Friday, October 24, 2014

Five Reasons I Never Became a Rapper

There are very few people in our world who have not, at some point in their life, desired to be a rapper.

Timmy poses as his rapper alter-ego T boy


And for good reason.

From the pen of Dr. Seuss to the microphone of Dr. Dre the power of the rhyme has never ceased to amaze, engage & mesmerize.

And really. Who doesn't love wearing a whole lotta bling?

Yet among the multitudes who dreamed of rockin' the mic freestyle...only a few actually tried. Among those who have tried...only a few have excelled. And among those who excelled...there is, and will only be, one MC Hammer.

Ever since my mother encouraged me to "use my words", I've sought to expel the darkness from this world while wielding the sword of language. Ever since my mother told me not to use "those" words, I've attempted to do it with more socially accepted language.

From inspirational speaking to writing to singing there were clearly multiple paths I could have journeyed down, but the lure of being as cool as Ice (Cube or T) was simply too great. Or rather...simply too "fate".

It was incredibly obvious I was destined to be a rapper. Unless you talked to others.

As a scrawny Caucasian boy with big hair and a penchant for both colourful headbands & tight pants most people in my 'hood pegged me for becoming a legend of Rock. But then...the world stopped.

It collaborated. It listened.

The door had swung wide open. The table had turned. The baby had been spilled with the frozen bath water. Equality had finally arrived...riding a vanilla horse and singing a strangely familiar tune.

It no longer mattered that I had been raised on the not-so mean streets of an elitist neighbourhood. With a little creative word play, a cool moniker and a 100 lb. gold chain (or clock face) I would now be free to spread a message of peace, love & joy in the same way Public Enemy did.

But...it was not to be.

Believe me, if I had entered the world of rap the bar would have been noticeably raised. Because in my rap universe...there would be no 50 Cent. It'd be 75 Cent, minimum. Maybe even 80 Cent!

People often ask, “Why? Why did you never take your rightful place among the rap elite?”

The answer...is complicated. However, I've managed to summarize it this way:

The Top FIVE Reasons I Never Became A Rapper

1) I simply don't possess the upper body strength needed to carry the gold chains.

2) Once “Q-Tip” was used...all the truly great names were taken.

3) Boi. Def. Kool. The spellings are absolutely horrendous! (Not to mention the many misplaced apostrophes)

4) I like ABBA way too much.

And,

5) I couldn't busta rhyme even you gave me extra...minutes.


Have a good one,
Timmy

*Placed 1st in the Faithwriters.com Writing Challenge - October 23,2014

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

#timmyandjillian Day 13 - Jillian Michaels Fried My Brain

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Today I chose to graduate myself.



The decision to move from Week One to Week Two of Jillian Michaels' “Ripped in 30” was eerily reminiscent of my school days.

First, there was the all-encompassing dread of getting physically beaten up at the next level (experienced from Grades 6-11).

Even though each new school year proved the fear to be based on nothing but an old episode of Leave it to Beaver, I knew today was different. Jillian was about to hurt me for real. She was about to hurt me bad.

Secondly, there was the uncontrollable sobbing for my mommy...BEFORE anything happened (experienced in Kindergarten & from Grades 9-14).

Look, not only is it okay to cry, it's an absolute necessity. I can't remember the exact context but my mother once told me, with great conviction, "If you hold the tears in...you WILL go blind!" Wait, maybe that was for something else. Regardless, after experiencing Week One with Jillian the prospect of a second week would make anyone a little weepy.

Thirdly, there was the extremely tight shorts (worn for a record 17 straight picture days).

Simply put...I've got legs and I know how to use them.

And finally, there was the complete & utter non-existence of any signs indicating I was ready to be advanced forward (Senior Kindergarten & Grades 6, 8, 12 & 14 come to mind).

I had already spent 12 days on Week One & completed the workout seven times. Ready or not, if I wanted to be ripped, I knew I couldn't stay there forever. As a grown-up I am now able to make mis-guided decisions for myself.

So, I mustered up what little courage I've carried into adulthood, wiped my tears, hiked up my shorts to show a little more thigh & repeated my life mantra...

“I will NOT go blind. I will NOT go blind. I will NOT go blind...”

Good news. I didn't go blind.

