My Golf Day: 119 Shots...3 Dead, 2 Wounded.

Golf , n. - "a game in which a player using special clubs attempts to sink a ball with as few strokes as possible into each of the 9 or 18 successive holes on a course.” 
-  Merriam-Webster Dictionary

It’s as simple as that, folks.

Just use your special clubs to sink the ball into some holes. 

What a relaxing game this “Golf” must be.

I haven’t golfed in over ten years.  Well, that’s not completely true.  The last decade has seen me conquer many a golf course using my special club to skilfully navigate balls up ramps, through windmills and around revolving Smurfs.  I even aced a hole, which probably caused lesser men to weep, by driving a ball deep into the mouth of a whale, out its spout, down its tail and over the trailing dolphin.  It was magical…if not heroic.

However, although these experiences fit the definition of golf to a tee (pause to laugh at this very intended pun), most “Golfers” don’t consider courses like Wally’s Whimsical Putt-Putt Forest actual golf.

Whatever.

Anyways, I recently went to Trillium Wood Golf Course - a large, beautiful golf course with a surprisingly high level of difficulty...despite not having a single swinging monkey to dodge or any 6-foot lollipops to weave your ball through.

Just a few hours before tee off, I unearthed my “big boy” golf bag from the basement.  Needless to say, after a decade of inactivity, my clubs looked…out of shape.

Here are some very revealing details about my bag and the ancient relics it contained:

There are eight “special” clubs, which includes two putters and two 3-woods…so, technically, there are only six.  Not exactly a full deck. 

-         The woods are actually made out of wood.  An outdated fire hazard for sure.   

-         My “set” consists of 4 different club manufacturers.  I'm waiting for an official sponsor.  

-         I have a six-iron which I thought was a nine-iron.  They shouldn’t make six-irons…it’s confusing.

-        There is a fat putter and a skinny putter…which, quite possibly, was stolen from Wally’s Whimsical Putt-Putt Forest.

-        The ever-present rust on the telescoping ball-retriever shows it took a dip or two in the past.

-        The dust bunnies were as big as golf balls…and numbered more than my last recorded golf score (129 – June 3, 1997).

When the time came to unzip the side pocket of this golf-bag shaped time capsule, I thought about recording an hour long video special leading up to the grand discovery…but then I remembered Geraldo Rivera and Al Capone’s vault.  Hence, no video.  I just opened it.

The verdict:  I should have filmed it.  I was clearly more successful than Rivera.


One dollar and seven cents, my friends!

And…

…a glove forever molded into a withered arthritic hand, a toxic hand cloth, tips about how to golf (which I appreciate, but don’t need) and a handful of those useless stubby pencils that even kindergarten teachers would throw out for being too short. 

However, my favourite find was the head of a 3-iron…which was (surprise, surprise) manufactured by a completely different company than all my other clubs. 

Where the shaft is will remain a mystery, but most likely it was broken off after connecting with a tree…either on the follow-through of an epic shot made out of the bush or after being whipped down the fairway in a fit of immature rage because I was losing.  I lean towards the first scenario…but we’ll never know.      

Okay…so how did the day go?

I'd describe my shots, in honour of the Scottish, as being a little off "kilt"er.  I left three dead and two seriously wounded but, using only my 7, 9 (or 6) and the fat putter, scored a 119.  I was ecstatic!  Sure, the death toll and final tally were both way over par...but they were also lower than my previous golf experiences.  

According to my memory I used to average 125 which was confirmed by the old score cards I found...proving my memory to be sharper than my golf game.

The lesson:  Don’t play golf…and you’ll get better!

You see, I knocked 6 shots off my typical round after roughly 10 years of golf exile. Therefore, if I don’t play golf for another 80 years...I’ll be awesome! 

I’ve booked my next tee time for my 120^th Birthday.  I’ll shoot 69…and retire from golf.

Have a good one,

Timmy

Anatomy of a Dad (not for the faint of heart)

Although I believe my diagram, in and of itself, is an incredibly helpful tool for understanding the complexity of fatherhood, I decided to include some commentary for those who are a little overwhelmed by the image.

Everything has a purpose.  As a parent of three children aged 9, 14 & 18 (not necessarily in that order), I've discovered reasons behind each of the primary anatomical features of a dad.  Here they are (in no particular order):

Reasons for the Primary Anatomical Features of a Dad

HAND

Early Years: for holding the 47 "most special" rocks his child found at the beach that day.

Later Years: for giving his child the 47 "most special" dollars dad earned each day.

EYE

Early: for witnessing his child spontaneously pull off their pants in front of the dinner guests...again.

Later: for witnessing his child spontaneously show up for dinner...finally.

HAIR

Early: for the times his child makes him frustrated.  It's easier to pull out hair then to pull off limbs.


Later: See above

NOSE 

Early: for locating where his child peed in their room.

Later: for making sure his child has no weed in their room. 

MOUTH

Early: for tasting a very colourful, and probably lethal, "special" drink offered to him by his child made from various liquid substances found around the kitchen...and backyard.


Later: for wondering out loud what "special" drink your self-professed mature child consumed to cause them to take part in yet another completely non-sensical act of immaturity.

EAR 

Early: for hearing his child speak...for the first time.


Later: for hearing his child sneak in...for the first and LAST time!

FINGER 

Early: for pointing out where his child should put the plate they've innocently left on the couch.


Later: for pointing out where his child should put the plate they've innocently left on the couch...for the 10,000th time!!!

ARM 

Early: for carrying his child because their little legs are so tired after their devastatingly hard 45 second walk.


Later: for lifting his child's tired legs off the glass coffee table after their devastatingly hard 3 hour work shift.

FOOT

Early: for solidifying himself as a superhero by occasionally stepping on spiders in his child's bedroom before kissing them goodnight. 


Later: for solidifying himself as superhuman by emerging alive from the teenage toxic landfill of dirty clothes, dishes and that strange musty odour, after kissing his child goodnight.

LEG

Early: for dragging a screaming, leg-clinging, empty-handed, spoiled child from the toy store back to the car.


Later: for kicking a dragging, sulking, empty-handed, spoiled child from the computer store back to the car.

UNDERARM HAIR

Early: N/A

Later: for frustration relief...after complete balding has occurred.

Please share this with the dad's in your world.  They'll thank you.

Happy Father's Day,

Timmy

"Charlize vs. Kristen": The Magic Mirror said WHAT?!

This post will probably offend the following:

- Kristen Stewart, 

- Kristen Stewart's family & friends, 

- Kristen Stewart's fan club, 

- Robert Pattinson,

- The Casting Director for "Snow White and the Huntsman" 

- People who believe every woman is equally "fair".

Timmy’s Top Ten…

Reasons the Magic Mirror said Kristen Stewart was fairer than Charlize Theron.

1. “Magic Mirror” is just a stage name. His given name: Robert Pattinson.
2. Took one too many shots to the frame during his UFC days.
3. Doesn’t have a thing for supermodel-like women.
4. The last time he saw Charlize...she was a miner in “North Country”.

     5.  Developed severe cataracts a few years back, but kept it secret lest he be fired. 

     6.  Magic just simply isn’t what it used to be. 

     7.  Reverse Psychololy:  He wanted Snow White dead!

     8.  A case of mistaken identity.  He meant to say the cute muscular girl with the stunning long blond (albeit dirty) hair who is sent to kill Snow White.

     

     

     9.  He’s actually just a regular ol’ mirror…and can’t see squat!

   10.  It was a joke, people!  He didn’t think anyone would actually take him seriously. 

Have a good one,

Timmy