Wednesday, April 27, 2011

10 Reasons I Should Be Invited To The Royal Wedding...with Joss Stone

We are two days away from the greatest wedding in the history of the entire world!

That’s right. You heard me.

GREATEST wedding in the HISTORY of the ENTIRE world!

So, with it being such an epic occasion, I certainly understand why some people are quite upset about not being invited.

Take singer, songwriter Lily Allen for one.

I mean, she sang at the 2007 Memorial Concert for Diana (mother of the groom and best princess ever) AND…she’s English.

Slam dunk, you say?


To add insult to injury, Miss Allen’s “rival”, Joss Stone (who also sang at the concert…and is English), has been granted a golden ticket to sit within earshot of the historic vows.

Is anyone surprised Lily went ballistic over the apparent snub? Not me.

If I had sung at that concert and was English and hadn’t been invited to this monumental ceremony…but my nemesis had…well, I’d have spit out of my tea, thrown a scone or two, burned my “Prince William” calendars and unleashed an anger fuelled rant longer than the British Monarchy blood-line.

How do I know?

Because, even though I didn’t sing (let alone the attend) the concert, I’m not English (in the “From England” way) and, as far as I know, my rival (Taylor Swift) isn’t going…I responded in similar fashion a few days ago.

You see, after 18 consecutive nights of sleeping beside our mailbox, it finally sunk in. I wasn’t getting an invite to the Royal Wedding.

Once the paralyzing sorrow passed, I refused to roll up the rim on my Tim Horton’s hot chocolate cup, threw a Nanaimo Bar to the ground, burned my “Artist formerly known as Prince” calendars and unleashed an anger fuelled rant longer than the list of Canadians in the Hockey Hall of Fame.

It wasn’t pretty.

I really wanted to go.

But, rather than sulk about it...I’ve decided to be proactive. It may be too little too late, and I could still end up watching the ceremony on TV (curled up in my Princess Kate PJ’s) but I’m not going down without a fight.

So, for anyone who cares…here’s my final plea:

(who is a better singer than Joss Stone & more English than you know)

1. I have the same last name as Susan Boyle.
2. I ABSOLUTELY PROMISE never to refer to Kate as HRH (Her Royal Hotness)...around William.
3. I’ve watched Spice World over 20 times. Posh rules!...under the Queen, of course.
4. I once saw David Beckham kick a soccer ball in a YouTube clip…at least I think it was him.
5. I’d emcee the reception for a box of scones and a picture with Kate.
6. I prefer tea over coffee. Me and Earl Grey are buddies.
7. I dropped French classes as soon as the opportunity presented itself.
8. I’ve read the palace rulebook from cover to cover…and apply them in my home.
9. I know most of the lyrics to Candle in the Wind…and can almost hum the entire chorus.
10. I don’t like Lily Allen, either.

I'll book my flight...

Have a good one,

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  1. Sorry for your lack of a royal invitation. I wasn't invited either. The nerve.

    I've already got it scheduled to record so I'll watch every moment complete with the terribly stimulating English commentary. That'll show them.

  2. There is still hope. If only the Queen will see this post.

  3. I've pulled every non-existent string to get you there, Tim (also the name of a famous English character, hello? Tiny Tim?), but alas, my connections only go so far. I'm sorry to have failed our friendship on such a monumental level.

    I'll get to work on the all expense paid, first-class trip to the olympics for you. I'm sure they won't snub you twice.

  4. Did it ever occur to you that God is protecting the world by preventing your appearance at the Royal Wedding. He does work in mysterious ways. Just think about it. How many ways could you offend the Royals - at least a dozen - within the first 5 minutes. I think there is enough turmoil and strife right now, so the best place IS probably in your jammies on the couch. We would all feel a little better if you would commit to that.

  5. Lisa...agreed. It's not my fault my country makes me learn it.

    DL...I forgive you for failing our friendship on such a monumental level.

    RR...I can't commit to that. So many people to offend. So little time.


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