Friday, August 23, 2013

Why is Timmy Boyle is on Social Media?


To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind



A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Monday, August 12, 2013

A Smurfin' Awesome Good Time!


I saw a sneak preview for Smurfs 3…and it was “Smurfin’ Awesome”!

Coming Soon Smurfs 3! Starring Timmy Boyle, Alyssa Milano, Brad Pitt, Ben Stiller & Bob Newhart as Papa Smurf

After only two movies the Smurf franchise was turning blue due to lack of oxygen...but with an all new All-Star cast, life has been breathed back in.  Long live the Smurfs!

Not since the Ocean’s trilogy ended in 2007 has there been an ensemble with this much comedic chemistry.  In fact, the repartee between Uber-Cool Smurf (voiced by Brad Pitt) & Insanely Clever Smurf (voiced by Timmy Boyle) is very reminiscent of Danny Ocean & Rusty Ryan of that legendary casino robbing team. 

However, unlike Ocean’s, neither of these men are running this show, because that distinction belongs to Papa “Bob” Smurf (voiced by Bob Newhart).  From the opening scene when “Bob”, in Newhart’s trade mark stutter, rally’s his little troops with “Let’s S-S-S-Smurf…” the audience is already laughing their blue tails off.

Although “Bob” wields the big stick, another Smurf is the glue which holds this group of 3 apple high misfits together.  Playing the classic “sane person surrounded by fools” role is the one who perfected it as Madagascar's Alex the Lion…Mr. Ben Stiller.  Not only does Focker Smurf cause a giggle every time he’s mentioned, but Stiller proves once again he is a straight man with no equals.

And, straight he is.  But, really, who wouldn't be when the spunky blonde bombshell from Brooklyn, Smurfette (voiced by Alyssa Milano) is lounging outside her mushroom every day checking her Twitter feed and perfecting her blue tan.  

Quite frankly, with Boyle, Ben, Bob & Brad…This B movie becomes an A because of Alyssa. 


The story begins with Smurfette getting a call to pose for Maxim.  It had been almost 15 Smurf years since she had been on the cover, so with Papa “Bob” Smurfs blessing she heads to New York.   

But, while picking berries in the forest, Uber-Cool Smurf over hears Evil Sorceror turned Casino owner, Gargamel (played by Andy Garcia) telling his cat Azrael that the Maxim photo shoot is just a ruse to capture Smurfette. 

This news from Uber-Cool spurs Insanely Clever Smurf - who has had a thing for Smurfette since he was a Smurfling – to devise an intricately brilliant plan to break into Gargamel’s Paris-based Casino and steal Smurfette back.

Then the magic happens.  

The action, comedy & dramatic twists that unfold will leave your heart pounding, your eyes watering & your cheeks hurting.  And just when you think the happy singing in Smurf Land is about to resume…the whole plan (despite being intricately brilliant) falls apart.  Uber-Cool Smurf has lost his swagger, Insanely Clever Smurf is baffled, Papa “Bob” Smurf my never walk again & Smurfette is doomed.  Until…Focker Smurf reveals an ace up his sleeve.  

Enter The Penguins.

The frantic pace of the final scene is hilarious, action packed & incredibly satisfying.  When the credits rolled no one wanted to leave the theatre.  Which was a good thing…because if you did, you’d have missed the surprise ending!  

Papa “Bob” Smurf wakes up next to Emily Hartley and discovers the entire experience was a dream.

The audience went nuts! 

Have a good one...and tell your friends.

Smurfs 3: Smurfin’ Awesome 
Thumbs Up: 5/5
Rating: R
Running Time: 420 minutes
Release Date: TBD

"Milano looks smurfalicious in blue!" - Maxim Magazine
"Newhart & Stiller will make you smurf 'till it hurts!" - Some guys blog    
 "Timmy & Pitt make a smurfingly brilliant combination!" - George Clooney 

Timmy Boyle – Insanely Clever Smurf
Alyssa Milano - Smurfette
Ben Stiller – Focker Smurf
Brad Pitt – Uber-Cool
Bob Newhart – Papa “Bob” Smurf