However, within the first few minutes I remembered why I never joined an aerobics class. There was so much “left, reach, kick, up, alternate, kick, dip, right, down” happening at such a feverish rate, I think it put me into a brief coma.

When Jillian said, “Repeat!”...

...my brain exploded.



It was intense, but I will be back at it again tomorrow.

“I will NOT go blind. I will NOT go blind. I will NOT go blind...”

Keep on laughin',
Timmy

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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

#timmyandjillian Day 12 - The Push-up Cam

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"Are you really doing it?"



That's the question I've been asked most over the last 12 days in regards to the Jillian Michaels "Ripped in 30" exercise program.

Other questions like, "Are you on the 'roids?", "Have you had work done?" & "Aren't those shorts a little tight?" come in a distant 2nd through 4th.

Some people would say one of the more frustrating things about working out is not being able to see immediate results. I'd certainly agree, but would add a qualifier. One of the more frustrating things about working out is OTHERS not being able to see immediate results.

"Am I really doing it?" Yep.

Can I prove it? Nope.

Quite frankly, after eight work-outs there is almost no tangible proof I've been exercising at all.

I can't show you ripped abs, because my body is still very similar to the one I had two weeks ago. Although, I'm convinced something is definitely happening underneath the surface. I can feel it.

Oh, can I feel it.

I can't show you the cramps I'm experiencing in four muscle groups I didn't know existed.

I can't show you the wounded ego I've received after hearing Jillian chant "C'mon Girls!" as I, once again, laid motionless & cramped in a pool of my own sweat.

I suppose I could bottle & label my sweat for you, but that system has lost all credibility due to the Tour de France.

So, I figure the best "proof" I can offer you is some video footage of me actually working out.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you...

The Push-up Cam! Enjoy.



This brings my extended version of Week #1 to an end. Tomorrow, I'm taking it up a notch as I take on Week #2. You'll just have to take my word for it.

Keep on laughin',
Timmy

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Monday, July 14, 2014

#timmyandjillian Day 6 (or 11) - Back on the Horse

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From my personal experience, these are the Top 5 hardest things to do in life:

5) Start an exercise program
4) Digest dairy
3) Stay on an exercise program
2) Re-start an exercise program
1) Explain time travel

For the purposes of today's imagery. I'd like to re-word the list as follows:

5) Get on a horse
4) Digest dairy
3) Stay on a horse
2) Get back on a horse
1) Explain time travel

My journey to establish a regular exercise routine started back in the early 80's when I'd rush home from school to watch "20 Minute Workout".



Admittedly, I did very little exercise during these lunch breaks (most 10 year olds found the rotating platform of glistening, leotarded women to be slightly distracting), but I never missed a segment.

30 years later, the "20 Minute Workout" remains the exercise program I was most consistent with for the longest period of time...by far.

In the late 80's, having matured and truly wanting to get fit, I signed up for a membership at Super Fitness. As a scrawny teenaged kid, it seemed like the perfect way to add muscle mass, maintain health...and be in the presence of highly-toned women in form-fitting outfits.

Short lived, my Super Fitness days were simply a valiant effort by someone clearly in way over their head.

The gym was full of women in form-fitting outfits...who had not yet achieved anywhere, even remotely close, to a toned body. Strike one. The sauna was full of extremely aged men...wearing no outfits at all. Strike two. I had no job to pay for the membership...which they figured out 6-months in. Strike three.

Since then it's been a steady stream of 2 - 12 week chunks of everything from Richard Simmons' records to Chuck & Christie's Total Gym.

Which brings me to present day.

When I started Jillian Michaels' "Ripped in 30" DVD I figured, "Only 30 days? Surely, I can stick to that commitment!" So, once again, I got on the horse.

I was on the horse for 5 days.

It's day 11. I just got back on the horse.



I could give you many excuses as to why I experienced an extended break. But, there really is no good reason. Quite honestly, it's embarrassing to fall off the horse...again. But, I got back up...again.

Falling is not failure...but staying down is.

So, I begin again.

Let's do this, Jillian.



P.S. I feel so empowered I'm going to have a glass of milk & write an essay about the functional reality of time travel.

Keep on laughin',
Timmy

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Thursday, July 10, 2014

#timmyandjillian Day 5 - Rock Bottom Lesson: No Capes!

