Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Perfect Blockbuster Movie. Me!

Coming this summer.  Me! 

Cha Ching. 

On the heels of some big-budget movie fails, Liz Braun of the Toronto Sun, recently shared 

As I read the list, not only did I agree with everything she said, but I came to a shocking (yet, not really) conclusion.

Based on Liz’s assessment of blockbuster mistakes, here are

5 reasons why I’m actually the perfect blockbuster movie!

Timmy Boyle

1) Most blockbusters alienate women, but…everyone loves me.

Blockbuster movies tend to target the virile male with their explosions of testosterone, but if you don’t have a little heart to occasionally pump some estrogen into the flick, you’ll alienate half of your potential audience.

A true blockbuster appeals to a wide audience…like me.

As a young lad, the only thing I had more of than “heart” was the number of girls who “just wanted to be friends”.  But, once I got my teeth straightened, stopped using a bowl to trim my hair & officially registered an actual BMI…things began to shift. 

Now, after developing a little chest hair and being able to showcase my 8” pythons (thanks to Chuck Norris & Christie Brinkley’s Total Gym), the transformation is complete.

Women want Timmy & men want to be Timmy. 

2) Most blockbusters lack substance, but…I’m full of it. 

Perception: An absence of story can be fixed by overloading the viewer with CGI and crazy fast action sequences.

Reality: All of the robot aliens, vampires & battle carnage in the world will never be a substitute for good solid writing.  Unless you’re Sharknado.  That’s awesome.

A true blockbuster is a show with substance…like me.

Sure, I can shoot lasers from my eyes.  Yes, I have the ability to summon the beasts of the sea.  And of course, I could easily destroy an entire military facility with my bare hands and a small hair pin.  But, occasionally…I choose not to.

Every once in a while I let the world get a glimpse into the “real” me.  The me that shoots love from my eyes.  The me that summons kindness from the hearts of people.  The me that builds entire communities with my goodness, kindness & a small hair pin.

Hey world, prepare to be swept off your feet.  Timmynado comin’ through! 

3) Most blockbusters are completely mis-cast, but…I’m the perfect choice.

The wrong person in the wrong role can completely derail a fantastic movie.  For example, replace Clooney, Schwarzenegger and friends with a whole new cast and 1997’s Batman & Robin would have…still sucked.  Bad example, but you get my point.

A true blockbuster is perfectly cast…like me.

Let’s look back at some casting decisions over the years:

2013 After Earth:  Jaden Smith as Wil Smith’s son – A nepotistic decision  
2003 Daredevil:  Ben Affleck as Daredevil – A blind decision
1994 The Flintstones:  Rosie O’Donnell as Betty Rubble – A rock head decision
1973-present day:  Timmy Boyle as Timmy Boyle – A brilliant decision

Simply put, I was born to be me.

4)  Most blockbusters get stuck in a formulaic rut, but…not me (except in these section headers).

In the creative box that is Hollywood, even the remakes & sequels of tried & true concepts usually follow a tried & true formula.  Because of that, I give Movieland a mediocre C…for creativity.  But they also get an A+ for making money, so…

Formula it is!   

Now, not all formulas are bad.  For instance, if you've read this far you’ll know after each title change, my opening statement is followed by a sentence which explains what a true blockbuster is. 

A true blockbuster throws the occasional curve ball…like me.

Now, as a baseball fan I will be the first to admit that I can’t throw a physical curveball…nor can I hit one.  As a responsible father & husband I don’t take a lot of life risks.  But, as a creative individual, I like to believe you actually don’t know what I’m about to do next. 

…or do you?

Kirsten Dunst rocks!

C’mon, not even Kirsten’s mom would see that coming.

Switching it up is what Timmy does.

5)  Most blockbusters are all about the money, and…I can see their point.

Studios have two goals:

1) Making movies and,
2) Making (to paraphrase the theme song of TV’s The Apprentice) “Money, Money, Money, Mon…ey.  MON...ey.”

Today’s blockbuster films are scattered with incredibly obvious cash grabs.  Why else would a Transformer, even after engaging in a super exhausting intergalactic battle for earth, ever need to drink a cool refreshing Coke

After all, everyone knows aliens drink Pepsi.

Then there are those perfectly timed movie related toys, which although a very effective cross-promotional technique, doesn’t always work.  I’m pretty sure I remember kids turning down McDonald’s happy meals when Travolta’s Battlefield Earth figurines were being included.     

What I’m trying to say is there is a fine line between selling & selling out.

A true blockbuster always chooses its soul over a logo…like me

Be assured.  Every product mention or celebrity name drop I include in any of my writings has no financial benefit to me…despite it causing HUGE spikes in the publicity numbers of what & whom I mention. 

Read my lips.  I will never sell out.

…or will I?

The plot thickens.  

Have a good one,


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