Other cast in order of appearance:
Hank Azaria - French Smurf, Line Cook Smurf, Hot Dog Vender Smurf, Dog Shampooer Smurf, Barista Smurf, Carnival Ride Operator Smurf, Hay Baler Smurf, Movie Usher Smurf, Black Jack Dealer Smurf, Grocery Store Bagger Smurf, Blogger Smurf, Sewing Machine Mechanic Smurf, Funeral Director Smurf, Tax Collector Smurf, Parking Lot Attendant Smurf, Crossing Guard Smurf, Telemarketer Smurf, Protester Smurf, Data Entry Smurf, Pest Control Smurf, Travel Agent Smurf, Financial Advisor Smurf, Blood Donor Smurf, Random Smurf.  
Andy Garcia - Gargamel
Hugh Jackman - Wolverine
Neil Patrick Harris - Man in suit 
Johnny Depp - Guy wearing white face paint sitting on bus
Tom Hanks - Man on bench eating chocolate
Jennifer Aniston - Girl with friends in coffee shop
Matthew Perry - Guy with friends in coffee shop
Courteney Cox - Girl with friends in coffee shop 
Lisa Kudrow - Girl with friends in coffee shop
Matt LeBlanc - Guy with friends in coffee shop
David Schwimmer - Guy with friends in coffee shop
George Clooney - Cool man with grey hair in the grocery store
Jack Nicholson - Older man wearing sunglasses watching women at the beach
Adam Sandler - as himself
Tom Cruise - Short man jumping on couch
Jim Carrey - Guy talking from his butt
Robert Downey Jr - Actor playing an Australian guy playing a black guy 
Bruce Willis - Bald man in bloody white shirt eating in deli
Nicolas Cage - Man washing his superman cape at the the dry cleaners
Ellen Degeneres - Woman dancing in street
Suzanne Pleshette - Emily Hartley

Friday, August 2, 2013

Timmy vs. The Lawnmower. No Mas! No Mas!

Timmy Boyle is oil.  Lawnmowers are water.  They simply don't mix.


To read this entry, and many other greats from the past,
you’ll need to buy a copy of the greatest collection of wit this side of Jupiter.

Timmys Book Inside Timmys Mind



A great gift for any literate person
A must for any coffee table or bathroom basket
A rock solid financial investment.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Hair Raising Wisdom From A New 40 Year Old

Just turned 40…and proud of it.

There was a time, during the peak of my youth, when I would look upon a 40 year old individual and marvel…

“How are they still alive!?”

Well, yesterday I entered my 5th decade alive & well.

Although my hair has thinned, receded ever so slightly and now sports a touch of grey, I am still more than capable, if I so choose, of growing a very big hair 80’s mullet.  Take that, young me!   

Timmy Boyle insidetimmysmind Up Standing Comedy

Now, for those who don’t feel the status of one’s hair is the ultimate assessment of graceful aging I present the following argument:

You don’t know squat!

I am very proud of turning 40 and eagerly anticipate the next decade because of everything the 40’s has to offer.  That being, physical & mental wellness wrapped neatly in four decades of acquired wisdom.

At 10 - I thought I had figured it all out…but I was wrong.
At 20 - I thought I had figured it all out…but I was wrong.
At 30 - I thought I had figured it all out…but I was wrong.
At 40 - I know I’ve figured it all out.

I’ve heard the Negative Nancy’s say things like, “It’s all down hill from here”, “40 is the new 60” and “Your hair has receded more than ‘slightly’”…but I refuse to listen.  You see, Negative Nancy’s who sit on the younger side of 30 are perceptionally challenged while those on the “mature” side fall into various levels of what most experts (mainly me) now refer to as, “bitterness”.

The 30 year old Negative Nancy is nervously bitter about eventually turning 40.
The 40 year old Negative Nancy is angrily bitter about having turned 40.
The 50 year old Negative Nancy is sarcastically bitter about passing 40.
The 60+ year old Negative Nancy is bitter…but no longer remembers why.

I have no time to listen to bitter souls.  I’m convinced life begins at 40 and plan, by using all of the lessons I have learned, on maximizing every moment of the 130 years I have left on this planet.

Kids, which is anyone under 40, gather round.  After compiling 480 months of life experience, here are:


1)  Life is great!  Bumps. Yep. Valleys. Yep. Curves. Yep.  Still great. 

2)  Treat everyone with respect.  They may be your future boss...or spouse…or science fair partner. 

3)  Political Correctness sucks.  Can I say that?   

4)  Never waste too much time doing something you hate.  So, if you don’t like this list…Get out now!   

5)  If you’ve never failed…you’ve failed.  Which, ironically, would make you a success.

6)  Kiss Negative Nancys goodbye…and don’t let the door hit them on the way out.

7)  Always carry pen & paper...because technology, at times, sucks more than political correctness.

8)  Carpe Diem!

9)  Learn Latin if you don’t know Carpe Diem means.

10)  Speedos are never the right answer.  Never.

11)  Laughter is an amazing gift.  Don’t ever let it gather dust.

12)  Parenting is way easier than we make it out to be.  Rule #1 - Love your kid.  Rule #2 – See rule #1.    

13)  Embrace silence.  It’s amazing what you hear when there is no sound.

14)  Desire authenticity, but understand everybody needs to wear a mask occasionally...even if it is just for Comic Con.