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On Day 5 of Jillian Michaels’ “Ripped in 30” I hit rock bottom.

The rock bottom of my stairwell.



Although technically a “carpeted” bottom, you would still think falling down a flight of stairs would be quite painful. And, under normal circumstances, I would agree. However, once your body has been beaten into submission by Jillian, flip-flopping over 13 little stairs hardly phases you.

In fact, if I knew a daily fall down the stairs would also get me “Ripped in 30”...I’d probably choose it over the DVD.

Initially shaken (but not stirred), I found myself resting quietly at the base of my stairwell fully aware that my ego was throbbing more than any body part. I was deeply ashamed, not about the physical misstep which sent me flying, but about the unforgiveable mental misstep which I had taken moments before.

Admittedly, choosing to exercise so close to the stairs was an obvious miscalculation and leaving my hand weights on the floor behind me was clearly a mental stumble, but my biggest slip-up was in not heeding the wisdom of those who have gone before me.

I should have listened to Edna!

The previous day I had forgotten to wear my headband. It was a blunder which darn near cost my eye sight and I swore I would never make that same mistake again. You see, my exercise outfit is pretty much an exact replica of the battle wear of a traditional Roman soldier. (Ref. DAY 4) In its entirety, the ensemble assures respect & ultimate victory in any arena, but with any piece missing the wearer becomes no better than an amusing side-show.

I want respect. I want victory.

So for good measure, I added...a flowing cape.

I’m no side-show.

Although meant to be worn lightly...the cape is clearly not meant to be worn lightly. For this reason the Romans, with their more “devil may care” attitude, considered it “optional” while others like Edna Mode, who avoided unnecessary risk, preached a hard and fast rule:

“NO CAPES!”

On Day 5, to my own demise, I pushed little Edna aside & partnered with the mighty empire of Rome. Throwing caution into the wind I donned the flowing cape and, for a brief moment...it was simply majestic.



However, it is one thing to sword battle with a cape on, but a completely different animal to wear one while performing arm circle warm ups!

Four rotations were all it took.

My arms were un-mercilessly tangled over my head. My head was shrouded with the flowing material. The neck strap was cutting off my breathing.

Disoriented & panic-filled, I flailed and spun. Stepping on the hand weight below my feet, I rolled back, flipped over the corner of my couch & tumbled all the way down the stairs.

Rock bottom.



I should have listened to Edna!



Keep on laughin',
Timmy

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Saturday, July 5, 2014

#timmyandjillian Day 4 - Historical Keys to Victory!

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“That's all I want. Everything you got.” - Jillian Michaels, Ripped in 30

On the surface it seems like such a simple request. But despite a complete trust in Jillian & my wholehearted dedication to the program, I simply got sloppy on Day 4.

You can blame it on being tired mentally or maybe even getting a little cocky, but there really is no excuse. After all...

“It's all in the details.” - Some Random Guy, Pinterest Quote

According to that random guy, the details matter. And if it's on Pinterest the quote matters.

I brought everything I had to this particular work out except one crucial element. And, believe you me, I paid an enormous price for skipping such an important detail.

While preparing to be “Ripped in 30”, I knew it was going to be a battle. So, in order to ensure victory, I patterned my workout outfit after one of the most successful military forces of all time. The mighty Roman soldiers!




“If you look good, you feel good. If you feel good, you win!” - Timmy Boyle

Historical Keys to Victory:

- Stylish headband
- Low-cut chest protector
- Ultra-short loin protector
- Striped knee-high footwear
- Flowing cape*

*according to many movies, selected Wikipedia pages and Google images, the “Flowing cape” is actually optional.

Looking back on the situation, I shake my head in disbelief & lower it in shame. What kind of warrior am I? No Roman soldier worth his weight gold would ever have gone to battle without the entire ensemble in place. Those that did...possessed nothing short of a death wish.

I've learned my lesson. I WILL get “Ripped in 30” because I WILL NOT forget my headband, again!




Infact, I might even add the cape just for good measure.   


Keep on laughin',
Timmy

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Friday, July 4, 2014

#timmyandjillian Day 3 - One day he'll be old too...

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There comes a time in every man's life when he hates children.



