Friday, December 21, 2012

The Mayans Left Me With A Limp And A Lotta Corn!


Well, that’s the last time I listen to the Mayans.

I kept myself very busy on the “supposed” last day of the world…and it was all for naught.  Here’s how I spent my time as the doomsday clocked ticked down:

Dec. 20, 2012

5:00am – Woke up to my personalized alarm: R.E.M’s It’s the End of World As We Know It.

5:15am – Opened the emergency pantry a day early and ate breakfast.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn. 

6:00am – Started my morning radio show…pretending it wasn’t my last. 

8:28am – Sobbed uncontrollably on-air.  Said it was because I had something in my eye.

8:56am – Signed off with a blatant lie that I’d be back tomorrow morning.

9:03am – Gave the station’s "Doubting Thomas" a Mayans R Smart T-Shirt as a “going away present”.

9:31am - Stood on a street corner with my home-made sign, “Honk if you like the end of the world”.  No one honked.

11:45am – Ate lunch.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn.

12:12pm – Manned a lemonade stand to raise money for any underground civilization which will miraculously survive the earth exploding.  $2.10 isn’t much…but at least it’s something.  

3:00pm - Got my hair cut. 

3:36pm – Called my parents to tell them I loved them.  Got the answering machine.

4:25pm – Finished my message.

4:40pm – Received a call from my parents.  They saw I had called…but didn’t listen to the message.  I repeated it.

5:03pm – Pretty sure the phone line went dead.  I’m sure they wouldn’t have hung up on me…just as I was getting to the good part.

5:20pm – Deposited $1.60 (I was 50 cents short at the barber) into my Mayan Prophecy Relief Fund bank account. 

6:05pm – Ate dinner.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn.

6:47pm – Gathered my wife & kids for one final family game of Twister.

6:48pm – Strained my right calf trying to step over my son to the red dot. 

6:52pm – Got scolded by my wife for blaming my son.  I still think he moved.

7:15pm – Debated inwardly between watching PVR’d episodes of The Voice or X-Factor.

8:41pm – Decided on The Voice.

8:43pm – Flipped over to X-Factor.  I had forgotten which one had Britney Spears.

10:00pm – Treated myself to a late night snack.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn.

10:15pm – Ran to the store to get 4 bottles of water and 4 cans of creamed corn to restock the emergency pantry.

10:46pm – Checked over my list of things to do before the end of the world.  Other than having never ridden a Giraffe, I have no regrets.

11:00pm – Got off the phone with the local zoo.  There will be no Giraffe riding for me.

11:05pm – Partied like it was 1999.

11:09pm – Strained my right calf. 

11:59pm – Started my countdown to ‘till the end of the world.

12:00am – Hugged my wife…and waited for the explosion.

12:08am – Limped to bed very disappointed...and wondering what I’m going to do with all that creamed corn.

Have a good one,
Timmy 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

My Story...And I'm Sticking To It!


There are some places in this world which are firmly entrenched on the “Must see before you die…or become too old and lose your ability to enjoy life” list.

The top 5 on my list would include…

The Bat Cave, Smurf Village, GI JOE Headquarters, Cybertron and The Crabby Patty.

Unfortunately, as of yet, I’ve never been able to visit any of those legendary locales.  It’s mainly due to finances and partly due to the seemingly un-bridgeable gap between the world of reality and the land of fantasy…but mainly finances. 

The two biggest secrets in life remain:
1)      How do you get the caramel into the caramel bar?
2)      How did Mr. Rogers get to the Neighbourhood of Make-Believe?

Since I have yet to crack the code or come up with enough funds to buy the answer from Cadbury – whom I believe holds the keys to both secrets – I decided do the best with what is available to me.

So, for our vacation, my wife and I chose to visit the closest thing to a fantasy world our real world has to offer.

The City of Lights! (no…not Paris)
The City That Never Sleeps! (no…not New York)
the City of Sin! (no…not Hell, Michigan).

We’re talking the one and only…

Buford, Wyoming!

Then we discovered it had no hotels…so we tried Las Vegas.

In our brief stay I was exposed to so many lights, I was able to see in the dark for days after returning home.  The phrase “Good night” was never uttered…nor was “Good Morning”, for that matter.  As for sin, I had a great time…without sinning.  Surprise.  Surprise.

I really wish I could present a detailed account of our stay in Vegas, but…“What happens in Vegas…Stays in Vegas.”

Seriously. 

We signed a confidentiality contract at the airport upon landing, our true vacation itinerary was disposed of at one of the many VMI (Vegas Memories Incineration) stations and a standard “What I did in Vegas” form was handed to us to personalize.

So, here (according to official documentation) is what I did in Vegas.


