Thursday, July 18, 2013

"An Offer I Can't Refuse"...But Did.

I wonder if they have Twitter in Purgatory.

The world (and the after-life) is atwitter with news the Vatican is offering less time in Purgatory in exchange for Twitter followers. 

That’s right.  Everyone is one mouse click away from jumping the eternal waiting line.

This obviously raises many questions including, “How much time is a follow worth?”, “If a person unfollows in a few months, does the length of Purgatory revert back to the original duration?” and, more importantly, “What about people not on Twitter?”

For the record, although I’m intrigued about the entire proposal, I have decided to politely decline the invitation.  However, if there is a Twitterless soul in need of an “indulgence”, I am more than willing to follow Francis on their behalf.  Please note, there are no guarantees to the ultimate success of this method as the rules regarding "substitutionary follows" are still quite vague.

As for my own soul…I already follow Jesus, so I’ll be alright.

That being said, the whole situation has certainly caused me to re-think my entire belief system.  Before today, I didn’t believe in Purgatory…or Twitter bribery.  But now, I’m convinced.  Twitter bribery is legit.

There was a time when I preached true organic Twitter growth based solely on merit.  But after the Vatican took the incentive approach to a higher, maybe even Heavenly, level it got me wondering what “gifts” would make me become a little less picky when it comes to my Twitter following habits.

After much thought, I’ve decided to follow any Twitter user for the right price.  So, what do I desire more than an after-life sentence reduction?

1)      @Alyssa _Milano to follow me.
2)      Lunch with Ben Stiller.
3)      To dance on Ellen.
Timmy Boyle -

Pull some strings @pontifex (or anyone else, for that matter) and I’ll follow you in a heart beat.

As for my own Twitter bribe.  Anyone who follows @timmybits will receive this amazing VIP gift package:*

A luxury box suite at the Battle of Armageddon,
Pole position for the Rapture and,
A “meet & greet” with two disciples of your choice (not incl. Judas) at the historic Pearly Gates.

*subject to availability

Have a good one,

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