Please don't get me wrong. I don't hate children as much as I hate their energy, flexibility, metabolism rate, short legs & belief they are immortal. Kids are fun & all, but their very presence highlights the fact I need naps, wince when touching my toes, can't have Corn Pops at every meal and, at 40, have already reached the half way mark of my Stats Canada expected life span.

That's why I'm doing Jillian Michael's "Ripped in 30". 40 is WAY too early to be feel mocked by youth. I mean look at Jillian. She's only 7 months younger than me.

I may be wearing my kid's shorts for my workouts...but I'm not a kid any more. There is no way I can change my age (officially), the length of my legs or the reality that I'll always need to be very conscious of both diet & exercise. But, I CAN change my energy level, flexibility, strength & overall health for my remaining years on this wonderful planet...by being conscious of my diet & exercise.

I really love life and fully intend on throwing off Stats Canada when the Prime Minister sends me a certificate to celebrate my 140th birthday. However, I do not want to just survive the next 100 years. I want to thrive.

In fact, I plan on playing baseball well into my 80's and "retiring" because I want to, not because some 25 year old kid "thinks" he can play Centerfield better than me.

But first, I have to be able to get back to touching my toes without wincing...





...and not sweating through the opening credits of a workout video.

Keep on laughin',
Timmy

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Thursday, July 3, 2014

#timmyandjillian Day 2 - Everything I Ate Stayed Down...

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I'll admit it. Jillian Michaels is in better shape than I am.

Surprised? Probably.

Day 1 of Jillian Michaels' "Ripped in 30" felt like I was being ripped into 30 pieces. I remember, at the end of the workout, lying in a pool of my own sweat desperately wondering if I'd ever walk again...assuming I didn't drown first. A person can drown in an inch of water, you know. Google it.

After some time, both fears were alleviated when my Good Samaritan son turned my head to the side (bless his heart),and I was re-energized by an hour long nap (which my wife called "being passed out").

I stood...and ran...to fight another day.

Well, that day came and, although I cowered for hours, I eventually mustered up the courage to get back on the horse (not a reference to Jillian) which had tossed me around mercilessly the previous afternoon. Despite the uncontrollable weeping I experienced during the warm up stretches, everything else went well. Really well.

Infact, let's just say...

"Jillian, is that all you got?"

This day, everything I ate stayed down!





Does pride really come before the fall? I hope not...

Keep on laughin',
Timmy

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Tuesday, July 1, 2014

#timmyandjillian DAY 1 - What have I done!?

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DAY ONE

I've got a birthday book signing event in a few weeks and I want to be ready for anything. There are many who think signature writing is all in the wrist but, as with everything, it's actually all about core strength.

It is true I'm turning 41...but I'm not out of shape.
Sure, I've become a little soft in the middle...but I'm not out of shape.
And yes, I might need to firm up the ol' physique slightly...but I'm not out of shape.

So when I decided to tighten up the abs for the big day I was ecstatic about having a whole 3 weeks to accomplish it! I mean, if "Biggest Loser" trainer Jillian Michaels says she can have anyone "Ripped in 30". Well, I could easily do it in 20. After all, I'm not out of shape.

How hard could it be?



...I am so out of shape.

Keep on laughin',
Timmy

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#timmyandjillian - Ripped in 30 (hopefully 20)



I have to get ready for my Birthday Book Signing Event in Toronto on July 20th. Who better to get me ready to greet people shirtless than Jillian Michaels! I've only got 20 days to get "Ripped in 30"...but I believe in Jillian! How hard can it be?




Wardrobe courtesy of:
Hoodie - TouchbyAM (Alyssa Milano); Headband & Socks - My daughter; Shorts - My son

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Thursday, June 26, 2014

#Kittenless: A Viral Video Experiment

#KITTENLESS: A VIRAL VIDEO EXPERIMENT
PLEASE SHARE THE FOLLOWING LINK on FRIDAY, JUNE 27, 2014: http://youtu.be/W1RsnRsrThU

*Be sure to include:
1) A call to action (eg. “Please share/retweet this”)
2) The hashtag #kittenless

THE STORY:

I work really hard on everything I produce but every once in a while I create something which really needs to be seen by more than 50 people.

That’s how I feel about my latest video: “Feel the Moment: Timmy Loves Chocolate Milk”.



Conceptually, the video reminds me of Gilligan’s Island.