15)  Trustworthiness & teach-ability will always break the tie in academic equality.

16)  True freedom is found within reasonable restrictions.

17)  Respect your elders…especially those who just turned 40. 

18)  Learn from the past…or your future won’t look any better than your present.

19)  The customer is always valued…but not always right. 

20)  It never hurts to ask…unless you ask to get hit.

21)  Don’t hide the knife.  Teach how to use the knife responsibly.

22)  Life doesn’t move quickly.  You do.  Slow down!

23)  Remember: When you pray for rain, someone else might be praying for no rain.

24)  Celebrities pick their nose hairs one a time just like you & me.   

25)  Sometimes it looks better on paper…especially graph paper.

26)  You need way less than you think you need…unless you think you only need marsh-mellows.

27)  Have a plan…but don’t forget to plan for your plan to change unplanned.

28)  Nothing happens overnight…except dew.

29)  Don’t have regrets.  Have life lessons.

30)  Eat when you’re hungry.  Drink when you’re thirsty.  Minimize the sugar.

31)  Don’t take medication for problems that a change in lifestyle can fix.

32)  Dance like no one is watching.  In fact, take time to dance when no one is watching.

33)  Wear sunscreen.

34)  Don’t blame God (or life) for things you brought on yourself. 

35)  Boxer shorts cover more skin than swim suits.  Take your morning walks proudly.

36)  Be a generous tipper.

37)  Dare 2 Dream!

38)  Change what you can.  Accept what you can’t. (P.S. you can’t change your spouse.)

39)  These three remain: Faith, hope & love.  None of them have failed me yet.

40)  The best drivers assume the other drivers around them are idiots...and could change lanes any minute. 

41)  The #1 waste of time is not TV or Facebook.  It’s worry!  So…Don’t Worry.  Watch The A-Team.

42)  Money is not evil.  However, those new Canadian plastic bills are pure sin. 

43)  Relationships over anything else.  All the time.

44)  Be proactive…or, at the very least, react by being proactive. 

45)  The 80’s rocked.  Long live neon.

46)  There is someone for everyone.  Think of anyone.  Yes, even them.  Weird but true.

47)  You have to know when to hold, fold, walk & run.  Ask Kenny.  He’ll confirm it. 

48)  Speaking of Kenny: It is possible to get too much “work” done.

49)  No matter how old you get, fart jokes and “bleeping” will always make you laugh!

50)  To “assume” doesn’t make a "bleep" out of “you” & “me”.  It puts the "bleep" in front of “you” & “me”.

Please pass this list on to everyone you know.  If I can save a few it's all been worth it.

Have a good one and remember:
I’m not old.  I’m only 40…not 50.


Thursday, July 18, 2013

"An Offer I Can't Refuse"...But Did.

I wonder if they have Twitter in Purgatory.

The world (and the after-life) is atwitter with news the Vatican is offering less time in Purgatory in exchange for Twitter followers. 

That’s right.  Everyone is one mouse click away from jumping the eternal waiting line.

This obviously raises many questions including, “How much time is a follow worth?”, “If a person unfollows in a few months, does the length of Purgatory revert back to the original duration?” and, more importantly, “What about people not on Twitter?”

For the record, although I’m intrigued about the entire proposal, I have decided to politely decline the invitation.  However, if there is a Twitterless soul in need of an “indulgence”, I am more than willing to follow Francis on their behalf.  Please note, there are no guarantees to the ultimate success of this method as the rules regarding "substitutionary follows" are still quite vague.

As for my own soul…I already follow Jesus, so I’ll be alright.

That being said, the whole situation has certainly caused me to re-think my entire belief system.  Before today, I didn’t believe in Purgatory…or Twitter bribery.  But now, I’m convinced.  Twitter bribery is legit.

There was a time when I preached true organic Twitter growth based solely on merit.  But after the Vatican took the incentive approach to a higher, maybe even Heavenly, level it got me wondering what “gifts” would make me become a little less picky when it comes to my Twitter following habits.

After much thought, I’ve decided to follow any Twitter user for the right price.  So, what do I desire more than an after-life sentence reduction?

1)      @Alyssa _Milano to follow me.
2)      Lunch with Ben Stiller.
3)      To dance on Ellen.
Timmy Boyle -

Pull some strings @pontifex (or anyone else, for that matter) and I’ll follow you in a heart beat.

As for my own Twitter bribe.  Anyone who follows @timmybits will receive this amazing VIP gift package:*

A luxury box suite at the Battle of Armageddon,
Pole position for the Rapture and,
A “meet & greet” with two disciples of your choice (not incl. Judas) at the historic Pearly Gates.

*subject to availability

Have a good one,

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Perfect Blockbuster Movie. Me!

Coming this summer.  Me! 