That’s my story…and I’m sticking to it.  Viva, Las Vegas.            

Have a good one,
Timmy

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Dear Anne Hathaway...I Can Help You!


I would have played a footstool in this movie.
                                    - Anne Hathaway


Dear Anne,

I am so sorry your desire to be a footstool in “The Dark Knight Rises” was not fulfilled. 

However, having recently watched and enjoyed the movie, I offer my congratulations on being part of that epic franchise.  And, despite settling on the lesser role of Selina Kyle, you played Catwoman so amazingly well…I don’t even remember who played the footstool! 

Your filmography proves many times over, you are talented enough to play whatever role presents it self. Clearly, if you, Anne Hathaway, dream of playing a footstool…you could be an awesome footstool…in ANY movie!  So, where did it go wrong? 

Since I was not invited to your audition sessions I’m not exactly sure what caused the plan to go south. 

Did you wholeheartedly audition for “Footstool” only to lose out to a more determined actor/actress?  If so…keep your head up.  Those things happen.

Had you forgotten the wise adage to “Keep it simple”?  Overplaying the simple footstool in an attempt to be a multi-purpose storage/coffee table/footstool is a classic mistake.   

Were you simply unprepared mentally?  What was the footstool’s motivation?  Where did the footstool come from?  Was the footstool happy?  Crucial questions for any role.

Whatever the reason, I’m sure you’ve learned a lesson or two for the next time you pursue credit as an inanimate object.  It’s not as easy as it looks.

Anne, I believe in dreams. I believe in you. I’d like to help…and I believe I can!

“But how?” you ask.

Been there.  Done that.

The name is Timmy Boyle.  Yes, that’s right.  THAT Timmy Boyle…or Mr. Inanimate Object, as my Hollywood contemporaries refer to me.




I learned the magic pose in my elementary school playground, perfected it in the halls of my high school, and monetized it in Hollywood.  As an inanimate object, I’ve shared the big screen with the likes of Tom Hanks and have appeared in more iconic movie images than any other actor.

If you really want to be a footstool, Anne…talk to me.  My credits speak for themselves. 
  

Starring Dee Wallace, Peter Coyote, Henry Thomas...
and Timmy Boyle as The Moon

Starring Tom Hanks, Gary Sinise...
and Timmy Boyle as The Bench.

Starring Ralph Macchio, Noriyuki "Pat " Morita...
and Timmy Boyle as The Post

Starring the voice talents of Jodi Benson...
and Timmy Boyle as The Rock

And of course...I'm a fellow Batman alumnus

Starring Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson...
and Timmy Boyle as The Bat Signal


Anne,
Call me!    

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Who Needs Real News? Clooney's Going Bald!


While standing in line at the grocery store, I often take a few minutes to scan the magazine racks.  I’m always looking for those important news items which are absolutely needed to successfully navigate this crazy thing called, “Snooki”.

Sorry, I meant “Life”…I don’t know where that came from.

Anyways, every once in a while, I come across a virtual gold mine of juicy required knowledge.  Well, today is the day!





These racks are filled with so much treasure I feel I’ve hit the cultural jackpot.  And, even better, I’m going to have a little longer than normal to sift through it all.  A quick estimate would suggest it’ll take ten minutes to bag and carry our groceries to the car…if my wife works non-stop.

Take your time, Princess!  I’m gonna be a while.”
  
Since some gifts are never meant to be kept for ones self, I will now share with you some of the gems which stand before me.

Did you know Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Barr has cellulite?  Yes, THAT Roseanne.  Hard to believe, but a picture is worth a thousand words and there she is…wearing a greyish one-piece, ankle deep in water, with so much cellulite even the paparazzi’s super long range lens could pick it up. Riveting.

Were you aware Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were splitting up? If my calculations are correct, according to previous credible sources, this would be the 17th time over the last five months.  Some sort of record, for sure. Incredible!   

Breaking news!  Justin Bieber was seen in a restaurant…eating!  And not just “eating”…he was eating with someone.  And not just “someone”…he was with Selena Gomez!  The Beibs eats…AND likes girls.  Amazing! 

And the astounding insights continue to flow!  “Keep bagging, Dear!  You’re doing great.”         
What’s that?  Tom Cruise did something odd?  That’s weird.  Those Scientologists seem so conservative. 

Madonna flaunted her sexuality during a concert, Princess Kate may or may not be pregnant and new evidence suggests The Beatles may have dabbled in...drugs!

My head is spinning!  “Don’t strain your back, Honey!  Take two trips if you need to.”

Actors addicted to cocaine!?  Athletes having illicit sex!?  Musicians playing…Rock & Roll!?  Tell me it’s not so!

Another “legend” is close to death!  He’s only 97!  How did I not see that coming?   