No one, not The Skipper, not Mary Ann, not even The Professor, envisioned their simple 3-hour boat tour ending so horribly...although, in that “horribleness” they did teach a generation of young TV watchers that you can make anything – except a reliable boat – out of bamboo.

In a similar way, albeit with no perceivable life-lessons, my video begins with the pouring of a simple glass of milk and ends with a “shipwreck” of sorts.

The idea for this particular video was percolating in my brain for days (which surprised my wife), but the video’s musical foundation was essentially laid many months earlier.

You see, from the time Pitbull’s “Feel This Moment” began receiving radio airplay, I was hooked. Despite a complete non-interest in Pitbull, I couldn’t help but become absolutely mesmerized by the Christina Aguilera driven chorus. In fact, whenever the moment presented itself, I would passionately sing my heart – and lungs – in perfect harmony with the former Mouseketeer.

Now, I’m not about to boldly proclaim myself to be an awesome vocalist (although the words “perfect harmony” sort of imply it) but there is no denying that Xtina & I...have chemistry.

So last week, while flying solo during a long car drive, I selected “Feel This Moment” from my iPad playlist and excitedly engaged the “Repeat” setting. The details are pretty much a blur but sometime between the 17th and 33rd repeat my brain snapped...in a good way.

 I had reached a transcendent point where I was no longer just singing the song (or remembering if I changed lanes). I was feeling the song. I was SEEING the song! And I was seeing...chocolate milk. Lots of chocolate milk. A beautiful explosion of chocolate milk.

After hours of mimed choreography & intense vocal strain I arrived home with a throat that had been ripped to shreds and a clear framework for my next video project. I couldn’t help but smile...and spit up a little blood.

When the day came to record the video, I was incredibly nervous. It was clearly going to get messy so, like blowing up a building on a movie set, I only had one shot at this.

I covered our kitchen in plastic garbage bags, wrapped my iPad in Saran Wrap, positioned my props & paced out the exact actions over and over and over again. Finally, I was ready...or as ready as I was ever going to be. I prepared my son (who makes another brilliant cameo appearance), took a deep breath & pushed “Record”.

What followed was simply...magic.

It wasn’t intentional, but the video appears to have almost all the qualities of a great viral video.

1) Music
2) Humour
3) Surprise
4) Weirdness
5) An appearance by a child

Yes, it lacks kittens...but I believe in miracles!

Viral videos don’t just happen. Good content is often found drifting among the lily pads of a stale pond while videos of cats jumping off pianos sail the internet oceans freely...catching wave after wave.

Success, in any area of life, doesn’t happen alone. I need you!

PLEASE BE APART OF “#KITTENLESS: A VIRAL VIDEO EXPERIMENT”

A “FLASH SHARE” is being organized with the goal of having as many people as possible sharing this one video on a single day. Let’s see if we can catch a wave.

PLEASE SHARE THE FOLLOWING LINK ON FRIDAY, JUNE 27, 2014: http://youtu.be/W1RsnRsrThU

*Be sure to include:
1) A call to action (eg. “Please share/retweet this”)
2) The hashtag #kittenless

Thanks & keep on laughin’,
Timmy
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Saturday, June 21, 2014

Reading Rainbow: The Path to your Pot of Gold!

insidetimmysmind.com - Reading Rainbow: The Path to your Pot of Gold

"Wanna be filthy rich?"

As a result of my overwhelmingly positive response to that question, I recently forced myself to digest an "expert's" endless analysis of the keys to financial success. After hours of painstaking study, I have managed to summarize, "blah, blah, rich, blah, blah, percent, blah, blah, Charlize Theron, blah, blah, night-stand" into one amazing universal truth.

Future wealth is directly connected to your bedside table.

Now, on the surface, this seems to be yet another example of the rich getting richer. Fantastic news for the privileged few who own a bedside table, while absolutely disheartening to the segment of our population that doesn't have one. However, it is important to note that, although a primary factor, not every "bedsidetable-less" individual is poverty stricken.

There are actually many legitimate reasons for not owning a bedside table:

1) Lack of Space: The "bed to room" ratio leaves no area for a bedside walkway...let alone a bedside table.

2) Bad Trigger: You once lost a loved one during a horrible night-stand mishap that others assure you was an accident but, despite years of therapy, you remain unable to forgive yourself for.

