Friday, December 21, 2012

The Mayans Left Me With A Limp And A Lotta Corn!


Well, that’s the last time I listen to the Mayans.

I kept myself very busy on the “supposed” last day of the world…and it was all for naught.  Here’s how I spent my time as the doomsday clocked ticked down:

Dec. 20, 2012

5:00am – Woke up to my personalized alarm: R.E.M’s It’s the End of World As We Know It.

5:15am – Opened the emergency pantry a day early and ate breakfast.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn. 

6:00am – Started my morning radio show…pretending it wasn’t my last. 

8:28am – Sobbed uncontrollably on-air.  Said it was because I had something in my eye.

8:56am – Signed off with a blatant lie that I’d be back tomorrow morning.

9:03am – Gave the station’s "Doubting Thomas" a Mayans R Smart T-Shirt as a “going away present”.

9:31am - Stood on a street corner with my home-made sign, “Honk if you like the end of the world”.  No one honked.

11:45am – Ate lunch.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn.

12:12pm – Manned a lemonade stand to raise money for any underground civilization which will miraculously survive the earth exploding.  $2.10 isn’t much…but at least it’s something.  

3:00pm - Got my hair cut. 

3:36pm – Called my parents to tell them I loved them.  Got the answering machine.

4:25pm – Finished my message.

4:40pm – Received a call from my parents.  They saw I had called…but didn’t listen to the message.  I repeated it.

5:03pm – Pretty sure the phone line went dead.  I’m sure they wouldn’t have hung up on me…just as I was getting to the good part.

5:20pm – Deposited $1.60 (I was 50 cents short at the barber) into my Mayan Prophecy Relief Fund bank account. 

6:05pm – Ate dinner.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn.

6:47pm – Gathered my wife & kids for one final family game of Twister.

6:48pm – Strained my right calf trying to step over my son to the red dot. 

6:52pm – Got scolded by my wife for blaming my son.  I still think he moved.

7:15pm – Debated inwardly between watching PVR’d episodes of The Voice or X-Factor.

8:41pm – Decided on The Voice.

8:43pm – Flipped over to X-Factor.  I had forgotten which one had Britney Spears.

10:00pm – Treated myself to a late night snack.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn.

10:15pm – Ran to the store to get 4 bottles of water and 4 cans of creamed corn to restock the emergency pantry.

10:46pm – Checked over my list of things to do before the end of the world.  Other than having never ridden a Giraffe, I have no regrets.

11:00pm – Got off the phone with the local zoo.  There will be no Giraffe riding for me.

11:05pm – Partied like it was 1999.

11:09pm – Strained my right calf. 

11:59pm – Started my countdown to ‘till the end of the world.

12:00am – Hugged my wife…and waited for the explosion.

12:08am – Limped to bed very disappointed...and wondering what I’m going to do with all that creamed corn.

Have a good one,
Timmy 
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