Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Dear Anne Hathaway...I Can Help You!

I would have played a footstool in this movie.
                                    - Anne Hathaway

Dear Anne,

I am so sorry your desire to be a footstool in “The Dark Knight Rises” was not fulfilled. 

However, having recently watched and enjoyed the movie, I offer my congratulations on being part of that epic franchise.  And, despite settling on the lesser role of Selina Kyle, you played Catwoman so amazingly well…I don’t even remember who played the footstool! 

Your filmography proves many times over, you are talented enough to play whatever role presents it self. Clearly, if you, Anne Hathaway, dream of playing a footstool…you could be an awesome footstool…in ANY movie!  So, where did it go wrong? 

Since I was not invited to your audition sessions I’m not exactly sure what caused the plan to go south. 

Did you wholeheartedly audition for “Footstool” only to lose out to a more determined actor/actress?  If so…keep your head up.  Those things happen.

Had you forgotten the wise adage to “Keep it simple”?  Overplaying the simple footstool in an attempt to be a multi-purpose storage/coffee table/footstool is a classic mistake.   

Were you simply unprepared mentally?  What was the footstool’s motivation?  Where did the footstool come from?  Was the footstool happy?  Crucial questions for any role.

Whatever the reason, I’m sure you’ve learned a lesson or two for the next time you pursue credit as an inanimate object.  It’s not as easy as it looks.

Anne, I believe in dreams. I believe in you. I’d like to help…and I believe I can!

“But how?” you ask.

Been there.  Done that.

The name is Timmy Boyle.  Yes, that’s right.  THAT Timmy Boyle…or Mr. Inanimate Object, as my Hollywood contemporaries refer to me.

I learned the magic pose in my elementary school playground, perfected it in the halls of my high school, and monetized it in Hollywood.  As an inanimate object, I’ve shared the big screen with the likes of Tom Hanks and have appeared in more iconic movie images than any other actor.

If you really want to be a footstool, Anne…talk to me.  My credits speak for themselves. 

Starring Dee Wallace, Peter Coyote, Henry Thomas...
and Timmy Boyle as The Moon

Starring Tom Hanks, Gary Sinise...
and Timmy Boyle as The Bench.

Starring Ralph Macchio, Noriyuki "Pat " Morita...
and Timmy Boyle as The Post

Starring the voice talents of Jodi Benson...
and Timmy Boyle as The Rock

And of course...I'm a fellow Batman alumnus

Starring Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson...
and Timmy Boyle as The Bat Signal

Call me!    

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Who Needs Real News? Clooney's Going Bald!

While standing in line at the grocery store, I often take a few minutes to scan the magazine racks.  I’m always looking for those important news items which are absolutely needed to successfully navigate this crazy thing called, “Snooki”.

Sorry, I meant “Life”…I don’t know where that came from.

Anyways, every once in a while, I come across a virtual gold mine of juicy required knowledge.  Well, today is the day!

These racks are filled with so much treasure I feel I’ve hit the cultural jackpot.  And, even better, I’m going to have a little longer than normal to sift through it all.  A quick estimate would suggest it’ll take ten minutes to bag and carry our groceries to the car…if my wife works non-stop.

Take your time, Princess!  I’m gonna be a while.”
Since some gifts are never meant to be kept for ones self, I will now share with you some of the gems which stand before me.

Did you know Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Barr has cellulite?  Yes, THAT Roseanne.  Hard to believe, but a picture is worth a thousand words and there she is…wearing a greyish one-piece, ankle deep in water, with so much cellulite even the paparazzi’s super long range lens could pick it up. Riveting.

Were you aware Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were splitting up? If my calculations are correct, according to previous credible sources, this would be the 17th time over the last five months.  Some sort of record, for sure. Incredible!   

Breaking news!  Justin Bieber was seen in a restaurant…eating!  And not just “eating”…he was eating with someone.  And not just “someone”…he was with Selena Gomez!  The Beibs eats…AND likes girls.  Amazing! 

And the astounding insights continue to flow!  “Keep bagging, Dear!  You’re doing great.”         
What’s that?  Tom Cruise did something odd?  That’s weird.  Those Scientologists seem so conservative. 

Madonna flaunted her sexuality during a concert, Princess Kate may or may not be pregnant and new evidence suggests The Beatles may have dabbled in...drugs!

My head is spinning!  “Don’t strain your back, Honey!  Take two trips if you need to.”

Actors addicted to cocaine!?  Athletes having illicit sex!?  Musicians playing…Rock & Roll!?  Tell me it’s not so!

Another “legend” is close to death!  He’s only 97!  How did I not see that coming?   

"Paris Hilton might be talent-less"!?  C’mon…is this stuff legit? 

What in the world would I do without this information? “Sweetie…you dropped something…”

Get out!  Lindsay Lohan’s been arrested!

You’re kidding me!  Jesus has already returned?

WHOA!  President Obama is black!
I think my mind is going to explode…just like that grocery bag.  “Always double bag the milk, Precious. It’s okay…go get another one.”

Stop the press! Who’s that?

Do my eyes deceive me? No!  The cover girl is an almost unrecognizable Taylor Swift.  The sweetheart of country music is not wearing any make-up! Apparently this issue contains many pictures of makeup-less celebrities.

My number one shopping rule: It’s not an impulse buy…if it’s a genuine need.

Baby, do you have $7.50?”

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