3) Religious Reasons: A bedside table leads to dust which leads to dust bunnies which reminds you of Playboy Bunnies which leads to sex.

4) No Bed: Simply put, you can't place a bedside table beside a bed you don't have.

But, good news! If you don't have a bedside table because you're spaciously challenged, emotionally wounded, spiritually convicted, nomadically inclined...or simply poor, you don't need to run out and get one.

You see, your road to financial success doesn't have to mean chainsawing your bed in half, crying about Aunt June every time you put your glasses down for the night, dusting 24-7 or finally graduating from sleeping bag to big-boy mattress.

Wealth, according to the study, is not so much connected to the bedside table as much as to the items resting beside your place of rest (on a bedside table or not).

In particular...what reading material puts you to sleep at night?

If you want to know how large your future bank account will be...the answer lies in the stack of books and/or magazines beside your pillow.

For the record, I have the following...

Inside Timmy's Mind - The Literature of Champions


1) "Inside Timmy's Mind" (Timmy Boyle) - It's a must read for every literate person.

2) "The 100 Most Influential People" (Time Magazine) - Just checking if I'm in it yet.

3) "I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This!" (Bob Newhart) - We read each other's books.

4) "The Authoritative Calvin & Hobbes" (Bill Watterson) - No explanation needed.

5) "Genius Test" (MENSA, the high IQ society) - My score is still low, but gets better with each re-test.

6) "O.J. & Nicole - The Untold Story!" (The Enquirer) - I have an enquiring mind.

Apparently, according to the study, poor people tend to read for entertainment, while rich people read for self-improvement.

I don't know what they think "self-improvement" means, but by the way I define it...I'm clearly following a Reading Rainbow which will lead me to a massive pot of gold!

...and a fancier bedside table.

Inside Timmy's Mind - The Bedside Table of Champions (a Sealtest Milk Crate)


Keep on laughin',
Timmy

P.S. What's on your bedside table?

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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Really, Kanye!?


Really, Kanye!?

What is your deal?

Not a chance this was Kim's idea.

Timmy Boyle Kanye West
Kanye Photo via: http://rollingout.com/


When you released your debut album The College Dropout back in 2004 did I release a critically acclaimed rap album at the same time?

No.

Why? Because it was YOUR time...and I didn't have a rap album to release.

But even if I had one I wouldn't have released it.

So, why are you doing this to me?

You've received multiple Grammy Awards.
I've received multiple requests to sing my version of Sonny & Cher's “I Got You Babe”

You've been considered one of Time magazine's 100 most influential people. 
I've been considered a regular reader of Time magazine.

You've amassed over 10.5 million Twitter followers.
I've amassed almost 300...if I round it up to the nearest hundred.

You've appeared regularly on Forbe's list of wealthy celebrities.
My elastic band wallet cost more than the cash it wraps around.

Clearly we are world's apart. Now.

But you see me coming. Don't you?

And it freaks you out.

It's the only explanation I've got for this blatant scene-stealing move.

Look, I'm not completely surprised. I mean high-jacking Taylor Swift's VMA moment, back in 2009, set an incredible precedent. I just didn't think I was on your radar.

Ultimately, the warning shot you've just fired across my bow is kind of a compliment. I'm your 2014 Taylor Swift.

On May 24, 2014 I'll be taking the stage at the Stirling Festival Theatre for the “Show of the Year”.

On May 24, 2014 you'll be walking the aisle at Forte di Belvedere (or Versailles...or...) in the “Wedding of the Year.”

Coincidence? I think not.

There were 51 other weekends for you & Kim to tie the knot.

I've been planning this show for a long time...but you just couldn't let me have my day.

That's bush-league, Kanye.

Bush-league.

P.S. Tell Kim I said, “Hey”...and follow me on Twitter @timmybits

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Dear Scotty...Thanks For Catching Me

Dear Scotty,

Many years ago, I thought I could fly.  Thank goodness you were there.

On one particular day, I felt the need to prove my supernatural skill to myself & the world...by taking a leap of faith from the top of my staircase at 259 Woodbine Avenue.  In hindsight, the flying was easy...but, had you not walked in the door at that exact moment to catch this plummeting fool, the landing might have been incredibly messy.

