Friday, December 21, 2012

The Mayans Left Me With A Limp And A Lotta Corn!


Well, that’s the last time I listen to the Mayans.

I kept myself very busy on the “supposed” last day of the world…and it was all for naught.  Here’s how I spent my time as the doomsday clocked ticked down:

Dec. 20, 2012

5:00am – Woke up to my personalized alarm: R.E.M’s It’s the End of World As We Know It.

5:15am – Opened the emergency pantry a day early and ate breakfast.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn. 

6:00am – Started my morning radio show…pretending it wasn’t my last. 

8:28am – Sobbed uncontrollably on-air.  Said it was because I had something in my eye.

8:56am – Signed off with a blatant lie that I’d be back tomorrow morning.

9:03am – Gave the station’s "Doubting Thomas" a Mayans R Smart T-Shirt as a “going away present”.

9:31am - Stood on a street corner with my home-made sign, “Honk if you like the end of the world”.  No one honked.

11:45am – Ate lunch.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn.

12:12pm – Manned a lemonade stand to raise money for any underground civilization which will miraculously survive the earth exploding.  $2.10 isn’t much…but at least it’s something.  

3:00pm - Got my hair cut. 

3:36pm – Called my parents to tell them I loved them.  Got the answering machine.

4:25pm – Finished my message.

4:40pm – Received a call from my parents.  They saw I had called…but didn’t listen to the message.  I repeated it.

5:03pm – Pretty sure the phone line went dead.  I’m sure they wouldn’t have hung up on me…just as I was getting to the good part.

5:20pm – Deposited $1.60 (I was 50 cents short at the barber) into my Mayan Prophecy Relief Fund bank account. 

6:05pm – Ate dinner.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn.

6:47pm – Gathered my wife & kids for one final family game of Twister.

6:48pm – Strained my right calf trying to step over my son to the red dot. 

6:52pm – Got scolded by my wife for blaming my son.  I still think he moved.

7:15pm – Debated inwardly between watching PVR’d episodes of The Voice or X-Factor.

8:41pm – Decided on The Voice.

8:43pm – Flipped over to X-Factor.  I had forgotten which one had Britney Spears.

10:00pm – Treated myself to a late night snack.  A bottle of water & a can of creamed corn.

10:15pm – Ran to the store to get 4 bottles of water and 4 cans of creamed corn to restock the emergency pantry.

10:46pm – Checked over my list of things to do before the end of the world.  Other than having never ridden a Giraffe, I have no regrets.

11:00pm – Got off the phone with the local zoo.  There will be no Giraffe riding for me.

11:05pm – Partied like it was 1999.

11:09pm – Strained my right calf. 

11:59pm – Started my countdown to ‘till the end of the world.

12:00am – Hugged my wife…and waited for the explosion.

12:08am – Limped to bed very disappointed...and wondering what I’m going to do with all that creamed corn.

Have a good one,
Timmy 

4 comments:

  1. What is a PVR? Is that Canadian for DVR? :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. It is the repercussions the following day of eating so much corn that may have brought about the end of the world...to quote Fat Bastard "...but I didn't eat any corn!" Glad we all made it and the Mayans who couldn't predict their own doom got the last laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Joanne, we can only hope another doomsday will come again soon.

    Shane, yes...we have the PERSONAL Video Recorder. We Canadians like things to sound intimate and welcoming.

    Kathy, did corn kill the Mayans?

    ReplyDelete

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