Tuesday, June 26, 2012

My Golf Day: 119 Shots...3 Dead, 2 Wounded.

THIS ENTRY IS IN A BETTER PLACE

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Sunday, June 17, 2012

Anatomy of a Dad (not for the faint of heart)




Although I believe my diagram, in and of itself, is an incredibly helpful tool for understanding the complexity of fatherhood, I decided to include some commentary for those who are a little overwhelmed by the image.

Everything has a purpose.  As a parent of three children aged 9, 14 & 18 (not necessarily in that order), I've discovered reasons behind each of the primary anatomical features of a dad.  Here they are (in no particular order):


Reasons for the Primary Anatomical Features of a Dad


HAND

Early Years: for holding the 47 "most special" rocks his child found at the beach that day.

Later Years: for giving his child the 47 "most special" dollars dad earned each day.


EYE

Early: for witnessing his child spontaneously pull off their pants in front of the dinner guests...again.

Later: for witnessing his child spontaneously show up for dinner...finally.


HAIR


Early: for the times his child makes him frustrated.  It's easier to pull out hair then to pull off limbs.


Later: See above




NOSE 

Early: for locating where his child peed in their room.


Later: for making sure his child has no weed in their room. 




MOUTH


Early: for tasting a very colourful, and probably lethal, "special" drink offered to him by his child made from various liquid substances found around the kitchen...and backyard.


Later: for wondering out loud what "special" drink your self-professed mature child consumed to cause them to take part in yet another completely non-sensical act of immaturity.




EAR 


Early: for hearing his child speak...for the first time.


Later: for hearing his child sneak in...for the first and LAST time!




FINGER 


Early: for pointing out where his child should put the plate they've innocently left on the couch.


Later: for pointing out where his child should put the plate they've innocently left on the couch...for the 10,000th time!!!




ARM 


Early: for carrying his child because their little legs are so tired after their devastatingly hard 45 second walk.


Later: for lifting his child's tired legs off the glass coffee table after their devastatingly hard 3 hour work shift.




FOOT


Early: for solidifying himself as a superhero by occasionally stepping on spiders in his child's bedroom before kissing them goodnight. 


Later: for solidifying himself as superhuman by emerging alive from the teenage toxic landfill of dirty clothes, dishes and that strange musty odour, after kissing his child goodnight.




LEG


Early: for dragging a screaming, leg-clinging, empty-handed, spoiled child from the toy store back to the car.


Later: for kicking a dragging, sulking, empty-handed, spoiled child from the computer store back to the car.




UNDERARM HAIR

Early: N/A

Later: for frustration relief...after complete balding has occurred.



Please share this with the dad's in your world.  They'll thank you.

Happy Father's Day,
Timmy

Monday, June 4, 2012

"Charlize vs. Kristen": The Magic Mirror said WHAT?!


This post will probably offend the following:

- Kristen Stewart, 
- Kristen Stewart's family & friends, 
- Kristen Stewart's fan club, 
- Robert Pattinson,
- The Casting Director for "Snow White and the Huntsman
- People who believe every woman is equally "fair".



Timmy’s Top Ten…
Reasons the Magic Mirror said Kristen Stewart was fairer than Charlize Theron.


  1. “Magic Mirror” is just a stage name. His given name: Robert Pattinson.
  2. Took one too many shots to the frame during his UFC days.
  3. Doesn’t have a thing for supermodel-like women.
  4. The last time he saw Charlize...she was a miner in “North Country”.

     5.  Developed severe cataracts a few years back, but kept it secret lest he be fired. 
     6.  Magic just simply isn’t what it used to be. 
     7.  Reverse Psychololy:  He wanted Snow White dead!
     8.  A case of mistaken identity.  He meant to say the cute muscular girl with the stunning long blond (albeit dirty) hair who is sent to kill Snow White.

     
     
     9.  He’s actually just a regular ol’ mirror…and can’t see squat!
   10.  It was a joke, people!  He didn’t think anyone would actually take him seriously. 

Have a good one,
Timmy
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