? Not me.

If I had sung at that concert and was English and hadn’t been invited to this monumental ceremony…but my nemesis had…well, I’d have spit out of my tea, thrown a scone or two, burned my “Prince William” calendars and unleashed an anger fuelled rant longer than the British Monarchy blood-line.

How do I know?

Because, even though I didn’t sing (let alone the attend) the concert, I’m not English (in the “From England” way) and, as far as I know, my rival (Taylor Swift) isn’t going…I responded in similar fashion a few days ago.

You see, after 18 consecutive nights of sleeping beside our mailbox, it finally sunk in. I wasn’t getting an invite to the Royal Wedding.

Once the paralyzing sorrow passed, I refused to roll up the rim on my Tim Horton’s hot chocolate cup, threw a Nanaimo Bar to the ground, burned my “Artist formerly known as Prince” calendars and unleashed an anger fuelled rant longer than the list of Canadians in the Hockey Hall of Fame.

It wasn’t pretty.

I really wanted to go.

But, rather than sulk about it...I’ve decided to be proactive. It may be too little too late, and I could still end up watching the ceremony on TV (curled up in my Princess Kate PJ’s) but I’m not going down without a fight.

So, for anyone who cares…here’s my final plea:

(who is a better singer than Joss Stone & more English than you know)

1. I have the same last name as Susan Boyle.
2. I ABSOLUTELY PROMISE never to refer to Kate as HRH (Her Royal Hotness)...around William.
3. I’ve watched Spice World over 20 times. Posh rules!...under the Queen, of course.
4. I once saw David Beckham kick a soccer ball in a YouTube clip…at least I think it was him.
5. I’d emcee the reception for a box of scones and a picture with Kate.
6. I prefer tea over coffee. Me and Earl Grey are buddies.
7. I dropped French classes as soon as the opportunity presented itself.
8. I’ve read the palace rulebook from cover to cover…and apply them in my home.
9. I know most of the lyrics to Candle in the Wind…and can almost hum the entire chorus.
10. I don’t like Lily Allen, either.

I'll book my flight...

Have a good one,

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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Saved from an AWESOME mistake!

Whew! That was close.

Let me start by saying, I’m so thankful for people like Margaret Andrews - the wonderfully creative and supernaturally insightful author of Nanny Goats in Panties. Not only does her blog often make me laugh, but yesterday she single-handedly saved me from making the biggest mistake of my virtual life!

You see, in a desperate attempt to more effectively establish my online identity, I dedicated many waking (and sometime sleeping) hours to the intense study of Twitter bios. Noting everything of significance, I eventually compiled enough data to fill 14 notebooks. After transferring the information into an Excel spreadsheet…patterns quickly emerged.

My bio was clearly lacking…in style and substance. There’s no way so many people could be wrong. I realized I had to change or risk being lost in the crowd…as millions of other self promoters marched boldly passed (and over) me.

Brimming with excitement, I began crafting my new...and exponentially more effective, bio.

The most common theme among the online experts was...personal "Awesomeness". It is near impossible to explain awesomeness in 140 characters or less. In fact, I don’t think you can even write “awesomeness” in 140 characters. Well…you could, but you’d have to leave out a lot of very necessary exclamation points.

Now, even though others had attempted it…I wasn’t about to cram my awesomeness.

So, I started my bio like this…

"Hey, I’m Timmy…but you can call me Awesome."

The link would then lead them to my more complete bio…

"I used to be “working for the man” just like you…but, not anymore. I’m an Entrepreneur…with a capital E (which you’ll notice I actually used in the word “Entrepreneur”…because I believe it!). Now, you might find this a little hard to grasp but…I love sports, sex and fart jokes. That’s right. I’m not your regular, run-of- the-mill man. With my incredibly perfect wife (and BFF) – who cooks, cleans & looks like a swimsuit model 24-7 - at my side, I have managed to fulfill so many personal dreams…I simply can’t dream fast enough! In fact, I think I’ve already lived the life of three men! Crazy, eh? How do I keep sane while riding this freakingly crazy ride called life? By pashunately sharing the pashun of pashuns which we are so incredibly pashunate about. My goal (or pashun if you will) is to help you and the rest of the world - who pretty much suck at life - personally experience the awesomeness you deserve…but has evaded you. Believe it or not…it is possible for you to be almost as awesome as me. So, do yourself a favour and connect with me. I not only have the answers…I am the answer. BTW…I’m also awesome at, and pashunate about, marketing. Develop your unique brand by checking out my “Marketing Tips from a Marketing Maven, Strategist & Guru" Fan Page. Peace out, Brethren."

Moments away from posting this, I read Margaret’s words:  *Check 'em out: HERE

Apparently, the majority isn’t always right.

Thanks Margaret…for stopping me from looking foolish!

Have a good one,

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Thursday, April 7, 2011

"Yoga"...and Seven Other Awesome "YO-" Words

There was a time when I thought Yoga was only for women…and men who couldn’t quite figure out how to throw properly.

But then…I attempted this:

That’s my cousin, Amy. My attempt looked more like this:

Anyways, I’ve come along way and have actually become a pro-yogaer even though I’m not yet a pro-yogaer…if you know what I mean.

Recently, while stuck in the Downward Dog pose...