Cha Ching. 

On the heels of some big-budget movie fails, Liz Braun of the Toronto Sun, recently shared 

As I read the list, not only did I agree with everything she said, but I came to a shocking (yet, not really) conclusion.

Based on Liz’s assessment of blockbuster mistakes, here are

5 reasons why I’m actually the perfect blockbuster movie!

Timmy Boyle

1) Most blockbusters alienate women, but…everyone loves me.

Blockbuster movies tend to target the virile male with their explosions of testosterone, but if you don’t have a little heart to occasionally pump some estrogen into the flick, you’ll alienate half of your potential audience.

A true blockbuster appeals to a wide audience…like me.

As a young lad, the only thing I had more of than “heart” was the number of girls who “just wanted to be friends”.  But, once I got my teeth straightened, stopped using a bowl to trim my hair & officially registered an actual BMI…things began to shift. 

Now, after developing a little chest hair and being able to showcase my 8” pythons (thanks to Chuck Norris & Christie Brinkley’s Total Gym), the transformation is complete.

Women want Timmy & men want to be Timmy. 

2) Most blockbusters lack substance, but…I’m full of it. 

Perception: An absence of story can be fixed by overloading the viewer with CGI and crazy fast action sequences.

Reality: All of the robot aliens, vampires & battle carnage in the world will never be a substitute for good solid writing.  Unless you’re Sharknado.  That’s awesome.

A true blockbuster is a show with substance…like me.

Sure, I can shoot lasers from my eyes.  Yes, I have the ability to summon the beasts of the sea.  And of course, I could easily destroy an entire military facility with my bare hands and a small hair pin.  But, occasionally…I choose not to.

Every once in a while I let the world get a glimpse into the “real” me.  The me that shoots love from my eyes.  The me that summons kindness from the hearts of people.  The me that builds entire communities with my goodness, kindness & a small hair pin.

Hey world, prepare to be swept off your feet.  Timmynado comin’ through! 

3) Most blockbusters are completely mis-cast, but…I’m the perfect choice.

The wrong person in the wrong role can completely derail a fantastic movie.  For example, replace Clooney, Schwarzenegger and friends with a whole new cast and 1997’s Batman & Robin would have…still sucked.  Bad example, but you get my point.

A true blockbuster is perfectly cast…like me.

Let’s look back at some casting decisions over the years:

2013 After Earth:  Jaden Smith as Wil Smith’s son – A nepotistic decision  
2003 Daredevil:  Ben Affleck as Daredevil – A blind decision
1994 The Flintstones:  Rosie O’Donnell as Betty Rubble – A rock head decision
1973-present day:  Timmy Boyle as Timmy Boyle – A brilliant decision

Simply put, I was born to be me.

4)  Most blockbusters get stuck in a formulaic rut, but…not me (except in these section headers).

In the creative box that is Hollywood, even the remakes & sequels of tried & true concepts usually follow a tried & true formula.  Because of that, I give Movieland a mediocre C…for creativity.  But they also get an A+ for making money, so…

Formula it is!   

Now, not all formulas are bad.  For instance, if you've read this far you’ll know after each title change, my opening statement is followed by a sentence which explains what a true blockbuster is. 

A true blockbuster throws the occasional curve ball…like me.

Now, as a baseball fan I will be the first to admit that I can’t throw a physical curveball…nor can I hit one.  As a responsible father & husband I don’t take a lot of life risks.  But, as a creative individual, I like to believe you actually don’t know what I’m about to do next. 

…or do you?

Kirsten Dunst rocks!

C’mon, not even Kirsten’s mom would see that coming.

Switching it up is what Timmy does.

5)  Most blockbusters are all about the money, and…I can see their point.

Studios have two goals:

1) Making movies and,
2) Making (to paraphrase the theme song of TV’s The Apprentice) “Money, Money, Money, Mon…ey.  MON...ey.”

Today’s blockbuster films are scattered with incredibly obvious cash grabs.  Why else would a Transformer, even after engaging in a super exhausting intergalactic battle for earth, ever need to drink a cool refreshing Coke

After all, everyone knows aliens drink Pepsi.

Then there are those perfectly timed movie related toys, which although a very effective cross-promotional technique, doesn’t always work.  I’m pretty sure I remember kids turning down McDonald’s happy meals when Travolta’s Battlefield Earth figurines were being included.     

What I’m trying to say is there is a fine line between selling & selling out.

A true blockbuster always chooses its soul over a logo…like me

Be assured.  Every product mention or celebrity name drop I include in any of my writings has no financial benefit to me…despite it causing HUGE spikes in the publicity numbers of what & whom I mention. 

Read my lips.  I will never sell out.

…or will I?

The plot thickens.  

Have a good one,

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