"Paris Hilton might be talent-less"!?  C’mon…is this stuff legit? 

What in the world would I do without this information? “Sweetie…you dropped something…”

Get out!  Lindsay Lohan’s been arrested!

You’re kidding me!  Jesus has already returned?

WHOA!  President Obama is black!
  
I think my mind is going to explode…just like that grocery bag.  “Always double bag the milk, Precious. It’s okay…go get another one.”

Stop the press! Who’s that?

Do my eyes deceive me? No!  The cover girl is an almost unrecognizable Taylor Swift.  The sweetheart of country music is not wearing any make-up! Apparently this issue contains many pictures of makeup-less celebrities.

My number one shopping rule: It’s not an impulse buy…if it’s a genuine need.

Baby, do you have $7.50?”





Tuesday, June 26, 2012

My Golf Day: 119 Shots...3 Dead, 2 Wounded.

THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

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Sunday, June 17, 2012

Anatomy of a Dad (not for the faint of heart)




Although I believe my diagram, in and of itself, is an incredibly helpful tool for understanding the complexity of fatherhood, I decided to include some commentary for those who are a little overwhelmed by the image.

Everything has a purpose.  As a parent of three children aged 9, 14 & 18 (not necessarily in that order), I've discovered reasons behind each of the primary anatomical features of a dad.  Here they are (in no particular order):


Reasons for the Primary Anatomical Features of a Dad


HAND

Early Years: for holding the 47 "most special" rocks his child found at the beach that day.

Later Years: for giving his child the 47 "most special" dollars dad earned each day.


EYE

Early: for witnessing his child spontaneously pull off their pants in front of the dinner guests...again.

Later: for witnessing his child spontaneously show up for dinner...finally.


HAIR


Early: for the times his child makes him frustrated.  It's easier to pull out hair then to pull off limbs.


Later: See above




NOSE 

Early: for locating where his child peed in their room.


Later: for making sure his child has no weed in their room. 




MOUTH


Early: for tasting a very colourful, and probably lethal, "special" drink offered to him by his child made from various liquid substances found around the kitchen...and backyard.


Later: for wondering out loud what "special" drink your self-professed mature child consumed to cause them to take part in yet another completely non-sensical act of immaturity.




EAR 


Early: for hearing his child speak...for the first time.


Later: for hearing his child sneak in...for the first and LAST time!




FINGER 


Early: for pointing out where his child should put the plate they've innocently left on the couch.


Later: for pointing out where his child should put the plate they've innocently left on the couch...for the 10,000th time!!!




ARM 


Early: for carrying his child because their little legs are so tired after their devastatingly hard 45 second walk.


Later: for lifting his child's tired legs off the glass coffee table after their devastatingly hard 3 hour work shift.




FOOT


Early: for solidifying himself as a superhero by occasionally stepping on spiders in his child's bedroom before kissing them goodnight. 


Later: for solidifying himself as superhuman by emerging alive from the teenage toxic landfill of dirty clothes, dishes and that strange musty odour, after kissing his child goodnight.




LEG


Early: for dragging a screaming, leg-clinging, empty-handed, spoiled child from the toy store back to the car.


Later: for kicking a dragging, sulking, empty-handed, spoiled child from the computer store back to the car.




UNDERARM HAIR

Early: N/A

Later: for frustration relief...after complete balding has occurred.



Please share this with the dad's in your world.  They'll thank you.

Happy Father's Day,
Timmy

Monday, June 4, 2012

"Charlize vs. Kristen": The Magic Mirror said WHAT?!


This post will probably offend the following:

- Kristen Stewart, 
- Kristen Stewart's family & friends, 
- Kristen Stewart's fan club, 
- Robert Pattinson,
- The Casting Director for "Snow White and the Huntsman
- People who believe every woman is equally "fair".



Timmy’s Top Ten…
Reasons the Magic Mirror said Kristen Stewart was fairer than Charlize Theron.


  1. “Magic Mirror” is just a stage name. His given name: Robert Pattinson.
  2. Took one too many shots to the frame during his UFC days.
  3. Doesn’t have a thing for supermodel-like women.
  4. The last time he saw Charlize...she was a miner in “North Country”.

     5.  Developed severe cataracts a few years back, but kept it secret lest he be fired. 
     6.  Magic just simply isn’t what it used to be. 
     7.  Reverse Psychololy:  He wanted Snow White dead!
     8.  A case of mistaken identity.  He meant to say the cute muscular girl with the stunning long blond (albeit dirty) hair who is sent to kill Snow White.

     
     
     9.  He’s actually just a regular ol’ mirror…and can’t see squat!
   10.  It was a joke, people!  He didn’t think anyone would actually take him seriously. 

Have a good one,
Timmy
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