...I began to wonder about my previously distorted, and quite illogical, view of Yoga. After all, why would I consider Yoga to be wishy-washy when almost every other thing that starts with “YO-” ends up representing some awesome human quality.


1. Yo Yo Ma = Excellence

Gather the top people in any field in the history of the world - Michael Jordan, Socrates, Picasso, Einstein…Snooki – and tell me this world-class Cellist doesn’t stack up favourably. Okay, he’s no Snooki, but he clearly belongs in the group as a whole.

2. Yo Yo = Child-Like Enthusiasm

Sure the Yo-Yo isn’t easy to master, but it’s the ultimate symbol of simple fun. It spins. It bounces. It flies. It rocks. It jumps. It loops. And…if you do it just right, you can fling it within inches of your friends nose.

3. “Yo Mama” = Competitive Spirit

“Talkin’ Smack” has been around from the beginning of time. Ever since Cain told Abel he was the biggest vegetable in the garden, every physical battle of note has been accompanied by a solid war of words. And, “Yo Mama”…is the mother of them all. Game on!

4. “Yo Ho Ho…and a Bottle of Rum” = Entrepreneurship

Who doesn’t want to be a pirate? These brave souls, following their dreams, shunned the 9-5 business world and set off to do what they loved. The peg legs and eye patches are testament to the fact it is not easy being your own boss but, by all accounts, most of these guys turned a very hefty profit. Good on them.

5. Yoda = Wisdom

Yoga sounds like Yoda (except with a “d” sound instead of a “g” sound) and Yoda sounds like every philosopher the world has ever produced. Sure, he may have one wicked problem with Grammar but once you’re able to navigate his topsy-turvy speech impediment you’ll see wisdom beyond his 900 years.

6. Yogi Bear = Overcoming Obstacles

Despite being raised in the woods among “average” bears, he would not let his environment define his identity…or his future. While other bears were tipping garbage bins, Yogi created elaborate, multi-“pic-a-nic” basket, stealing rigs. A common thief? Yes. A common bear? No. He was smarter than that.

7. Yogurt = Creamy Goodness

Okay. Creamy Goodness may not be a “character quality”…but who doesn’t like yogurt? It’s healthy. It flows. It’s Yoga in a container…without the cramping.

Yo! That’s an impressive list.

So, while I go stand like a tree, would you be so kind as to vote for my cousin in a contest? She’s nothing short of impressive. Much appreciated.

Have a good one,

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Tweeting with the Stars!

Today, I respond to some tweets from a few of my favourite celebrity Twits...Enjoy.  Britney is a sweetheart.

Have a good one,

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Five Things I'll NEVER Say...Ever...In a Million Billion Years


To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind



A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Friday, April 1, 2011

How to: Be Captain America!

A few days ago I stumbled across the following link:

“How to: Make a Captain America Shield From a Satellite Dish.” *link at bottom of post

That is so…


I mean really…who doesn’t want a Captain America shield? My only assumption is dead people. But I bet if you asked them…even they’d want one.

However, I will admit my excitement was short lived as the sceptic inside me quickly began to ask questions.

“Is this just another one of those porn links, or worse…some kind of sick twisted joke?”

Sure, it’s one thing to innocently title a link, “How to: Make a Wonder Woman.” only to shock millions of Fanboys with not so innocent images, but seriously…don’t be promising people they can have Captain America’s shield only to pull the carpet out from under them. That’s plain wrong.

Anyways, with my eyes partially closed and the cursor arrow primed to close the window in a moments notice…I opened the link.


There he was.

Captain America…fully clothed.

Overcome with relief, I settled in to read how I could make a Captain America shield from a satellite dish.

The pictures looked cool and the process seemed surprisingly easy. In fact, the article described the plan as being something “just about anyone with enough time to complete this task could figure it out.”

Well, being the pure personification of “anyone with enough time”, I was clearly equipped for embarking on the most amazing craft project since making those felt covered cornucopia ornaments back in Grade 3. Mine were, as the kids say…epic!

Except back then “Mr. Crafty’s Bin of Craft Supplies” had everything I needed to accomplish the task. Not so today.

But, was I going to let a little obstacle like not having a satellite dish stop me from making a Captain America shield out of a satellite dish? Heck no.

And neither would Captain America. In fact, I asked myself, “What would Captain America do?”

Would Captain America quit? No.

Would Captain America throw a suicidal tantrum because his plan seemingly failed? Double No.

Well, I am not a quitter by any stretch of the imagination…unless you define “quitting” as, “stopping something before you finish because it seemed too hard”. And I’m certainly not one to emotionally snap at the slightest sign of disappointment.

So, with a steadfast determination to overcome this…quote…obstacle…unquote, I picked myself off the floor, wiped my tears, tore up the note and slipped the knife slowly back into the drawer.

It was there - while sweeping up the remains of a vase I had broken during my arm flailing rant at the gods for hating me - I realized...if I wanted a Captain America shield, I could have a Captain America shield!

Although the letter of the law stated, “satellite dish”…the spirit of the law stated, “be creative!” So, jacked up like the Energizer Bunny on Duracell, I ran over to my recycling bin.

A few hours later, I not only had my Captain America shield…

I WAS Captain America!

Have a good one,

Go To How to Make a Captain America Shield from a Satellite Dish

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