Real event or legend?  It doesn't matter.  I've told that story to so many people for so many years because that crazy sounding occurence is as real as any childhood memory inhabiting my brain.

As far as I'm concerned...You saved my life.

When I filmed my movie back in High School, you not only agreed to play the role of "Scott" but stepped up to the plate to play his twin brother "Angelo".  Of course, you were the only logical person to be the twin but you could've said no.  Although, that footage will never appear on the big screen...the scene where you enter as Scott, leave to get Angelo & re-enter as Angelo is a classic in my mind.

Jay - "Where's Angelo?" 
Scott - "He's still outside."
Jay - "Go get him!"
Scott leaves.  Angelo enters.
Jay - "Where's Scott?"
Angelo - "He's getting something from the the van."

Classic.


Twice a year, for over a decade, you provided sanity to my craziness.  At the Easter Parades, I'd whole-heartedly entertain on the street only to retreat briefly to your house in order to take a breather.  And, on my enjoyable, but hectic, Christmas Eve home tours, I always looked forward to knocking on your door, for my final visit of the night, so I could finally take off my Santa beard, put my feet up & have a soda.

My family will attest to how much I enjoyed my "Chats with Scotty".

Thank you for coming alongside me during my "Dare 2 Dream" Adventure.  Mid-life crisis or not, I'll be forever grateful for the significant role you played in helping me pursue three of my dreams.  You've always been so supportive of any thing I was working on, so it seemed quite fitting to have you, with Jazz Unhinged, on stage with me during my inspirational/comedy fundraising show.  Climbing into that wooden box, in an effort to attack my greatest fear, was a "life-altering" moment etched into my soul.  I'm glad every time I think about it I'll hear you keeping time on the drums in the background.

Speaking of drums...you were living proof that "talent is over-rated".  Because if talent was the only thing needed for super-stardom...you would have had the world at your feet.  Mind you, the impact you had on the lives around you was worth way more than super-stardom.  I constantly marvelled at your musical ability & proudly shared with many how I was once trained by a world-class drummer.  It was because of your personal investment in my dream to drum, that I could actually, for a brief moment, play along to a few of my favourite ABBA songs.  It doesn't seem like much to some, but once again, you provided me a memory I'll cherish forever.

My daughter is taking drum lessons again...but she'll never find a better teacher.

I have a feeling the next few comedy shows I do will get a little emotional, because as usual the theme song you composed & recorded for me, almost five years ago, will play me onto the stage each time.  Looks like you'll always be there whenever I perform, which is pretty cool.  The few opportunities we arranged for you to actually play it live during a show meant so much to me.  In fact, I always thought if I ever had a talk show...It'd have to be "Scotty" leading the band.

I'll remember that rare glare when you didn't find something funny...and the frequent hearty laugh when you did.

I remember watching Borschevsky score that big goal against Detroit at your house.  I remember the Yo-Yo Club at Danforth Tech.  I remember sneaking into movies at the Hyland.  I remember all-you-can-eat pancake nights at the Golden Griddle (and I'm still convinced they were under-cooking them for us on purpose).

You know Scotty, I think you would have really enjoyed my book.  As much as I'm glad your music lives on through some of my videos, I'm sorry you never got to hold a published copy of my mind.  You would have been one of the first to get one...with a big 'ol bear hug attached.  I always knew you were a genuine friend but I also believed you to be a genuine fan of my quirky humour.  It was much appreciated.

I'm so thankful I was able to see you in the hospital a few weeks before you left us.  I'm so thankful you were open to having me pray with you.  I'm so thankful I had one final opportunity to let you know...you were an incredibly special friend.

There are very few people that make me smile every time I see them.  That list just got shortened by one...but it feels like more.

Thanks for catching me...and for everything else that followed.  *Big Hug*

Love ya,
Tim
Go Leafs Go

Monday, March 3, 2014

The Affleck Recant

I'm a big boy, so I'll acknowledge when I've made a mistake.

Anyone who has spent more than five minutes in my presence has heard me passionately preach the following messages:

1. Speedos cause brain damage,
2. Ben Affleck equals "This movie will suck!" and,
3. The moon landing was faker than Milli Vanilli.

Well, I'm here to acknowledge a change of mind on one of those issues...and to offer a heartfelt apology.

