Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Who Needs Real News? Clooney's Going Bald!

While standing in line at the grocery store, I often take a few minutes to scan the magazine racks.  I’m always looking for those important news items which are absolutely needed to successfully navigate this crazy thing called, “Snooki”.

Sorry, I meant “Life”…I don’t know where that came from.

Anyways, every once in a while, I come across a virtual gold mine of juicy required knowledge.  Well, today is the day!

These racks are filled with so much treasure I feel I’ve hit the cultural jackpot.  And, even better, I’m going to have a little longer than normal to sift through it all.  A quick estimate would suggest it’ll take ten minutes to bag and carry our groceries to the car…if my wife works non-stop.

Take your time, Princess!  I’m gonna be a while.”
Since some gifts are never meant to be kept for ones self, I will now share with you some of the gems which stand before me.

Did you know Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Barr has cellulite?  Yes, THAT Roseanne.  Hard to believe, but a picture is worth a thousand words and there she is…wearing a greyish one-piece, ankle deep in water, with so much cellulite even the paparazzi’s super long range lens could pick it up. Riveting.

Were you aware Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were splitting up? If my calculations are correct, according to previous credible sources, this would be the 17th time over the last five months.  Some sort of record, for sure. Incredible!   

Breaking news!  Justin Bieber was seen in a restaurant…eating!  And not just “eating”…he was eating with someone.  And not just “someone”…he was with Selena Gomez!  The Beibs eats…AND likes girls.  Amazing! 

And the astounding insights continue to flow!  “Keep bagging, Dear!  You’re doing great.”         
What’s that?  Tom Cruise did something odd?  That’s weird.  Those Scientologists seem so conservative. 

Madonna flaunted her sexuality during a concert, Princess Kate may or may not be pregnant and new evidence suggests The Beatles may have dabbled in...drugs!

My head is spinning!  “Don’t strain your back, Honey!  Take two trips if you need to.”

Actors addicted to cocaine!?  Athletes having illicit sex!?  Musicians playing…Rock & Roll!?  Tell me it’s not so!

Another “legend” is close to death!  He’s only 97!  How did I not see that coming?   

"Paris Hilton might be talent-less"!?  C’mon…is this stuff legit? 

What in the world would I do without this information? “Sweetie…you dropped something…”

Get out!  Lindsay Lohan’s been arrested!

You’re kidding me!  Jesus has already returned?

WHOA!  President Obama is black!
I think my mind is going to explode…just like that grocery bag.  “Always double bag the milk, Precious. It’s okay…go get another one.”

Stop the press! Who’s that?

Do my eyes deceive me? No!  The cover girl is an almost unrecognizable Taylor Swift.  The sweetheart of country music is not wearing any make-up! Apparently this issue contains many pictures of makeup-less celebrities.

My number one shopping rule: It’s not an impulse buy…if it’s a genuine need.

Baby, do you have $7.50?”

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