Ben, I'm really sorry!

Timmy Boyle Ben Affleck

Now to help you truly understand the magnitude of today's recant, we need to revisit a 2009 post from this very blog.  While discussing Timmy's Top Five Terrors, I publicly cemented my previous position on Affleck with these exact words:


"I really, really wanted to like the movie "Spiderman". I had such incredibly high hopes for "Daredevil". However, each dream was dashed, un-mercilessly, against the rocks of Dunst and Affleck.

They single-handedly sunk two movies - and one entire franchise - for me. I think any film, starring either of these two brilliantly dull "actors", should be found in the Horror section of video stores. They are movie monsters...who have never played the role of a monster.

Ben is Frankenstein. With simple words and awkward actions, his acting will pound you into submission.

Kirsten is an eerie combination of the Sandman & Dracula. First, she puts you to sleep and then she sucks the life out of you.

In fact, if you want to make the ultimate horror flick, cast Ben & Kirsten...together! That, my friends, even if it was a romantic comedy, would be guaranteed to send shivers down your spine. It would be worse than "Home Alone 3" and scarier than "The Shining". SROTCA DAB!"



A literary masterpiece?  Yes.  A little on the harsh side?  Yes, as well.

Before I can continue discussing my repentant spirit regarding Mr. Affleck, I'll need to address the white elephant brought into the room via the previous quote.  "What about Kirsten?", you ask.  Well, my opinion on Ms. Dunst has also softened but I can only emotionally handle one recant at a time.

After much reflection, I'll admit my stabs at Ben seem to be rooted solely in the deep disappointment surrounding his performance in Daredevil.  A casting choice I more recently referred to as a "blind decision".  Get it?  Daredevil.  Blind.  I really need to use this brilliant wit for good.

It's not clear why that particular movie drove such a wedge between Ben & I because, quite frankly, I'm not even a fringe fan of the superhero Daredevil.  I mean, without a doubt, Batman is 100 times greater than Double D yet I didn't write off Clooney after his appearance in the superdud Batman & Robin.  Mind you, Nipple Gate completely overshadowed any chance of critically assessing George's three lines of dialogue in that film.



Sure, Affleck did Gigli.  Pearl Harbor.  Armageddon.  All high ranking flicks on any Worst Film Ever list.  But, here's the kicker:  I've never seen any of them.  In fact, after checking out his credits on IMDB, other than Daredevil...

I hadn't seen ANY movie Ben Affleck was in!

Over the last ten years, I mocked this man's acting prowess (I believe I used the terms "dull", "simple" & "awkward"), based simply on a single first-hand movie experience and a bunch of rotten tomatoes tossed from other people.

I'm quite surprised at this realization and kind of ashamed.

As a performer myself, I certainly wouldn't want anyone to judge me from a single piece of work, especially something I did years ago.  People learn.  People grow.  People change.  However, that being said, I do believe in free speech and the right to share an honest opinion.  I will never watch Daredevil again because I found the entire movie painful to watch & Ben's performance was a big part of that, but...

It was absolutely wrong to hang his entire career and ability off that wonky coat hook...especially in light of a most recent revelation.

You see, when mentioned earlier that I had only seen ONE Af-flick, it was only partly true.  Last year, my decade long Ben-Fast was actually broken the moment I popped The Town into my DVD player.  Lo and behold, to paraphrase Katy Perry, "I watched an Af-flick and I liked it!"  What sorcery was this I thought.  Clearly, the movie was SO good even Ben, as actor AND director, couldn't ruin it.

However, my self-lie, now weakened, took a fatal blow last night, when I found myself captivated, beginning to end, by the Oscar winning picture ARGO.  Starring Ben Affleck.  Directed by Ben Affleck.

This guy is good!

Some people like what I do while others don't.  That's fine and I accept that.
Some people like Ben Affleck while others don't.  That's fine...and I'm sure Ben accepts that.

Does he care what a little known Canadian comedian thinks about him? Probably not.
Will Ben Affleck ever read this recant?  Probably not.  But, sometimes you just need to admit you were wrong.

Ben, I wish to one day have the type of success you've experienced.  You weren't hunting for my good will, but you definitely found it.  Keep up the great work...and please don't screw up Batman.  Thanks.

Sincerely,
Timmy
























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